True Story(ies)

Wednesday the children came over. In between chomping on popcorn and playing monopoly, there was a commentary happening abut a girl from their school.
Enosha: "She is so ugly- she look like Hello Kitty!"
LeLe: "Girl, don't be talking about "Hello, Kitty!" "Hello Kitty" is pretty... what are you talking about?"
TRUE STORY.

Thursday I grabbed a "Big Gulp" at 7-11 on my lunch break. As I was walking back to work, I heard a man on the other side of the street yelling out, "Hey, Big Gulp!" After a few more times, I turned and made eye contact. He started to run across the street, but I turned, said nothing and kept walking. HEY BIG GULP.... REALLY? There's no way I am answering to that!
TRUE STORY.

I forgot that I was supposed to bring snacks for our weekly staff break at work... Happy Half... So I ran to the shop for pizza and Gummi Bears and called it good. That's my style.
TRUE STORY.

I applied to Moody Theological Seminary and Graduate school. Hopefully, I'll be accepted.. that would be embarrassing! :) It will be good to learn again. I do strangely miss it.
TRUE STORY.

My friend Scarlett is coming to visit next week. I am so excited to talk to her. She has been in Hungary for the past year and a while longer. She and I were on the same floor our first 2 years and RA's together the last one. She is a great friend, that friend!
TRUE STORY.

The Christmas season has officially begun. For me, the Andrew Peterson "Behold the Lamb" concert always rings in this "most wonderful time of the year." This year, Alli and I went with Dave and Joscey. It was a blast! WE sat behind a man who wore too much cologne, but we forgave him because we all got to sit together. (Which was quite an accomplishment, thanks to Dave's outgoing personality. Winner.) After the show; Alli, Joscey and I got to talk to Andrew Peterson. While he was signing a book for us, the silence was making me kinda antsy so I started talking. Usually this is a bad decision on my part- HOWEVER, this time it worked out beautifully. I decided to tell him about what a comfort the Resurrection Letters, Vol. 2 CD had been to me during this past year of grieving the loss of my Grandpa. To remember the powerful LIFE we have been given in Jesus is such a gift. It meant alot to me to say that to him in person (even though I had already sent him a fan letter... which he said he remembered. oh yes! And we've run out of time in this blog for that story! Tune in next time... hahaha)
TRUE STORY.

Someday I'll be... part of that world...

At some point I really may run out of blog titles because they all seem to be classic song titles. Oh well, I really cannot help it if the jukebox tune in my head seems to be able to crystallize the moment perfectly.

This one started playing after a friend called to say that she was quasi dating the man of her dreams. Total unnecessary dramatic (even theatrical) response, I know! I was and continue to be so incredibly happy for her.... however (100 points to those of you who saw that coming from a mile away) the timing was... shall we say... LESS than ideal.

That morning I had left home and returned on the Amtrak to Chicago. Despite the fact that my routine and my job and my stuff is all here... it is more and more difficult for me to leave that wonderful field in Michigan where I grew up. I came home to an empty apartment... a small empty apartment... and I was sad. Sad that no puppy dogs were excitedly jumping on me, licking my face and sniffing my butt. Sad that my sister was not turning around from the kitchen sink in her apron. Sad that an episode of Monk was not heard as the door opened. Sad that there was no hug or kiss hello. And then all that sadness overwhelmed me and suddenly I had convinced myself that I would never have any of those things. Convinced that I would always live in this apartment. Convinced that I would work at Moody forever. Convinced that I would never be disciplined enough to save money ( I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but I thought it). Convinced that I would always have a roommate instead of a husband. Convinced that I would never have children. Convinced that I was a loser! Seriously, even reading that back I get depressed. That's just how quickly the mind (hopefully not just my mind) can spiral out of control though.... and then before you know it you are recounting your failures and weakness looking to blame something for what you don't have, simultaneously blowing your nose and pulling out a spoon to take a stab at Ben and Jerry('s). *Ring! Ring!* (Actually, right now my cell phone sounds more like a Mexican Fiesta) So, like I said before... not exactly IDEAL timing.

Hanging up the phone and humming this tune to myself was pretty easy. I tried to be spiritual by turning it into a prayer... "Lord, when will I be... part of that world... when's it my turn?" but honestly that was as much of a disaster as the Mr. Roger's Opera "Bubbleland." It's not that I am unsatisfied with my present circumstances. I actually love my small apartment very much and working at Moody and having a roommate and not saving money. :) It can feel scary though sometimes- like maybe it's not just a season...maybe it's forever. Some kind of heavenly version of a promissory note would be great, a divine IOU.

I (God) owe you (Rachel Elizabeth Monfette) a husband by 2012. Problem solved right? It would be if this had ANYTHING to do with truth or reality... but it doesn't... just a fantasy of mine where I am in control of everything and I get everything I want. Just a really small view of God- one that I can order around and predict His next move. Just the most ungrateful attitude that I could approach God with after He is so incredibly good to me eternally!

Another set of lyrics jump to mind... LeCrae, Don't Wanna Waste My Life. (I realize it's a big jump from cartoon mermaid wearing a shell bra to urban rapper extraordinaire wearing a pair of Nike hightops, but stick with me here.)
See your money, your singleness, marriage, talent, your time/
They’ve been loaned you to show the world that Christ is divine
Maybe it's not the revolutionary thing you thought I oughtta say next, but it has revolutionary ramifications if we truly believe the simple truth packed in those lyrics. When I sing this song I actually sing it a little bit differently (what can I say? I am my father's daughter! We are still arguing over whether it is Cry. Cry, cry cry 96 years or 96 tears...). What I usually sing is
See your money, your singleness, marriage, talent, your time/
They belong to you to show the world that Christ is alive
What if I really believed that my singleness, my empty apartment was on purpose? And not just to keep Ben and Jerry's afloat in the current economy either; but for a purpose as big as showing the world WHO CHRIST IS! That's pretty amazing.

I'm not saying that there's no place for tears when you are in an empty apartment feeling lonely- I would be shooting myself in every vital organ I have if I said that. I'm just saying that God made me a "mermaid" on purpose and I will not go consorting with "Ursula" to try and change that. For one, she is WAY too scary for me to handle! And two, I think she is married to Ben (or Jerry) and I am pretty sure there is some sort of conspiracy going on. The Scare and Spoon feed tactic... OK, I'm done. hahahhaha. so done. but I think you get the point.

You know you're a Monfette when...

1. it takes your Dad 20 minutes to get through the first question of the "What kind of flirt?" test because he is analyzing the 1 sentence scenario. Scooting to Forever 21 to score a skirt is kinda complicated. :) (He's a fab flirter, as am I, if you were wondering!Half the family was Hushed Hunnies and thankfully no Man Eating MaMa's among us!)

2. you try to give your 54 year old father the "What kind of flirt are you?" pre-teen magazine test in the first place.

3. the instructions your family gives about the new pepper grinder sound something like this: "Righty, grindy" We have all yet to figure out what Lefty is...

4. you puke all over the back of the mini van affectionately known as "the Bomber." (yeah, that was me... who knew I still get car sick?)

5. you ride the train from hades with people who claim not to be from "Sagi-nasty" and stand up and ask the whole car (which smells like garbage) if anyone is bothered by their laptops blaring their movies, with a scary couple who stares at you across the aisle and asks if you have a headache when you scratch your temple randomly.... creeper!

6. you laugh out loud at a man wearing a Bob Dylan shirt who asks a girl on the train at 7:30am if he can "slide in" and then does not stop talking for an hour.... hahahhaha! poor girl. Shut it Bob!

7. you and your Mom sit in "the Bomber" (contaminated with puke) laughing so hard tears are rolling down your face because you are watching 8 grown men try to set up a gigantic Christmas tree in downtown Armada. As hard as they heaved on that rope, and as good as they looked in their Carhart onsies... they just could not get the job done!

HOW BIZARRE

Today I retrieved the pile of mail waiting for me after being away from work for almost 2 weeks. In the pile was the latest copy of the Moody student newspaper. On the front cover was story about the release of an upcoming Christian movie that included a picture of a man in a penguin suit standing next to a bearded man. A bearded man that I used to know. And actually even used to love. A man I haven't talked to since last March when I told him that and he didn't return the sentiments. Ouch! Of all the places in the world for his beautiful face to appear.... how how how did it end up on the cover of the Moody student newspaper?!

