Someday I'll be... part of that world...

At some point I really may run out of blog titles because they all seem to be classic song titles. Oh well, I really cannot help it if the jukebox tune in my head seems to be able to crystallize the moment perfectly.

This one started playing after a friend called to say that she was quasi dating the man of her dreams. Total unnecessary dramatic (even theatrical) response, I know! I was and continue to be so incredibly happy for her.... however (100 points to those of you who saw that coming from a mile away) the timing was... shall we say... LESS than ideal.

That morning I had left home and returned on the Amtrak to Chicago. Despite the fact that my routine and my job and my stuff is all here... it is more and more difficult for me to leave that wonderful field in Michigan where I grew up. I came home to an empty apartment... a small empty apartment... and I was sad. Sad that no puppy dogs were excitedly jumping on me, licking my face and sniffing my butt. Sad that my sister was not turning around from the kitchen sink in her apron. Sad that an episode of Monk was not heard as the door opened. Sad that there was no hug or kiss hello. And then all that sadness overwhelmed me and suddenly I had convinced myself that I would never have any of those things. Convinced that I would always live in this apartment. Convinced that I would work at Moody forever. Convinced that I would never be disciplined enough to save money ( I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but I thought it). Convinced that I would always have a roommate instead of a husband. Convinced that I would never have children. Convinced that I was a loser! Seriously, even reading that back I get depressed. That's just how quickly the mind (hopefully not just my mind) can spiral out of control though.... and then before you know it you are recounting your failures and weakness looking to blame something for what you don't have, simultaneously blowing your nose and pulling out a spoon to take a stab at Ben and Jerry('s). *Ring! Ring!* (Actually, right now my cell phone sounds more like a Mexican Fiesta) So, like I said before... not exactly IDEAL timing.

Hanging up the phone and humming this tune to myself was pretty easy. I tried to be spiritual by turning it into a prayer... "Lord, when will I be... part of that world... when's it my turn?" but honestly that was as much of a disaster as the Mr. Roger's Opera "Bubbleland." It's not that I am unsatisfied with my present circumstances. I actually love my small apartment very much and working at Moody and having a roommate and not saving money. :) It can feel scary though sometimes- like maybe it's not just a season...maybe it's forever. Some kind of heavenly version of a promissory note would be great, a divine IOU.

I (God) owe you (Rachel Elizabeth Monfette) a husband by 2012. Problem solved right? It would be if this had ANYTHING to do with truth or reality... but it doesn't... just a fantasy of mine where I am in control of everything and I get everything I want. Just a really small view of God- one that I can order around and predict His next move. Just the most ungrateful attitude that I could approach God with after He is so incredibly good to me eternally!

Another set of lyrics jump to mind... LeCrae, Don't Wanna Waste My Life. (I realize it's a big jump from cartoon mermaid wearing a shell bra to urban rapper extraordinaire wearing a pair of Nike hightops, but stick with me here.)
See your money, your singleness, marriage, talent, your time/
They’ve been loaned you to show the world that Christ is divine
Maybe it's not the revolutionary thing you thought I oughtta say next, but it has revolutionary ramifications if we truly believe the simple truth packed in those lyrics. When I sing this song I actually sing it a little bit differently (what can I say? I am my father's daughter! We are still arguing over whether it is Cry. Cry, cry cry 96 years or 96 tears...). What I usually sing is
See your money, your singleness, marriage, talent, your time/
They belong to you to show the world that Christ is alive
What if I really believed that my singleness, my empty apartment was on purpose? And not just to keep Ben and Jerry's afloat in the current economy either; but for a purpose as big as showing the world WHO CHRIST IS! That's pretty amazing.

I'm not saying that there's no place for tears when you are in an empty apartment feeling lonely- I would be shooting myself in every vital organ I have if I said that. I'm just saying that God made me a "mermaid" on purpose and I will not go consorting with "Ursula" to try and change that. For one, she is WAY too scary for me to handle! And two, I think she is married to Ben (or Jerry) and I am pretty sure there is some sort of conspiracy going on. The Scare and Spoon feed tactic... OK, I'm done. hahahhaha. so done. but I think you get the point.