Things that keep me awake at night........

I have trouble falling asleep at night. Always have. (Probably) Always will.

Most of the time it is just random thoughts that don't matter much- things that swirl around all day but I never take the time to think about-things that now have a captive audience in the quiet- things like how you make strussel topping or how you put together a kite from Oriental Trade the correct way. Sure, I could look these things up on the internet, but that would take all the fun out of going to bed wondering.

This week however has been worse than usual. Two nights this week I spent freaking out that one of my dearest friends was mad at me. I had no evidence to back up this claim- I just started to panic when I hadn't heard from her in more than 12 hours. :) hahaha. Way too long story, short- it was all for naught. She wasn't mad I was just being paranoid.

Last night I laid awake in bed and worried about technology. No, really- I did. It got to the point where I had to get up out of my bed and journal about it to get it out of my head. "How far do we let technology go?" I wrote. I am thankful for modern conveniences like running water and electricity, but when do you draw the line? It all started with those self check out lines at the grocery store. Most likely feeling guilty from my trip earlier that day. Soon though it escalated into something more like this- Why are they making a big machine for the Post Office that will someday eliminate 1000's of jobs? Especially in Michigan with the economy like it is- why would that be a good use of our resources?At the time, I really thought I was thinking grandiose thoughts- ones that would change the world.... but now, looking at this all typed out- I got no answers!

I'd really love to blame it on PMS, but that would be a wrongful conviction on Mother Nature. If I'm being any kind of honest, I would have to admit that change is a beast for me. It turns me into this irrational, emotional, every other kind of -tional there is! Graduation is approaching and some of my friends are moving away, others are moving on and still others just consumed with making it to that point. While I am so happy and excited for them, I am also scared... of losing those connections and the stability that comes with those familiar relationships.

On Sunday I was in the midst of being frazzled- too frazzled in fact to let the powerful truth we talked about sink down deep. Reflecting on it now I am awed at the tenderness of our God - speaking so clearly to me. We talked about the miracle of Jesus feeding the 5,000. I have heard this story alot- apparently not enough though. Dave talked about the response of the two disciples to Jesus and as an application; our response to the Lord. Sunday, I observed that Jesus wasn't asking them to live a fairy tale and pretend that 5 loaves and three fish could actually feed 5,000 people. Instead he was asking them to respond in faith that Jesus could and would do all things. This was comforting because I am such a 'realist.' However, reflecting on this I am now struck by the freedom that there is in that. Even though they were able to accurately assess the need, Jesus wasn't asking them to feed the people. Only He could do that. And by extension, the same is true of all these changes in my life. I had a frighteningly accurate picture of what was going on and was freaking out about it like Jesus was asking me to feed 5,000 people. No, He is asking me to respond in faith that He is gonna do all He promised, be Who He says He is, "do His thing!" in the situation. Ironically, there is such freedom in not being expected to do the miracle, to not have control, to not have the answers. Isn't that what we are always trying to get ahold of? That's what I have been grasping for all week- but it seems that it only blinded me to Jesus having His turn to do the feeding.