Every time I look around.... baby baby ... you're making me crazy... how bizarre!

Doing the Hokey Pokey

These things each could probably have had their own blog post; but I was too lazy/busy to write them and so are now just a list you can ask me for more details about later:

1. "The pretty one" at work told me that my hair looked good the other day when it was greasy and un-styled. :) Yes... I am a force to be reckoned with.

2. I went to my first grad school class. Maybe it's not as exciting as it sounds. Kaits and I are considering taking a Moody Grad class so we visited one tonight. It was Dr. Thrasher's class about prayer and we spent the whole hour praying together which was very refreshing. I've never met Dr. Thrasher, but I just received a free book yesterday that he had written. And that one time when I talked to Dwight Edwards (love of my heart!) he said that he knew Bill Thrasher. I also learned that there are a whole lotta good looking men there. Just sayin.

3. There are some things in life that just don't mix. Like sardines and orange juice. Like Star Wars and My Little Pony. Like me shouting up to a window of an apartment in Cabrini that I brought cash.

4. It's NO SHAVE NOVEMBER! This is a month that I can really, REALLY appreciate. Men, feel free to continue the occasion into the new year.... Furry February anyone??

5. I bought musical cards today. And that made me so happy! One played the chicken dance- which I may have actually done in my co-workers office (minus the butt wiggling. :) I just added some extra claps.) The other one played Gloria Estefan singing "Get on your feet"

6. I think have a stalker. Her picture is below - BEWARE! Actually I know her and love her. And she has a blog you should read now.


7. Phil the Trainer. Like a joke with bad timing....(My mom makes bread!) Phil is from 2 weeks ago computer software training at work. He had alot of interesting memory tricks... such as referring to certain icons within the program as "eye candy" and calling my co-worker a sugar daddy. :) these are the things blogs are made of folks.

8. Update on my love life: I tried to talk to Baldie the other night. We ended up talking about HANGERS! Not even the interesting kind that house airplanes. Oh no... the regular old triangular shaped ones that you hang your coat on in a closet. epic fail!

8. The Bluewater #364 train is pulling out of Union station tomorrow with me on board! I am headed home for Thanksgiving. It feels surreal... I am not quite ready for this time of year. I am glad to be going home for awhile to be with family and friends, but I am also apprehensive about the raw emotions these familiar people and places bring. The 1 year anniversary of my grandpa's death is approaching much quicker than I would like. In so many ways, I can celebrate the Lord's faithfulness. I am OK a year later... I didn't think that was possible last Thanksgiving. Still the pain of death's separation stings. I also have not talked to my grandpa in a year or heard him laugh or say my name, have not heard one of his jokes or watched him tinker in the garage, have not hugged him or said goodnight to him. Realities that seemed to be so routine a little over a year ago- I miss those sweet moments.

Goodbye Pi-Yo, Hello Joe!

Pi-Yo, Bye-Yo
Tuesday morning Alli and I met at Woman's Workout World. I was late. As usual, the CTA gave me a hard time. As usual, it won the skirmish and as usual, dropped me off somewhere further away from the gym than I intended to be. When I came running in, my dear friend had a mat set up for me. Things looked a little different than the last time I had been there.
1. Alli and I were positioned dead center right behind the teacher.
2. There was a different teacher.
3. There were exercise balls in front of everyone's mat.
Hmmmm. Apparently, in the moments before my arrival the substitute teacher announced to the class that she did not indeed know Pi-Yo and so she was going to teach us Kickin' Core Ball instead. Alli and I are not ones to back down from a challenge, so we decided to try it out. And TRY we did. We positioned the ball between our knees as instructed and flailed about attempting to keep up with the rapid fire sequence of squats and kicks and punches and clapping! (yelling hi-ya comes in the next level if I remember correctly!) I have to admit, it is much harder to follow along when you are laughing so hard you cannot keep your eyes open or get your breath. I couldn't help myself though.... my exercise ball kept rolling away and I got in trouble with Sparky (Alli's affectionate name for the class leader) for not bringing shoes to a high-impact workout! After literally 5 minutes of this embarrassing hysteria invoking shenanigan of a work out, Alli leaned over to see if coffee might be more our pace for this AM. So we put away our mats and gave our exercise balls to poor souls coming in even later than me. Don't hate, you would have left too, if it happened to you! And really it worked out much to our advantage, we got to say we went to the gym that morning, we enjoyed a cup of coffee (more like dessert for me) made by a very fine looking young man named Joe and had a great conversation on the outdoor patio between brown line trains coming and going. Hooray for adventures!

Seen & Heard on the Streets:
- I saw a police officer on a 4 wheeler pull over car today in downtown Chicago. I would like to ask that man just what angle he plans to use when explaining the situation to his wife... :)
- Earlier this week I walked past this very professional business woman, talking loudly on her phone. She said, "So then I text my Dad that I was as lesbian...." and the rest was out of earshot. Text, really?
- 2 college age guys were on their way to 7-11 to pick up a beer pong kit (OK, I don't know that's where they were going, but I do know those kits are being sold there now. hahaha) One was talking about an awful date he had been on recently. He confessed, "I am only funny I guess when I am alone!" ba-dum-ch!
- Imagine a woman looking like a hot mess at 6:30am at a Starbucks in the loop- like she just came from trying to work out. She's laughing pretty close to uncontrollably and when she is able to take a breath and speak, the words come out fast and much too loud. "I couldn't even keep that ball between my knees!" Congratulations, you just shared TMI. (Confession: That one was me- in the context of trying to follow along in Kicking Core Ball with Sparky. Oops!

Couldn't be Happier

'We will rock you' or 'Eye of the Tiger' would have been more appropriate since I was at Moody's North/South football game last night. But instead sweet, perky, unconvinced lyrics from WICKED kept playing through my head. I was pretty happy though. :) And understandably so...

I could not have been happier to be standing on the crowded bleachers ringing my Moody Alumni Association cowbell!
I could not have been happier to be jumping and singing and laughing with AUBREY MARTIN! She is a pretty amazing woman... and I'm glad we are friends. and reads my blog. :)
I could not have been happier to have gummy bears in one coat pocket and pistachios in another to snack on!
I could not have been happier to see how much Moody is changing.... for good (sorry I couldn't resist another 'wicked' song reference.) Live band, hot wings, a unified crowd, a president on the field playing, boys with letters painted on their chest, MBI issue cowbells and thunder sticks, etc. O yeah, Big Moody!

I could not have been happier to have spent the past 3 days with my family. I love them so much and miss them when we are separated by the entire state of Michigan and some of Indiana.
I could not have been happier to spend a night in with them playing games and eating snacks and drinking pop just like we were home. And to have friends like Donald and Joe and Kaits there too.
I could not have been happier to pick out a movie to watch with my sisters that was not a TOTAL dud. You may not know, but I have quite a reputation for picking (to put it mildly) stinkers....movies where the wife of the neighbor is found under their porch by small children, where the father dies and comes back to support his son as a talking dog, mean girls who push a girl to the brink of suicide, 4 office workers who live a meaningless existence watching the clock. No need to further explain my outburst of joy. :)

I could not have been happier to sleep in this morning until 7:50am. Seriously, who could ever have imagined that in 2 weeks that is the latest I would have slept? Incredible that I have not lost control of my bodily functions. yet.
I could not have been happier to run with Raven this morning and get to know more about who she is and encourage her about the 5K next Saturday.
I could not have been happier to finally arrive home today. Without Kaits to protect me, the CTA hurled all it's ugly hatred at me. I tried 3 different routes home and missed 3 buses... total defeat.
I could not have been happier to shower and shave my legs today.
I could not have been happier to spend two hours at an outdoor table of Starbucks with Chaim Potok. LOVE that man.
I could not have been happier to walk past Mary Mary today (this REALLY eccentric store around the corner from my house that is always blaring classic rock power ballads of the 80's and 90's). They had the Christmas decor out and all of it was sparkly.... I wholeheartedly approve. AND the sign out front read, "Shopping is your patriotic duty. It stimulates the economy." hhahahhahahahahhahahaha! Good angle Mary (Mary)!
I could not have been happier to receive the LORD's forgiveness after trying to find happiness outside of Him this afternoon.
I could not have been happier to finally clean out our supply closet that has been in shambles for awhile. (This may be due in part to the fact that I have not yet done this... but am planning to tonight. Depending on what I find, there may be another whole post dedicated to it. :) you never know...)

