Numb Hope

Pretty much what I am thinking is encapsulated in that title. I feel fussy and want you to just know what that means, but I guess that's asking too much.

You know that feeling when you wanna listen to Alanis Morisette and Meredith Brooks back to back? That feeling when you wanna eat until you throw up (not because you need to eat, just because you want to feel something)? That feeling of dropping mac and cheese on your "shelf" at lunch, having a 9 year old point it out to you and walking around the mall hoping no one will notice? That feeling of buying a bathing suit only to get it home and wonder if your grandma may have bought the same one (in a smaller size though of course?)That feeling of knowing you have so many things to be thankful for and still feeling pitiful anyway which only makes you feel guilty? That feeling of knowing how many people would love to have your "problems" which makes you feel even more guilty? That feeling of staring at the flowers you bought yourself with pride at being an independent woman who doesn't need a man to buy flowers for her knowing they did not do the trick? That feeling of being the only unmarried lady at church today and totally unrelateable? That feeling of having watched a lousy movie this evening instead of doing something more worthwhile like 9th grade algebra homework? That feeling of realizing how you are exposing yourself on your blog and wanting to delete it, but hating all the thought you have put into it already so you probably won't? Yeah, all of the above are me right now.

I know there is hope. just not feeling so much of it right now. I know that I am loved. just not feeling so much of that right now either. Instead. feeling like a "big fat rat... GLORIA!" (James Garner from The Thrill of it All) So glad that I get to start over in the morning. May it arrive soon!