Who Am I?

The title of this post reminds me of Zoolander and makes me laugh... I wish that this weekend's identity crisis was as funny as that... and that I was as "ridiculously good-looking." :)

Not sure what brought this on, but I have been struggling with who I am and where I fit. hahaha. Reading that statement back makes me laugh because it sounds like it is such a unique struggle. Anyway, I guess being human brought that on.

I'm not the kinda girl that tends to put much stock in style or fashion or cars or money or fame or any of that materialistic stuff. Which makes me sound like a super amazingly spiritual person.... BUT I am realizing that instead too much of my identity is wrapped up in relationships to people. Which honestly explains so much about why I cannot handle when people are upset with me or feel shaken when I haven't connected with a certain person in awhile and why I frequently ask people if they are mad at me even if I have no earthly reason as to why they would be. If you thought that your identity was in jeopardy, you would freak out too.

Today was a sad one for me. Yesterday was 9 months since my Grandpa passed away and I did everything I could to avoid thinking about it... even walked 11 miles. This morning I watched Evita (one of those movies I was never allowed to watch that I finally wanted to see; only to say I saw it like the rest of the world) and it was sad. As the credits rolled, tears started to fill my eyes.... it really captured how death steals those we love away from us before we want and that made me think of my Grandpa and before I knew it the Kleenex box beside me was empty. I called my Mom after I pulled myself together and instantly she said- "What's wrong? It sounds like you've been crying." And again I lost it- this time blowing through a roll of toilet paper. I was still sad but also, there was something so wonderful about being known like that...something I am so far away from...something that I long for intensely.

It's not that I expect anyone to love me like my Momma- I know she has a particularly sweet love for me since she spent 24 hours in labor with me. Thanks Mom! It's just that no matter how good of a friend I have here- at any moment they could move out of my life... They could decide it would be easier to hang out with someone else, or move away or be really busy or start a relationship/get married or any number of other things. And I get it- I am the same way in other people's lives. We have no commitment to eachother necessarily, there's no vow we've taken. That leaves me feeling very unstable and I hate it. It is my deepest fear to be left alone.... to not be picked.... to be unwanted and unloved and unneeded and this instability leaves me vulnerable to that. This sends me into a panic for a solution.

It seems that authority should bring the kind of stucture that I am missing in my life. It links you irreversibly to someone else. Who is my authority though.... My parents, myself, my church, Moody, my friends? It seems ideal that whoever my authority is, I could depend on for my identity. If my parents, then I can forever remain Marianne and Leo's daughter. If I were married to Denzel Wahington, I could forever be Denzel's wife. And while we could say that these things are true (hypothetically), it doesn't necessary define me. No one in Chicago knows my parents and can know me without even meeting them. Also, as much I love Denzel... I would hate to be his wife only. I am far too opinionated for that. And Denzel is getting old anyway...what if we never get the chance to meet and get married for real? :) So that is not a profitable way to determine my significance, however I would like to solve this authority delimma sometime. (Maybe I am the only one, but it is something that I think about alot.... Like maybe we Western people are freedom crazy and it would be better to have a clear, firm authority structure. Would boundaries really be so oppressive?)

Another way I measure my worth is the role that I play- I am used to being the fat one, the funny one, the mothering one, the know it all, etc. Honestly, those are not good measures... what happens when I am not feeling funny? When mother cannot find a solution? When I don't know it all? Pressure and stress and disappointment in myself. That's what happens. Losing weight in the past 7 months has made this struggle evident- I still am significantly overweight, but the higher the number of pounds lost goes the more it threatens "who I am." What if I no longer have that to hide behind and find that there's no other place for me to fit in? At least I know that I can be "the fat one." And wouldn't that be better than "the forgotten one" anyway?

Bottom line: Whether it is intentional, like choosing to spend time with someone else or unintentional, like dying; there are no guarentees that anyone will be with me beyond this moment.

Today I was listening to LeCrae's song "Identity" and was convicted that "identity is found in the God we trust, any other identity will self destruct."

That is a harsh reality check for me. Harsh for two reasons: 1. I know that I am not living that way fully right now and therefore require change. 2. It is not nearly as instantly gratifying to trust in the unseen.


2nd Bottom Line: This post solved nothing and that is annoying! However, I feel a little better that it's out of my head. However, I also feel insecure that you may be reading this thinking I am a lunatic. However, you don't define me anyway... so I don't care. :)