NUMB3RS

2.
Days until the family arrives in Chicago for a ruckus good time! We have a few good things on the agenda, but are mostly planning to be together. I love them so much.

3.
Hours until lunch. mmmmm... how is it that I am thinking about lunch already?

5.
Kilometers I ran yesterday at the Hot Chocolate 5K. Even though it is only 3.1 miles, it was a big accomplishment for me. Getting out there among the runners felt intimidating, but there was no foaming at the mouth or little cart to pick me up. :) I was not a poser....I ran the whole way... and I might add; at a pace a minute and half quicker per mile than I had practiced running it! I'm so thankful that Kaits ran with me- she really challenged my pace and kept it positive. Yeah Cheer Bear! Running into the finish line was really exciting- there were people cheering and music blaring and we sprinted through the finish. Then we cheered for the 15K runners at mile 9. There was a professional cheer-er there. He was screaming at the elite runners (who were already going ridiculously fast- 6 minute miles). "ATTACK!" he would yell.... "TAKE HIM OVER!" "BEAT HIM TO THE FINISH!" "ATTACK!" hahahahha. Kaits and I tried to keep the cheering a little more positive. We sang "Don't Stop Believing" to Joe as he ran by with his crowd of women. ;) Then we ate chocolate fondue. It was delicious. Mmmmm.... Will Run for Chocolate.

7.
Hours until SLAM. Love going there on Monday nights. Love the humbling responsibility it is to pray over these kids and coaches. So thankful that the Spirit of God is alive and moving and changing lives!

20.
Days until the anniversary of Grandpa's death. I don't feel ready for this. at all. It seems unreal that I have not talked to him or heard him laugh or seen his face in a whole year. I hate the time passing- it makes me feel as if I am drifting further and further away from him when all I really want is to be closer to him. I hate my powerlessness because there is nothing I can do to bridge that ever widening gap. Death is a beast and grieving is a long process. I am thankful that our God has conquered death and that His love for is does not falter. His name is greatly to be praised- it is only His faithfulness and grace that has seen me through this year.

31.
Days until Behold the Lamb. until I am sitting completely in rapture listening to the most amazing story of God told with some of the most moving music in the world with some of my favorite people of all time. Dave and Joscey and Alli!

C'Mon Vogue...

Been feeling like I'm striking alot of poses lately... which is a cutesy way of saying that I feel like a POSER! :) Particularly in regards to my new fixation on exercise.

POSE #1. THE GYM.
Tuesday morning, I went to Women's Workout World (I know you're jealous) for a Pi-Yo class with Alli. When I say " morning"- what I really mean to say is the middle of the night... when everyone should be sleeping! Just saying... 5:45am makes for a BRISK walk. (Free info about this morning: I walked because the CTA hates me and figured it would be quicker. Turns out that Monroe is much deeper into the Loop than I thought. hahaha. At every street I approached, I would pray "please let this be Monroe", but apparently God was not into restructuring the city of Chicago so I could be on time to Pi-Yo. apparently.) The class was good. Hopefully everyone was oblivious to the fact that I was nervously dropping things trying to hang up my coat in the locker room, and that I was wearing holey socks, and that I had unshaven legs and that I fell when trying to do a girly push-up.... hopefully because I will be seeing alot more of these women since I walked out a member of Women's Workout World! W3 if you will.

POSE #2. RUNNING IN THE CITY.
Yesterday I went out for a run feeling gloomy. After 2 blocks, I was ready to turn tail and run right back to my sofa. "C'mon girl! Work it off! Work it off!" was suddenly being shouted down the block at me by a man who was homeless. He was relentlessly encouraging- to the point I waved and thanked him from the corner of the next block. As I approached the entrance to Navy Pier, I was feeling considerably stronger. A group of hoodlums passed me and commented on my thighs jiggling. awesome. thank you. so impressed by your swagger and big talk. blah! And that's why you're hoodlums. Well, they may have thought it was funny, but these thighs jiggled a whole 2.8 miles without stopping! Boom Baby! I ran from Ohio Street to Oak Street beach on the lakefront and got to round that sweet corner I have always wanted to. That felt good- like sweet victory... proving to myself, my homeless cheer team and the hoodlums that I could do more than we all thought at the beginning of that run. However, at the end of this sweet success I smelled terrible... my pony tail was dripping with sweat... and I realized I had worn a very unsafe outfit completely of navy blue(sorry Mom! But I did put my ID in my bra in case I died. haha. for reals.)... Not exactly a cover girl for Runner's World you know?

POSE #3. MY WHOLE LIFE.
I'm pretty much an open book with my life... hence the hysteria that is sometimes captured in these posts. There are days though that I feel like I am posing in my whole life. Secretly, (OK, not so secretly) I am a basket case of emotions and yet instead of that I pose as so many other things. Mostly as someone that is OK with seeing her flaws, that is unaffected by the comments of hoodlums, that has so much grace for the parts of herself that remain unraveled, that is not annoyed by the hair on her chin she forgot to pluck all week....

I guess that doesn't make me a poser, just human. I'm not pretending to be those things; I am learning to be those things...with the exception of my chin hair. That has got to go as soon as I get off work! So go ahead and let your body move to the music! It's fun... VOGUE!

Lil Help Please....

I have "Dance Extravaganza" on my outlook calender for next Thursday (October 5th).

Anyone know what this is or where??


I really wouldn't want to miss a dance extravaganza, but I literally have the memory of Dori the fish from Finding Nemo. :)


If anyone knows or would like to go with... let me know!

Three steps forward, Two steps back

I wish that the title of this blog had something to do with me learning the cha-cha slide, but really it has to do with how victoriously broken I am. (Whatever that means!)

3 steps forward
Recently, in life I have been experiencing a kind of pleasure that took me awhile to figure out. A pleasure in doing things that matter, in saying no to sin, in running to the Lord with questions, finding my place in this world. Though still in progress, I am making significant headway in just "being."

Yesterday I ran 2 miles...18 times around the track...without stopping! It may have been very slow and at times not very graceful, but it got done! I don't think I have been able to say that since 2000 when Keith Keitz was breathing down my neck in soccer practice. Kaits and I signed up for a 5K that is in 2 weeks and I was nervous that I would have some kind of 4 hour time and the race staff come out looking for me and find me running along side the road in the dark talking crazy to myself and foaming at the mouth. (The foaming at the mouth makes it much more believable don't you think?) hahahaha. Anyway, the fact that I could run 2 miles did alot for my morale and I was feeling pumped about the accomplishment. I went to Weight Watchers and bought some healthy groceries and spent my night quietly reading Chaim Potok. I even lit candles!

2 steps back
Not exactly sure what happened to my mental balance except that it tilted....severely tilted right before bed. I got jealous over something insignificant and instead of sleeping sweetly.... my blood pressure got high enough I finally passed out in sleep. Today I spent most of my mental energy thinking about a boy I used to love, whose mass email list I somehow ended up on again. I then spent half of my lunch break forwarding it to friends and family until I came to.
LAME! PATHETIC! ANGRY! LONELY! ANNOYED! DISAPPOINTED! WEARY! These are the sum total of my current emotions. In the shadow of so many healthy choices, how can there possibly be such a wake of chaos and "confusion"?

These are the kind of moments and days that I nurse the beast that bays for my blood as Andrew Peterson sings. "If I was someone else, if I could run better, if I was more beautiful, if I was more positive, if ___fill in the blank with the most derogatory statement____, etc." the beast whispers to me, "then I could have the comfort and the affection that I crave. Then I would feel safe and secure and wouldn't need my jealousy to protect me. Wouldn't I like that?"
There's a part of me that can only manage to whimper yes.....
Even as I am typing though, I can feel a Joan of Ark-esque spirit rising up in another part of me. Rising up to remind me that the beast isn't telling me the whole story. There is no need to compare myself... no need at all when you can run 2 miles and make crowns like me! :)

Here I am at Camp Granada....

