Nature! The great outdoors! What a gift! I was gone for Church Retreat this weekend. I can be such a fuddy duddy sometimes. Before I leave for a trip it is with much apprehension. I gotta pack a bag and sleep someplace new and blah, blah, blah. It always seems like such a hassle until I get to the destination and then I'm good, so glad I went, blah, blah, blah. :)
This weekend despite my apprehension I sucked it up, packed my bag and went on Church Retreat. It was such a blast! Saturday night we played the Amazing Race. My team had the worst cheer... well, we liked it but the judges sure didn't. In the end though we emerged victorious!!! I have always wanted to be on the Amazing Race so that was a dream come true to win. The only sad part was that Phil wasn't there at the end to tell us we were the first team to arrive and "as the winner's of this leg of the race we had won a trip from Travelocity to" someplace exotic. :) We also had a crazy fun campfire where the director came to make us popcorn from this big black kettle over the fire. We sang worship songs for awhile and some of the teens were dancing. It was such a refreshing time! There is just something about going to bed smelling like campfire, something about washing my hair with bar soap all weekend, something about staying up so late playing Spades, something about being constantly barefoot that really does it for me! :)
Dave shared his heart for us to fall in love with Jesus as individuals and as a church. We discussed as a body what that means and doesn't mean. After each session there was a time for us to be alone and spend time in the word. It felt like I was at Jr. high camp- you know, that one time I didn't do CEF in the summer. Even at CEF camp though, we would have scheduled time to be alone with Jesus. Usually I found myself annoyed that someone was telling me when to do that or balking at the idea of being forced to do what everyone else was doing. Man, I was a brat! hahaha. This weekend though I was so grateful and really viewed it as a gift. Hooray for growing up! I even found myself loving the idea that we were all simultaneously in the LORD's presence.
As I sat on the steps of the back porch of the lodge, similar moments started to drift back to me. Moments with my Bible and Journal spending time with Jesus out in nature. Moments at Jr. high camp when I was freaking out over whether I was saved or not because I didn't know if I "meant my prayer enough." Moments at CEF Camp when I thought I would be too consumed with fear to do anything. Moments at RA retreat when I thought I would die if I couldn't be with this one man. There were more, but you get the idea. I have truly, known the Lord's faithfulness to me. I have stories upon stories of school bills being paid and children being saved and fears being conquered and idols being smashed and protection being granted and healing experienced, etc. I love these stories and yet this weekend I felt the Lord nudging me that there was more to Him than His faithfulness. No doubt a fave, but still there is more. There is His holiness. OUCH! Yeah- the implications of that truth ... not so fave! Do I really fear God as I should? I don't think so. So often I think about God the way I do about Baloo from The Jungle book. He's a big bear I should be afraid of at first glace, but then you get to know him and so you're not because you know He's a big softie. Oftentimes, it seems I think that because I am God's child and have His favor through the blood of Christ Jesus, I don't know to recognize His power except to help me, to rescue me, to protect me, to make my life path clear to me.... How incredibly dense to think that God's power is for my convenience alone! This is still in process... any of your thoughts on the topic would be welcome.
This morning I woke up with "Butterfly Kisses" playing in my head. ICK! Pretty sure the only thing that could possibly make 7am worse is if Bob Carsile is singing a sappy song to you. Wonder what I was dreaming about.... Hm. I thought that was a sign that today was gonna be rough, but as it turns out- it's been fine.
I have felt a bit nauseous all day though. In just a few minutes I am going to meet some friends at Fleet Feet. It's a store I have walked by many times and yet never (like never ever ever ever ever ever ever times infinity) planned to darken the doorstep. It's an athlete's store. One where you can buy things for running specifically. I don't belong in a store like that! I have been panicking thinking of me walking in and everyone somehow "knowing" that I am a fake, an impostor, a spy. What they would do to me if I was to be discovered ... I don't know! But the thought of being exposed for what I "really am" is enough to scare me. Every lie I've ever believed about my weight and how that affects my identity has resurfaced today. Every shirt I tried on this morning seemed to cling to me in the wrong places. It will be OK. I am not going there with the intention of becoming Jackie Joyner Kersee or anything crazy like that. I just want to be more active and that's hard to do in flip flops.... I want to invest in something so I have no excuses about following through with what I should be doing.
I'll let you know how it goes...
No comments:
Post a Comment