Three steps forward, Two steps back

I wish that the title of this blog had something to do with me learning the cha-cha slide, but really it has to do with how victoriously broken I am. (Whatever that means!)

3 steps forward
Recently, in life I have been experiencing a kind of pleasure that took me awhile to figure out. A pleasure in doing things that matter, in saying no to sin, in running to the Lord with questions, finding my place in this world. Though still in progress, I am making significant headway in just "being."

Yesterday I ran 2 miles...18 times around the track...without stopping! It may have been very slow and at times not very graceful, but it got done! I don't think I have been able to say that since 2000 when Keith Keitz was breathing down my neck in soccer practice. Kaits and I signed up for a 5K that is in 2 weeks and I was nervous that I would have some kind of 4 hour time and the race staff come out looking for me and find me running along side the road in the dark talking crazy to myself and foaming at the mouth. (The foaming at the mouth makes it much more believable don't you think?) hahahaha. Anyway, the fact that I could run 2 miles did alot for my morale and I was feeling pumped about the accomplishment. I went to Weight Watchers and bought some healthy groceries and spent my night quietly reading Chaim Potok. I even lit candles!

2 steps back
Not exactly sure what happened to my mental balance except that it tilted....severely tilted right before bed. I got jealous over something insignificant and instead of sleeping sweetly.... my blood pressure got high enough I finally passed out in sleep. Today I spent most of my mental energy thinking about a boy I used to love, whose mass email list I somehow ended up on again. I then spent half of my lunch break forwarding it to friends and family until I came to.
LAME! PATHETIC! ANGRY! LONELY! ANNOYED! DISAPPOINTED! WEARY! These are the sum total of my current emotions. In the shadow of so many healthy choices, how can there possibly be such a wake of chaos and "confusion"?

These are the kind of moments and days that I nurse the beast that bays for my blood as Andrew Peterson sings. "If I was someone else, if I could run better, if I was more beautiful, if I was more positive, if ___fill in the blank with the most derogatory statement____, etc." the beast whispers to me, "then I could have the comfort and the affection that I crave. Then I would feel safe and secure and wouldn't need my jealousy to protect me. Wouldn't I like that?"
There's a part of me that can only manage to whimper yes.....
Even as I am typing though, I can feel a Joan of Ark-esque spirit rising up in another part of me. Rising up to remind me that the beast isn't telling me the whole story. There is no need to compare myself... no need at all when you can run 2 miles and make crowns like me! :)