Here's a list of places I would rather be right now:
(not in a snotty, "I hate my life" kinda way; just in an "I'm bored and these times and places are so great" kinda way)

1. NOVA SCOTIA. Specifically, here. It will be so great to someday experience the coast there and be awed by God's creation. There is so much "scope for the imagination" in that place. And YES! I am shameless quoting from Anne of Green Gables. Maybe I think if i go there, some of her spunk will rub off on me. haha. As if I need more spunk!

2. PARK BENCH. With a soft blanket and my latest Chaim Potok novel, The Promise. If you have never read anything by him, you need to. His characters are such a treat to struggle through things with. Tragically beautiful!

3. TASTEE FREEZE. No significant reason. I just love ice cream. Chocolate dipped in chocolate. mmmm!

4. 15 PASSENGER VAN. The Kimberley Family had this rocking 15 passenger van that we took on a road trip to DC one Summer. (Maybe it was for a HSLDA homeschool rally) It was maroon with a silver stripe down the middle, Ford of course. A rare beauty! In between hearing speeches and lobbying at the Capitol, we accidentally drove down one way streets and parked illegally. It was such a fun time driving back too- making up motions to country songs. "I had a BBQ stain on my white T-shirt... she was killing me in that mini-skirt.." good times.

5. SOCCER PRACTICE. When I was 11 or 12 our soccer coach couldn't make it to a practice and so we combined with an older team. I was super nervous and wanted to get out of there PRONTO. I was not the best runner, I was not the best keeper, I didn't even look all that great in our neon green uniforms; very few do. All this didn't usually matter except that now the older girls were gonna see that. No one was paying very much attention to the instruction about blocking that Mr. Soley was giving, except me. hahaha. It was my turn to try out this technique he had been going on about...try out by going up against the best girl on their team, Stacey Soley.("American Woman" should start playing as she stands in front of a paint splashed background in her spandex shorts crushing all the air out of a soccer ball with her bare hands, hair blowing in the wind while her lips creep upwards into a vicious smile revealing her bright yellow mouth guard.) Everyone before me had failed and I wasn't too hopeful about my chance. To my amazement though, I blocked the ball! Stacey was mad, and Mr. Soley could not have been prouder. :) That was a good time.

6. TN with Earl

Raindrops on Roses...

Things that make me squirm:
1. A new porn rack in my local 7-11 and a bunch of guys standing around googling at them together. ick!
2. Wet feet.
3. Sharing a pool lane with a male co-worker.
4. My fave team on the Amazing Race got out after they came in first because they lost their passport! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Things that make me laugh:
1. Steve Green.
2. A new breed of missionary representatives that bring up the "right to bear arms" in their sales pitch.

Things that make me smile:
1. My office being pretty close to settled... just waiting for one wall to be painted.
2. the weekend is 6 minutes away!
3. Going to see WHIP IT with Alli-Cat tonight.
4. Brownies with frosting on them.

Things I cannot think of a good category for:
1. My hair looks awesome today!
2. I bought some art for our bathroom yesterday.
3. The candle scent "Dune Grass" is actually quite pleasant.
4. Bought my old boss a singing Happy Bosses Day card.... I think I forgot to even acknowledge the day last year.
5. Someone told me that I looked radiant today and asked if I got married. hahahahaha! Sure wish I knew what I was doing... I would market it for sure. (Guaranteed to make you glow like you just got married!)
6. Drawing a water fountain is HARD! If you come up with any good techniques... let me know!

WARNING! Blasting Zone Ahead

Someone once told me that I had a "rich inner world." Which is a blessing, but also a curse. I feel as though I am living in the midst of a blasting zone right now and trusting one day at a time that the Lord is expertly removing all the ugliness from my life, one blast at a time.

A couple weeks ago, I experienced a “H-e-double hockey sticks” of a night. It was the closest to a panic attack I had come in 6-7 years. I was weeping uncontrollably and couldn't catch my breath and kept having flashes of something gruesome and awful and was thrashing around in anger or fear or confusion or all of the above. It was intense. Kaits prayed over me like it was her job and finally I calmed down enough to sleep.

I was feeling like it was a sign of failure and weakness and disappointment. And really wanting to quit- quit trying to be holy, quit valuing myself enough to make healthy choices, quit work and just live in a hole and eat worms and cry.Kinda dramatic but it was such a dark night. I really felt like there was not much hope. I felt pathetic, worthless and shamed.

By the end of that week the Lord had opened up 2 specific opportunities that I could not have imagined being a part of before. It was like the Lord was proving to me that this fight is worth it. 1. My neighbor ("The beautiful one" as the boys downstairs refer to her) saw me in the hall the next day and invited me to an Indian dance show at the Old Town School of Folk Music. We have been talking about doing something together for months, but it never seems to work out. I had the night free but was feeling understandably exhausted. My spirit felt compelled to go and even seemed a step of obedience. It was kind of intimidating since "the beautiful one" is just that and classy too; a wine and cheese and pearls kinda woman. It was an amazing show and I enjoyed getting to know her a little and a couple of her friends. She is an avid traveler and a snappy dresser. Hopefully there will be more such times... 2. The GRIP retreat was such an encouraging experience (minus all the akward attempts to talk to people - haha). There were sessions that broke my heart, that educated me about realities of city living and convicted me to my core. One evening devotional was by a great man of prayer. He talked about the importance and power of prayer in our life and ministry. He talked about claiming territory (literal, physical land) in the name of Jesus. I've always thought of (and been taught that) the earth as Satan's turf that will be destroyed and remade at Christ's return. He described the scenario somewhat differently though and it rocked my world. I don't know if I "agree" or not- still chewing it over. It's a much more covenant theology, Hasidic Judaism kind of thinking about ushering in the kingdom it seems. I absolutely do believe in the Spirit though and His work to change a life and even a place. 2 days after that rough night one of the staff memebers from GRIP asked me to take a more involved role in intersessory prayer part of the program. Especially for someone who is an Activator (Now, Discover Your Strengths), it might be easy to do alot of busy work and forget that without the Spirit of the Living God.... nothing is accomplished!

That terrible night was a definite turning point for me… To still say “no” to the flesh, to draw the line and say that I do not answer to it even though it screams my name. That awful, battle-exhausted feeling has given way to a feeling of victory I have not known so fully in awhile. And I am so thankful for this moment to reflect on where He has brought me to…. And that I can trust He will be faithful to complete the work He has started in my life. Though I hate that place of need being exposed and don’t like the inconvenience or embarrassment of it all; I am confident that this pain and struggle are the instruments that God is using to form me more into His image. There is power in the blood!!! O Praise the One, Who took my debt and raised this life up from the grave!

That feeling of invincibility and victory ebbs and flows. Currently, I feel that my mind (like love) is a battlefield. So many fears surrounding my identity cause me to mistrust those who love me most. Lame and destructive, I know! I'm thankful for a wise and godly woman who was able to speak some very potent truth to me this week over coffee and kleenex. It is a good thing to be called out when you are bogus, even if it is painful to hear. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend..." I'm also thankful for super patient friends and roommate. God is doing such a purifying work in me right now. I'd much rather put on a bunch of theatrics and go through a flurry of activities, slapping band-aids on all the wounds; than to just be before the LORD and allow His truth to saturate and transform my mind. In my weariness of doing battle with my own flesh the Lord is teaching me that it is not a microwave kind of spirituality that He is accomplishing in my life, but a slow roasting one...not a 99 cent burrito kind of meal, but instead a sunday dinner.

You'll Thank Me Later...

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The change in weather has prompted me to return to hot Caramel Macchiatos as my drink of choice. Over the summer, I forgot how much I love the foam mixed with the caramel sauce mmmmm....pure love!

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My newest ridiculous idea includes helping to start a "makeup abstinence program" to help women clear up their skin. Phase 1: Detox... hahaha. (Confession: This began as a joke, but everytime I tell the story I get a new idea and in my mind it has turned into a full fledged business plan, complete with infomercial worthy testimonials.)

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Met another "big brother" at the pool yesterday.... awkward.

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It's coming! The Tattoo and body art expo! The world's largest.... classy, Chicago.... classy!

