Fish for Dinner

Yesterday was May 22, 2009.

I got up, showered and was off to work like normal. Boss was working out of the office- finishing up a big project. I was running around doing research for him and emailing the sources I found. It was good to be busy and for something that matters. After work I wanted to go home and sleep for days. (Apparently staying up until 1am the night before and not sleeping very restfully was now taking it's tole.) However, I had this mental image of Darlene's face flashing in my mind; so I went to the gym to swim instead. There is something satisfying about jumping into a cold pool. By the end of my workout, I felt refreshed, accomplished and glad I went. On the way home, I ran into a couple friends in town for an old roommate's wedding. It was so good to see them and hear about the twists their lives have taken since graduation last year. I left them smiling and strangely craving Fish and Chips for dinner! Bizarre right?

Well, I started walking around... tying to think of a place whose fish I would trust but wasn't "sit down" (dining alone is one of my biggest fears). And I could come up with nothing! I walked a few blocks then doubled back thinking how ridiculous I was for walking all around in search of a plate of Fish and Chips. "I have food at home" I reasoned... Darlene would certainly approve of me eating a salad at home... and the money... "I surely don't need to spend the money... not to dine out by myself!" Mysteriously compelled, 20 minutes later I found myself sitting down at Rock Bottom where Lauren was my server. Having to tell the host that it was "just me" was rough and somehow thought this was an exercise in singleness; some sort of test from the Lord to learn to depend on His presence. As Lauren put my order of Fish and Chips in though, my eyes welled up with tears remembering it was the 6 month anniversary of my grandpa's death.

A flood of memories came back of Grandpa and Grandma and me sitting down to dinner at restaurant in Saint Clair Shores. Once I ordered Fish and Chips and my Grandpa made fun of me- saying how much he hated the smell of fish, but he would let his "little girl" get it anyway. From that point forward I don't think I ordered anything but Fish and Chips. It became our little joke and I couldn't help but laugh as the fish oil sunk into my finger tips. How appropriate! And truly not how I ever would have thought to commemorate the day.

I sat there through several refills of water, writing furiously in my notepad about my thoughts and feelings. Poor Lauren probably thought I was doing some sort of restaurant review or something! I left him a note with the check explaining the significance of the night, thanking him for being so nice and that my grandpa would have really liked him. (Yes, I really did leave him a note. No, it did not include my phone number. ) Of course, Journey sang "Don't Stop Believin" as I paid. No worries, I left Lauren a big tip. :)

For awhile that night I wept from the deepest place in me. In those moments, I felt convinced that nothing could be right ever again... A chapter about the strength and power of the name of Jesus came to mind from the latest book I read. At first it felt kinda silly to say His name with no request attached, but there was comfort in knowing that He was with me. More comfort than my words alone can explain. I played a Cedarville College recording from about 8 years ago and this line seems to resonate my heart "Many things about tomorrow, I may not seem to understand, but I know Who holds tomorrow and I know Who holds my hand...His presence goes before me, and I'm covered by His blood..."

Again I found that I had no options about who to run to or not.... all my friends were gone. :) So I ran into the everlasting arms of my Big Papa God. And found him there- big enough to hear me, to comfort me, to be my stability. I spent the end of my night out at the beach watching the waves crash onto the beach. I love the sound and sense of smallness I feel at the lake. (Though we should probably not mention it to my parents that I was there alone in the dark!)

LORD,
Thank You for giving me so many years with Grandpa! Thank you for his stories. Thank you for saving him and changing him. Thank you for the assurance that he is with You right now. I'm so grateful for all the jokes and time spent together; for all the life lessons and projects we worked on in the garage together; and for all the times I ate fish and chips with him too!