Tears in Heaven

Those who know me could classify me as a 90's music junkie... and as I was trying to think of a clever, yet not overdone title for tonight's blog; this song kept racing through my mind.
The title seemed appropriate because I've been crying alot this week- not always because I am sad- in fact mostly for just the opposite reason. Hilarity has not necessarily been the source of my tears, though today I laughed so hard I almost cried when my boss and I were inventing reasons Michael's Restaurant may have had their license revoked. I've been crying alot in the last week because I have been -as most Baptists would put it- touched. (If a picture of Della Reese and Roma Downey walking down a road with a dove hovering nearby just popped into your head- know that you are not alone...)

Seriously though, I feel like I imagine it would feel after your first dance recital- you put in tons of effort and experimenting to perfect the steps, you pay close attention to the smallest details and then you're on.... time to show a watching audience what all that practice has accomplished.

In the past 4 years my family has seen some rough times- mostly financial after my Dad's job of over 25 years was eliminated. That kind of world rocking unearthed more than its share of hidden emotional baggage in the process. How can I take care of my school bill with the limited resources that I have? Who is going to take care of me?I cannot express how many times my school bill was due and the Lord would come through. I could never necessarily predict how God was going to provide, and yet I came to trust that He is my Provider.

As a graduate of Moody Bible Institute I can remember many late nights trying to write a paper, but a crisis of faith driving me to my journal instead. Who is God and is He good? Does he really love me? Who am I and what is my purpose? How can I be sure of any of my rehearsed answers? On my futon by the orange glow of my hanging lamp and in the shadow of the John Hancock out my window, somehow mysteriously the Lord grew my confidence in his supremacy. By finding myself at the end of my logic and wit and organizational skills over and over again, I came to say with Peter, "Lord, to who else would we go? You have the words of eternal life."

Themes of pain and sacrifice, hope and courage, eternal perspective and raw brokenness seemed to surface in my mind and heart continually. I hated being that girl always tormented by something. Appreciating the beauty in the most tragic situations, I thought it was just my personality. I am convinced this week more than ever that these experiences and many more have been planned out my the One who breathed life into me body and soul. That these lessons have not been a randomly selected list of ways my life could shape up, but that instead they have been orchestrated to produce the most profound reflection of Jesus. The way He has turned my world upside down could not be mistaken for any kind of driven-ness or discipline of my own- it is all from Him.

Right before my grandpa died a couple months ago I told the Lord, "I cannot do this unless I know you are with me." Unless I knew that His hand would uphold me and that His strength would be available and that His grace would be sufficient and that His arm would be reality- I couldn't walk through such a dark time. But every paid school bill and every flip through my journal gave me confidence that God is Who He said He is and He will do what He has promised.

I've cried all this week like a baby because every speaker at Moody Founder's Week seems to know that He has done for me what He promised. They have reminded me that when I needed rest-He has taken care of that. When I have needed courage- He has handled that too. When I have felt entitled to more than what I have- He has driven me to deeper truth and satisfied me at new wells.

This is the real thing... I'm on life's stage dancing my heart out and yet it is only on God that the spotlight need fall. This is what He has accomplished- this is the work that He has done- these are the details He has arranged- this is Who He is... my life is just one slightly uncoordinated weepy proof of all of that.


Other things of note about today:
* Phil Vischer- creator of Veggie Tales stood outside my office
* I had Mac and Cheese for dinner made for me by my good neighbor Adam
* My right sock sprung a hole in the big toe :(