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I may have belted out a curious rendition of "I will always love you..." at our GRIP retreat. ;) It felt like summer camp all over again. Embarrassment in front on the group. Check! No, for real though it was totally fun.

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Walking past the counselors office yesterday I heard a group of them making jokes about liability insurance.

Talking to Boys

Do you ever do something embarrassing enough to block it out of your memory for most of the day and then as you lay in bed that night feel compelled to get up and blog about it since your roommate is sleeping and it is making you seriously laugh out loud? Right now I am experiencing that phenom.

If you know me at all, you would agree that I have trouble with peer relationships- it takes me some time to ease into them. I do not do well with small talk so I have a rough time just mingling with people I have met for the first time. (NOTE: mingling is much different than schmoozing- I am very good at schmoozing.) Add to that personality disorder, my complete lack of filter and nervousness around men (particularly "chunky peanut butter" kind of men-those who are bearded, bald, sweaty) and you have yourself a recipe for disaster. O the disaster that is my life sometimes! :)

Last night at the GRIP retreat (which I will blog about in coming days as I process it- in summary though, AMAZING!) I played a game of Apples to Apples with people I didn't know or didn't know real well. Congratulations on being outside of your comfort zone Rach! Besides the time I randomly asked a man if we had the same phone then said nothing else the rest of the game to him, I did pretty well. A fun time was had by all and I ended up winning the game.

This morning at breakfast I sat next to the cell phone twin man. He very kindly started a conversation by offering kudos for winning the game last night. Suddenly I morphed into Steve Urkel and responded, "Thanks. Yeah, it was pretty amazing. I went back up to the room and made myself a crown last night!"
AND YOU'RE DONE!

Two crucial questions spring to mind:
1. What was the crown made out of?
and
2. REALLY?!?!?!?

I may have also drawn attention to the impressive amount of crumbs and poppy seeds all over the table surrounding my plate and forgot to say "thank you" when passed the cream cheese. awesome. Needless to say, the man found new friends by lunch.



*** Songs that could play here: "You ain't seen nothing yet... ba.ba.baby!"; "I'm a hazard to myself!" ; "Maps- they don't love you like I love you"***

The Gospel Truth

Last night was training for the SLAM program I am volunteering with on Monday nights throughout the school year. It is an awesome program and thankful that friends introduced me to the ministry. As the trainers were talking about discipline and why they set up the rules they do, I saw a glimpse into some bigger context for where these kids are coming from. So many stories they shared were similar to experiences I have had with "our kids" who have been coming over all summer and into the Fall. It was exciting in some ways for me to know that this guarded nature is typical and found myself overwhelmed once again at the privilege it is to be a part of their lives, to be a voice to their hearts.A few days ago, Heather, D'Shawn, Vincent and Enosha came over. Vincent came running into the house and gave me a big hug and said "Rachel I missed you!" At the time I was like, "Missed you too buddy!" and kinda kept right on hanging out. Laying in bed that night, reviewing my day though I remembered the exchange and had this sudden realization of just how special that is. He trusts me and knows that I love him. Seriously, these kids are a gift and I pray that they realize the Lord loves them even more than I do... which is ALOT!

One of the GRIP Volunteers gave a testimony about some kids that he mentored who eventually came to Christ. It was not an easy abbreviated experience. It was a sacrifice and required His constant dependence on the Spirit, but it was so sweet to hear that these young men had tasted eternal life! Sitting behind a desk all day worrying about problems like bed bugs and roommate fights, I guess I kinda forgot how electrifying the POWER of God unto Salvation is! This is the really real, folks!

Kaitlyn and I somehow started talking about Calvinism and Arminianism at the end of the night. We talked about what each school of thought believed and why and some of what we believed. It at no point was a heated debate, but it did bring back flashbacks of Moody and how sometimes those discussions were not very productive. It reminded me that we can "know it all" and yet if it doesn't make us more like Jesus than WHAT IS THE POINT?

People should know God's love and hear God's truth because it's for real! Why would you settle for being a clanging cymbal when there is so much more to the Gospel? Being right is not enough to change lives, to give joy, to bring freedom... Only Jesus can do that! I'm so thankful He did that for me....

New Olympic Sport: Carting

I tried to complete a simple task two days ago: grocery shopping.
In the city you have to be a little more creative about transportation than at home, but I am up for that challenge. The flawless plan was to walk to Jewel and bring along the handy cart from my Grandpa so I did not have to carry all the groceries back.

Here's the thing:
I got down on the street and could not figure out how to unfold this wire cart. I pushed and pulled and kicked it a few times, but to no avail. I would calmly lean against the brick of the building and wait for the crowd of people to get beyond me and then start my intense attempt to dislodge the cart. 15 minutes later I sat defeated and pouting on the stoop with no plan. Kaitlyn arrived just in time and saved the day- who knew that turning a cart upside down is an effective method?

So, with cart opened I was now back on track. A little later than I had hoped, but still in the plan. The walk to Jewel was very pleasant. I saw a couple of "our kids" on the lawn at Moody playing frisbee with their "Big Brothers" and thanked God for men in these boys lives. I had seen them earlier at the pool too. Somehow they can get whatever they want from me... I think I agreed to a pizza party at report card time! As I was getting out of the pool (you know that awkward moment when your suit suddenly becomes a suction cup and you realize you have not shaved in far too long?), one of the "big brothers" introduced himself. (Note: This is not the appropriate time to make small talk) I politely chatted with the bro, holding the boogie board just under my chin so as not to draw attention to how uncomfortable I felt meeting a (half naked) man for the first time in my suction suit, while dripping wet.

About an hour later; my hair still wet, and blocking out the entire poolside meet and greet, I passed the boys and their big brothers... with my cart... on my way to Jewel... to simply... grocery shop. I knew from the last time I had taken this cart to Jewel that you do not use it for putting items in it while you are shopping. Since it is made up of wide wire grids, it does not hold the groceries well unless they are bagged. Flashback: me joyfully manuvering my cart around Jewel. A woman stopping to inform me that I am "dragging my milk on the floor." Me looking back to see my 1/2 gallon of milk wedged between the floor and the bottom of my cart and then a trail of groceries from the dairy section to the deli counter that not even Hanzel and Gretel would envy. Bottom Line: It is merely a transportation tool. I know that.... now.

Here's the thing:
If you have a transportation cart and also need a shopping cart... how do you cart both? Well, after the dragging of the milk experience (DOTME as it's come to be known); I had noticed that people would put the transportation cart in the shopping cart and then at checkout would unload one into the other. Perfect plan! I tried to do this, however, my transportation cart is bigger than most and was hanging over the long side of the shopping cart. It was knocking into people. It was scaring children. And would you believe it... it was knocking over an entire salad dressing display? I recovered as I (somehow) always do and despite all the obstacles, I finished shopping in pretty decent time. The store was crowded and everyone seemed to be checking out at once. The lines were long and me and my two carts were feeling impatient. Instead of waiting in line and having some nice woman named Greta bag the items I purchased and figure out how to fit them all into my transportation cart...... I decided self checkout would be "quicker."

Here's the thing:
I don't even believe in self checkout- it steals jobs and the machines always seem to beep at you anyway or be out of something or require some kind of assistance. So normally I would avoid them, but for some reason I went there to check myself out. As I keyed in the individual codes for each kind of onion I bought and tried to make the machine believe that I really had bagged the last item (even though the PARTY STRAWS did not change the weight of the groceries much), a line formed behind me. A long long line of people who just wanted to pay for their bottle of AZ iced tea and gummy bears. They waited while I explained to the machine that I did not need assistance because the "unexpected item in the bagging area" was just my knee trying to keep the overflowing amount of groceries on the little sensor thingy. They waited as I tried to fit every bag into my transportation cart- a higher level of jigsaw then some can appreciate. I think they cheered as I took my receipt and tried ot manuever both carts at least to near the door where I could drop the shopping cart off. They waited just a moment longer as I accidentally ran into my ankle with the fully loaded transportation cart.

I will spare you the details of lugging the cartful of groceries up two flights of stairs. Suffice it to say, that as every other moment in this shopping escapade- it was PAINFUL.

Peapod. I bet whoever invented that, tried shopping once with a transportation cart.

