Everyone loves a good underdog story.... Cinderella, Rocky, Little Giants. It seems like in all of those there is an obstacle that needs to be overcome that will require them to train like crazy and give 101% of themselves to the task at hand. Just when they are about to start all this intense training- a song comes on.... an song that is inspiring enough to give you hope that you too could rise to the same challenge; if you wanted to get off the sofa and put down your bag of popcorn of course. Most of the time I am too enamored by the epic-ness of it all to care if that's really how it works in real life. I love the tragically beautiful and the bittersweetness of life's twists and turns and the glory that can only be accomplished in the end through trials and pain. It all has become romanticized in my head because I realize the pain is necessary but would rather skip over it as quick as possible. Sadly I've bought into this underdog movie thinking that when I hit obstacles in my life the perfect song will play and in 90-120 seconds I will reap the rewards of "all" of that tireless labor.
When I was little, I used to run these little skits in my room... one of my favorites at the end of grade school was me captured and thrown in jail for being a Christian in Tibet. I would sit on my knees with my hands invisibly tied behind my back and say the most noble things about Jesus. The "guard" was so convicted at seeing my faith in spite of my circumstances that he became a Christian, fell in love with me and helped me escape to the mountains where we lived happily ever after. (Applause, Applause) Now, I'm not saying that's bad- my frame of mind was truly that God could do that and if I should find myself in that situation He would for His glory and it would be a bonus that the guard would look just like Alex Braden.
When I was a teenager, Martin and Gracia Burnham were captured. I prayed in faith so hard that they would be released, followed the story via the news and waited. In my head the theme music was playing and soon we would all be able to celebrate and look back on how tough things had been but now that they were over we would be able to say that it was worth it all. And then there was the news report that Gracia had been rescued but Martin had been fatally shot. I sobbed when I heard that...
In real life, no theme music plays. We don't get to rush through pain and grief and struggles just because we know that someday all will be made right. We actually have to climb that mountain, experience that hunger, cry those tears, run that extra mile, etc. And tonight I tasted that a bit and I can tell you (though you probably have already guessed) that IT SUCKS! It sucks that my grandma misses my grandpa so much she doesn't know what to do without him! It sucks that we all miss him so much and have so many things to tell him, but we can't! It sucks that my Mom's body is totally abused from the work that she does, but she can't quit because we need to pay the bills! It sucks that my Dad has so many skills and can't find a permanent job! It sucks that we don't have financial security- because it doesn't exist at all! It sucks that a man from my church spent the day after his wife died all alone. It sucks that I cannot make any of this better. It sucks that I am so far away from my family and that I feel guilty that my life is relatively smooth right now. I wish I could let my Mom take my job that pays alot more money and doesn't require you to break your back. I wish she could enjoy the time alone that I schedule into my calendar instead of having to rush around. I wish my Dad could have as great a boss as me. I wish I could give my grandma the million distractions that I have in this city. But I can't do any of that.
The heaviness of that kind of absence of theme music is weighing on me tonight. Don't get me wrong, I am not questioning my faith or anything. Just like I posted a few days ago- God has shown Himself to be more than faithful, He has only proved Himself to me again and again and again and so I would be a fool to think He would not continue to do the same. I still am totally enamored with the idea that such pain can bring about deep beauty; that such agony gives birth to incomparable richness; that this light affliction for a moment works us a far more exceeding weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4). Like the death of Ronnie Bowers and how God used it to spark a modern missionary revival or how the death of Jim Elliot and company with the continued witness of the Gospel to the Auca tribe and how God used that to be such a powerful picture of forgiveness. So don't hear me wrong- I believe all of that fiercely- if I didn't I think I would've quit already. In fact, I am even more drawn to God- even more grateful for His promises in these moments I not only know, but am experiencing that He's got me. I am just overwhelmingly aware of my need for perseverance and to accept the process that it is to grow.
Maybe this seems depressing, but I don't think so. I am believing that even though it is crushing my heart tonight, my God is big enough to handle this much pain and loneliness and misunderstanding and anger and confusion and impatience and sadness.
In that, I hope... In Him, I hope.
This reminds me of a few devotionals I have read. If you can, find a copy of the book Streams in the Desert and Springs in the Valley by Chas E Cowman. I have found 3 sets on ebay. One for myself, one for my mom and one for my aunt. I also bought the second one (Springs) for my pastor's wife who told me about Streams. They are daily devotionals and oh so powerful, they seem to speak to you when you need it most. In fact I posted one of them on my blogspot a few days after my grandfather passed away. You can get the newer version of the book, but I like the antiqueness of the original, in fact my books are from 1939 and 1950. Its good to see that your faith is still so strong. I know that God has greatly increased my faith since being here and even moreso this past year. When I need Him most, He is always there as the Ultimate Comforter.
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