7 Things Lighter than Meatloaf

Lately, my blog has been really serious and heavy and thoughtful.... like meatloaf. Tonight I was just reminiscing on all the funny things that have brought moments of relief in the midst of that and thought I would share them.

1. Question: who sends a sympathy e-card? It's a real category...

2. Today I saw a firetruck parallel park today. It took 2 firefighters with coffee in hand.

3. A friend and I went to a "world dance" performance. It turned out to be a school dance performance with the theme of ABRAHAM LINCOLN. I wish I was kidding... they were dancing to a narrator reading quotes from Abe's journals. They called it an "original composition" but I feel like our pal "honest Abe" is getting cheated.

4. As I am walking out of Solheim, one freshman says to another "....so then I said to him, 'Do you know why I love you so much?' And then I was like, "Because the Bible said to love your enemies' (laughter). " A shower of "Oh snap" rained from the other guy, as if it was the best burn he had heard in his life!

5. A man came in my office to ask a question- a simple professional question. He had a bunch of facial hair and I became overwhelmed by it all. I started sweating... always a bad sign for me and then my mouth went on strike. I was just uttering syllables and could not blend them into a cohesive sentence at all. How embarrassing!

6. Kaitlyn and I found a plant outside by our dumpster. Kaits had a vision for more green in our apartment, but I just wasn't seeing it. (It was a rather large plant) SO..... instead we decided to give it to Joe from "our beautiful neighbor." We wrote a note being sure to include how attractive we found his calves (it is after all his favorite muscle) and just like a solid bunch of Jr. Highers.... the rejection hotline. We were very "sneaky"- even disguising our handwriting. hahahhaa. It was great! We even documented the event.


7. Just tonight I discovered the literal video version on youtube. It has made my life infinitely funnier (similar to when I found those wedding videos). Here are two faves.... Enjoy!

Lil Surprises....

Pete and Repeat were in a boat.
Pete fell out.
Who was left?
REPEAT!

This joke should have been placed at the end of the last post. All week I feel like I have been having these profound emotions only to discover they are the same as the day before, and the day before that... different characters, same fears and confusion...waiting to be reckoned with. Why is it that inner turmoil is so patient? You would think that it could be a slacker... you would hope, but it's not.

Yesterday however the LORD showed me His hand in such silly ways; ways that would only mean anything to me. And in the midst of my inner turmoil, I tasted a bit of relief from the Hand of the Almighty... just enough to keep me from giving up...just enough to keep me laughing.

Silliness #1. I found an "M" in my shoe. No really- that's all. There was this little, fabric "M" that felt like a pebble in my shoe. When I took it out, it made me laugh and gave me a whole lot of "scope for the imagination." Instantly I had a hundred stories bombarding my head about where this may have come from and why.... Was it a coded message? Was it from a secret admirer? Was it actually a W? Is it a clue to a murder mystery? Did it have something to do with Asher Lev? And of course there were more but I will spare you those. I told one of my co-workers the story and he said, "So?" To which I responded..... "Yeah, I don't actually know why I find this so amusing, but I do....I really do!" I still do.

Silliness #2. A friend who "I absolutely adore" (It Takes Two quote), sent me one of the best presents ever. Sunday, Scott Krippayne led worship at Lil Liz's church in Grand Rapids, MI. (That sentence contains so many things I love!) If you don't know who Scott Krippayne is- you should be embarrassed, but know that you are not alone. Some hints that may jog your memory: sings the "I'm not cool, but that's OK, My God loves me anyway" song, played at the Frankenmuth music fest 6 years ago right before Selah, 2 years ago his song was chosen for the American Idol winner victory song, he rocks my face off. If all that is not helpful at all you can always look him up on itunes. haha. ANYWAY... Liz talked to him and took a video of him and sent it to me.
TOTALLY LOVE the double thumbs up and the incessant waving.... I bounced in my seat and showed everyone that came into my office. It's really amazing how 15 seconds of Scott Krippayne talking changed my mood. He really is so great! You should check out his music. "Deeper Still" is favorite.

Silliness #3. Last night Weight Watchers was rough. I gained for the second week in a row... not alot, but nonetheless pounds I had already worked hard to lose. That was disappointing and close to depressing. In the instant I stepped down off the scale, I decided to go to Jamba Juice for dinner. hahaha. Such a "healthy choice" I know. On the way down Michigan Avenue, my hands in fists, I tried hard to keep the tears from spilling over the dam. I tried to tell myself things that were true.... but they didn't feel very true. I spotted Donald from a distance- at first annoyed that I would have to be social. Donald asked me how I was... and I gave him a short summary, "Weight Watchers went bad just now. I'm probably gonna cry. I'm fine." How's that for preparation right? Bless his soul for being such a good hugger. That's really what I needed. What foolishness that in a city this large I would run into a friend on Michigan avenue!

Confession: The funky 90's tones of Scott Krippayne's latest album are washing over me and these lyrics caught my attention. "Help my heart see this as another way to be close to You. Remind me this is more than just a mountain; it's soon to be a story I can tell of Your faithfulness. I will not forget." Super need to remember that... I am compiling a "booty" of stories of God doing His thing, being just Who He said He is. So thankful for all the silly lil' surprises yesterday!

Who Am I?

The title of this post reminds me of Zoolander and makes me laugh... I wish that this weekend's identity crisis was as funny as that... and that I was as "ridiculously good-looking." :)

Not sure what brought this on, but I have been struggling with who I am and where I fit. hahaha. Reading that statement back makes me laugh because it sounds like it is such a unique struggle. Anyway, I guess being human brought that on.

I'm not the kinda girl that tends to put much stock in style or fashion or cars or money or fame or any of that materialistic stuff. Which makes me sound like a super amazingly spiritual person.... BUT I am realizing that instead too much of my identity is wrapped up in relationships to people. Which honestly explains so much about why I cannot handle when people are upset with me or feel shaken when I haven't connected with a certain person in awhile and why I frequently ask people if they are mad at me even if I have no earthly reason as to why they would be. If you thought that your identity was in jeopardy, you would freak out too.

Today was a sad one for me. Yesterday was 9 months since my Grandpa passed away and I did everything I could to avoid thinking about it... even walked 11 miles. This morning I watched Evita (one of those movies I was never allowed to watch that I finally wanted to see; only to say I saw it like the rest of the world) and it was sad. As the credits rolled, tears started to fill my eyes.... it really captured how death steals those we love away from us before we want and that made me think of my Grandpa and before I knew it the Kleenex box beside me was empty. I called my Mom after I pulled myself together and instantly she said- "What's wrong? It sounds like you've been crying." And again I lost it- this time blowing through a roll of toilet paper. I was still sad but also, there was something so wonderful about being known like that...something I am so far away from...something that I long for intensely.

It's not that I expect anyone to love me like my Momma- I know she has a particularly sweet love for me since she spent 24 hours in labor with me. Thanks Mom! It's just that no matter how good of a friend I have here- at any moment they could move out of my life... They could decide it would be easier to hang out with someone else, or move away or be really busy or start a relationship/get married or any number of other things. And I get it- I am the same way in other people's lives. We have no commitment to eachother necessarily, there's no vow we've taken. That leaves me feeling very unstable and I hate it. It is my deepest fear to be left alone.... to not be picked.... to be unwanted and unloved and unneeded and this instability leaves me vulnerable to that. This sends me into a panic for a solution.

It seems that authority should bring the kind of stucture that I am missing in my life. It links you irreversibly to someone else. Who is my authority though.... My parents, myself, my church, Moody, my friends? It seems ideal that whoever my authority is, I could depend on for my identity. If my parents, then I can forever remain Marianne and Leo's daughter. If I were married to Denzel Wahington, I could forever be Denzel's wife. And while we could say that these things are true (hypothetically), it doesn't necessary define me. No one in Chicago knows my parents and can know me without even meeting them. Also, as much I love Denzel... I would hate to be his wife only. I am far too opinionated for that. And Denzel is getting old anyway...what if we never get the chance to meet and get married for real? :) So that is not a profitable way to determine my significance, however I would like to solve this authority delimma sometime. (Maybe I am the only one, but it is something that I think about alot.... Like maybe we Western people are freedom crazy and it would be better to have a clear, firm authority structure. Would boundaries really be so oppressive?)

Another way I measure my worth is the role that I play- I am used to being the fat one, the funny one, the mothering one, the know it all, etc. Honestly, those are not good measures... what happens when I am not feeling funny? When mother cannot find a solution? When I don't know it all? Pressure and stress and disappointment in myself. That's what happens. Losing weight in the past 7 months has made this struggle evident- I still am significantly overweight, but the higher the number of pounds lost goes the more it threatens "who I am." What if I no longer have that to hide behind and find that there's no other place for me to fit in? At least I know that I can be "the fat one." And wouldn't that be better than "the forgotten one" anyway?

Bottom line: Whether it is intentional, like choosing to spend time with someone else or unintentional, like dying; there are no guarentees that anyone will be with me beyond this moment.

Today I was listening to LeCrae's song "Identity" and was convicted that "identity is found in the God we trust, any other identity will self destruct."

That is a harsh reality check for me. Harsh for two reasons: 1. I know that I am not living that way fully right now and therefore require change. 2. It is not nearly as instantly gratifying to trust in the unseen.


2nd Bottom Line: This post solved nothing and that is annoying! However, I feel a little better that it's out of my head. However, I also feel insecure that you may be reading this thinking I am a lunatic. However, you don't define me anyway... so I don't care. :)

Per'don Senior!

It was 7AM and I should've been up but was instead reaching out to hit snooze once again. Somehow I realized that it wasn't my alarm- actually it was a phone call. Surely no one who knew me at any level would risk that. Carolina, PR flashed on my cell phone screen and I ignorantly assumed that meant it was a PR number since I didn't recognize that state. :) Later tonight I remembered and decided to call the number to see who it was. A confused man with a fake sounding Spanish accent answered. Who is this? I half demanded, half laughed. The moment I heard him speak I thought it was some friends of mine who had pranked me a few years ago. They left me a couple months worth of voicemails that would send me into a tizzy of delight everytime (as my poor roommate can attest). The man kept saying "I no tell" in response to my question. That kinda creeped me out- not gonna lie. "Good job guys" I thought, "but this time I'm too smart." I looked up the number on whitepages.com and found to my amazement that I had just called PUERTO RICO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, Basilio Vasallo Mejias...per'don senior!

Part 1

Need. Want. Hope. Desire. WANT!
Need. Want. Hope. Desire. WANT!
raging...
shaking...
craving...
salivating...
agitating...
frustrating...
stirring...
alluring...
burning...
blurring....
passion in me with a fury.

Now growling and howling for MORE
Why didn't I kill this BEFORE?
guess I never believed it was really POSSIBLE
assumed it was part of being us
that lust would pester us
and the enemy would lie to us
until it finally got the best of us

Tormented in my brokenness
Finally acknowledging the cost of this
one choice
Every time I make this
one choice

I want to hold fast
but my body has put me on blast
not content with the replacements
refusing to hear the reasons
The lies of the enemy
echo and bellow silently
how easy it would be for me
if I would just give in, I'd be free?

so patiently it waits for me
so patiently
STILL it waits for me

IF I GIVE IN
it brings the LORD shame
and profanes His name
when I was created to bring Him alone fame
How can I do this thing?
How can I not?
How can I do this thing?
How can I not?

LORD, Why won't You
take this?
stop this?
block this?

Recollections

"Recollections" is the ringtone that is currently set as the alarm on my new phone. This may make me a whole new level of geeky-- but I am really excited about it. Here's the new phone number: 312-882-1111. It's still Verizon and I do have some texting. Which is pretty great since my new phone has a flip open keyboard. New level mastered! :)

Here are some other recollections from recent days (that all involve my health strangely):
Mental Health: Tuesday after work I called and left myself voicemails of things I forgot to do. You did read that correctly- I left multiple messages. I even said hello to myself and "ok, bye" at the end of the message. WOW! Friendly reminder....

Physical Health: I lost 2 more pounds at the Weight Watchers.... grand total of 27. Only 3 more till I get my award! :) I am so motivated by prizes! I was borrowing Dave and Joscey's van the other night and so I ventured out to Stanley's. I was making good choices- looking for deals when I came across these deformed tomatoes. I made fun of them (in my head) calling them cone head tomatoes, etc. Then I looked up to the sign and it read "Michigan Tomatoes." I bought one of the little rejects... loyal to Michigan. even if they do make strange shaped tomatoes. Also, I ate tofu for the first time. It was not that bad... it was sour cream tofu or something like that.

Emotional Health: It has been a tightrope walk this week. I have times when I feel full and alive; that somehow give way to playing the role of a victim/martyr. To be honest, I think that it has to do with the war raging inside my heart and mind right now. The things I learned at Legacy are being put to the test now. It feels harder to remember the truths about Jesus when the lust of the flesh is pulling all the old familiar tricks. It feels harder to stand strong when the enemy's lies sound so sweet with self pity and promise so much instant satisfaction.

Hip Hop Happy

Before starting this, I would like to take a minute to clarify that this post is written because of my love for the church and the diversity of the body of Christ. It is written in celebration of truth being communicated in many different ways so that we can all get it, hear it, live it. I'm not black, I cannot dance and I don't know much about hip hop; so in some ways I feel unqualified to write this. If I say something in this post that sounds insensitive to those who are black or do know how to dance or do know alot about hip hop; I would like to apologize for my ignorance and ask that you help me. Your feedback is welcomed.

I own one LaCrae CD- the one he sold me when he rapped at our church a few years ago. I like it- know most all the words- get in the mood to listen to it sometimes. That's about where my knowledge of hip hop ends. Last night there was a concert with LaCrae and Flame and Trip Lee. Admittedly, I went because I think those guys are cool; not because I knew all their songs and wanted to throw them up to the Lord together, definitely not because I wanted to mosh in the crowd that gathered in the front of Torrey-Grey. As I stood in the back of the auditorium watching the concert I felt a rush of emotions that was more than the result of a good beat.

The content of their music is truly impressive. It is the Word of God and how it applies to every day. It doesn't dress up the Christian life into some kind of water park lazy river but instead affirms that the white water rapids category 3 trip is worth it because of Who Jesus is.

The music itself has such a consistent cadence about it. You hear these loaded verses and then a chorus that simply sums it all up. The choruses are usually what gets stuck in my head, playing on a loop. The repetition of it helps to cement the truth until it becomes a kind of mantra. I need that so much sometimes... a mantra of truth to replace old thinking patterns. The words in these songs (communicated in such an easy to pick up way) are such a powerful discipleship tool that comes alongside what the church is already telling so many of their young people. How great is it that we were all walking out singing about not wanting to "waste our life, life life"... that so many people were reaffirming their commitment to evangelism shouting "go hard"... that some were offering their lives to Christ's service proclaiming "send me, I'll go." I don't know about you, but those are the kind of phrases I need to get stuck in my head more often.

Another thing that I love about hip hop music is how it moves you. It does motivate to action, but it's also real hard to not bob your head or bounce your shoulders when listening to it. Flashbacks from Bhangra class remind me that even though you are feeling the beat, it DOES NOT mean that your body is cooperating. I felt a little jealous last night that me trying to "get loose" would only look like the funniest youtube video today. Maybe I'm just not brave enough, but when I got home I let it go. :) I loved watching the crowd and even the guys on stage move as one- shoulders back, hands in the air. It seemed that somehow in their bodies moving together an important redefining work was happening. The "norm" that may usually be stuff that not so great was being transformed into something really good. Sending a message that following Jesus may mean that you are alienated from some, but you are not left without a group. To see these believers come together made me want to cheer.

It made me think about the kids who have been coming over here. They run together like a family and if one of them got serious about the Lord, who would be there for them? Who would be their family? Would the church step up? I think that's what made me so emotional yesterday when I saw the boys hanging out with the older guys. It wasn't that they saw a man that loved the Lord only, but that they saw a group of guys who are cool, getting each others back and loving Jesus together. That is a powerful message! Yeah for the church!

Sometimes I have no idea what words mean in hip hop music though. For example, could someone tell me what it means to "get krunk!"? Or how about "thizzard", "on chrome"? I do know what "hit a lick" means now thanks to the kids, but that was the other strong emotion last night provoked. I don't necessarily need to know what those words mean, since I don't talk like that. Unlike dancing, I never have a desire to use the vocab in the rap songs. However, I was really excited last night that people who did know what that meant were hearing truth in their "own language" so to speak. Maybe it's my interest in missions and contextualization of the Gospel, but from the style to the wording- the songs LaCrae and others are putting out communicate the truth to their audience without them needing to translate it. I think that's so incredibly beautiful and I long to see that happen in other people groups around the world and styles around the country and specific neighborhood cultures around this city! LaCrae, the 116 Clique, etc do this so well and I was praising God for giving us each a different story, vocabulary, race, culture and still be able to come together IN HIS NAME, FOR HIS GLORY. Amen!

A Roaster Pan Legacy

Last night at 9:30pm I had this sudden recollection that a whole bunch of people were coming to my house to eat dinner before the Legacy Conference evening session the next day. It's not that I had forgot they were coming- I just overlooked the fact that in order for them to eat something at my house I needed to go shopping and probably it would be a good idea to clean the apt. also. After buying every heavy item the grocery store could sell me- for serious I do not know how I always buy the heaviest items- I waited for the bus. A few minutes later I was flailing my arm in the air, aluminum roaster pan in hand. When I got in the taxi the man said- I have never been hailed by a roaster pan before. :) So glad I could be the first! I got back from Jewel around 10:15 and launched into a frenzy or chopping veggies, melting chocolate for puppy chow, cleaning my bathroom, etc. The puppy chow was a fiasco of epic proportions. I know I abused that word in the last post so you probably don't believe me, but if you never believe another word I say- believe this... fiasco! I had bought the aluminum roaster since I left my puppy chow making bowl with Alli. Surley I thought that would do the trick- it even came with a lid. Having a trial in the pan with a small amount of puppy chow would be far too sensible so I dumped in whole box of cereal- following by the chocolate mixture and then dumped a whole lotta powdered sugar on top. The nano-second I shook that pan, the sides buckled and powdered sugar went EVERYWHERE!hahhahaha. "And the princess learned to laugh at herself.." The largest container I had with a decent lid was a 2 qt. one, which took about 3 loads of the mixture to finish shaking it. Resourceful is my motto. I finished somewhere around 2am. At the risk of sounding so old... It was terrible. I am so tired tonight and thankful that tomorrow I can sleep in until 3pm if I want to. :) mmmmmmmm. so thankful.

A couple of the boys came over tonight right before my church was getting here for dinner so I invited them to stay. It was cool to see them interacting with the teenage boys. The boys thought that the teen guys were so cool and instantly wanted to be a part of what they were doing- playing spades and listening to music. I'll admit I was teary- It is so cool to see these guys from church being men and looking out for this little kids they don't even know. It was a touching moment and I pray that the Lord would raise up men in the lives of these boys. They so desperately need and want the attention and affirmation from a man.

We headed over to the Legacy conference after dinner and it was phenom. A girl did spoken word at the beginning and the questions penetrated to my core- "What more do I need to do to prove my love for you?" And then the beautiful repetition of "I have a word for you.... the Word for you... the LIVING Word for you." Thank You Jesus for being the Living Word! The speaker was good. I was convicted about the way I view Jesus. As Andrew Peterson puts it: with the "fear that His love is no better than mine." How truly sad to see revealed in my mind that I am even suspicious of Jesus. Wow! The lies that I believe truly go deep and I need the Lord to help me un-root this with His truth, His Living Word.

FroCo VS. Boy: the epic battle for my love

I don't even like the title of this post. It was so much funnier in my head and looking at it now all I can think is "LAME, Rachel." Unfortunately, I don't care enough in this moment to think of something better so the title stands and says essentially what I want it to.

It says that sometimes I like frozen cokes better than I like boys.

It says than some days I lavish my affections on a frozen carbonated beverage because there don't seem to be any boys that deserve it.

It says that right now I'm ticked off at boys and that I wish a frozen coke would make it better.

It says that I'm tired of getting my hopes up that boys will act respectfully and care about someone other than themselves and be considerate about my feelings. I'd rather take my chances on a slurpee being runny- at least that still tastes good.

It says that a drink "so chill" can't let you down enough to hurt you or disappoint you like boys can.

It says that must mean you love boys more than FroCo's and that's why you are in such a mood.

heeeeeeee-lll-ooooooooooooo!

So recently these kids have been coming over that Kaitlyn and Joe tutored this past year. At first they were just coming for a sandwich now and again but now they have been coming more often and staying longer. We talk and let them use the computer and play spoons and last night we made dinner and Heather tries to teach us all how to say "Heeeeeeeeeee-lll-oooooooo!" :)

It was so so so so fun! They really took ownership of the whole project and made everything from the garlic bread to the lasagna to the cakes. It was harder for me than I thought it would be to let them do things instead of just "showing" them. They wanted to surprise Joe with the meal they had made and it was really cute to see how proud they were of the whole meal- they even folded the napkins special!

Tonight I was walking up to the soccer field by Moody to talk to Dave and Joscey for a little bit. I ran into the girls and they came to hang out with me. We had to leave after they were yelling names like "ugly" at the Peruvian National Soccer team coaches. (OK, girls... and you're done!) :) After grabbing some pizza and hot wings at Domino's we came back to the apartment to eat and play spoons. I asked the girls some questions hoping to dig deeper and get to know them better- like their proudest moment and their saddest moment and their most embarrassing moment. (OK, so maybe the last one was my lame excuse to share my own most embarrassing moment: Pooping my culottes at age 12 at a family reunion. As if the Raggedy Ann culottes were not enough!) Their honesty with me was an honor. We talked about death and if we feared it or not and why. One of the girls brought up a Bible lesson about all the things in Heaven and how she wanted to go there. I'm praying for opportunities to talk about this with the girls again. I'm sure they have heard the Gospel before, but it'd be great to keep bringing up truth with them.

I'm actually really excited about how this whole thing has come about. Since graduating I feel like it has been whirlwind to just settle down and get a bearing on my life and a routine. There have been hard times like when Grandpa died that left me weak and exhausted. Now I finally feel in a strong place by the grace of God. I have wanted to be involved in the community and yet the downtown area seem so daunting. I didn't want to go into a community like Cabrini having no connections and try to 'help'- Who am I? The Lord sending these kids over here for food and time has been an answer to prayer. It's cool to have built these relationships with the kids, even in a couple weeks that can continue to grow as they do.

Most of the "ministry" that I have done has been highly structured. CEF 5 Day clubs especially. I love CEF- they taught me how to make theology simple for kids, taught me the basics of how to share the Gospel. Now though, with that foundation I am learning to use it in a new way. An informal way. That is so much harder for some reason. When kids come to a 5 Day Club, they expect you to direct games and tell stories and sing songs and it's very natural to share about Jesus in that situation. It's a little more tricky when the kids (with hot sauce dripping from their fingers) are giving you "relationship advice" and also telling you about their brother who was killed. How do you LINK (For all those not in CEF: Little phrase In the lesson Naturally connecting Kids and truth) into a gospel truth in those moments? I'm not saying it's not possible, but surely it is. I'm just saying, I am learning how and consequently really abrupt at it. In fact, I really think if I could watch the whole thing on video I would laugh at my attempts to relate with them and smoothly bring up Jesus. How thankful I am that God is faithful and uses my stumbling attempts to communicate with these kids how awesome He is.

The past few days I have been feeling haunted by familiar sins and struggles. I have been weak and tired. It's strange what can happen to your logic when you are in any kind of pain. Somehow the right things don't seem nearly as realistic as the easy things. I've been running to "safe" lies; telling myself that even though they may not turn out so good, at least they don't surprise me. Tonight as I was hanging out with these girls I felt like the Lord was shouting "heeeeeeeeee-llll-ooooooooooo!" If I believe He is big enough and true enough and loving enough for these girls, why would I act otherwise in my own life? Why would I want to pollute my life with things I don't want to see in theirs? There was a weight of realizing how fragile my role in their life can be. If I want them to see Jesus, why would I let all this other stuff crowd in the way?

Heeeeeeeee-lllllllll-oooooooooooooo!