Been feeling like I'm striking alot of poses lately... which is a cutesy way of saying that I feel like a POSER! :) Particularly in regards to my new fixation on exercise.
POSE #1. THE GYM.
Tuesday morning, I went to Women's Workout World (I know you're jealous) for a Pi-Yo class with Alli. When I say " morning"- what I really mean to say is the middle of the night... when everyone should be sleeping! Just saying... 5:45am makes for a BRISK walk. (Free info about this morning: I walked because the CTA hates me and figured it would be quicker. Turns out that Monroe is much deeper into the Loop than I thought. hahaha. At every street I approached, I would pray "please let this be Monroe", but apparently God was not into restructuring the city of Chicago so I could be on time to Pi-Yo. apparently.) The class was good. Hopefully everyone was oblivious to the fact that I was nervously dropping things trying to hang up my coat in the locker room, and that I was wearing holey socks, and that I had unshaven legs and that I fell when trying to do a girly push-up.... hopefully because I will be seeing alot more of these women since I walked out a member of Women's Workout World! W3 if you will.
POSE #2. RUNNING IN THE CITY.
Yesterday I went out for a run feeling gloomy. After 2 blocks, I was ready to turn tail and run right back to my sofa. "C'mon girl! Work it off! Work it off!" was suddenly being shouted down the block at me by a man who was homeless. He was relentlessly encouraging- to the point I waved and thanked him from the corner of the next block. As I approached the entrance to Navy Pier, I was feeling considerably stronger. A group of hoodlums passed me and commented on my thighs jiggling. awesome. thank you. so impressed by your swagger and big talk. blah! And that's why you're hoodlums. Well, they may have thought it was funny, but these thighs jiggled a whole 2.8 miles without stopping! Boom Baby! I ran from Ohio Street to Oak Street beach on the lakefront and got to round that sweet corner I have always wanted to. That felt good- like sweet victory... proving to myself, my homeless cheer team and the hoodlums that I could do more than we all thought at the beginning of that run. However, at the end of this sweet success I smelled terrible... my pony tail was dripping with sweat... and I realized I had worn a very unsafe outfit completely of navy blue(sorry Mom! But I did put my ID in my bra in case I died. haha. for reals.)... Not exactly a cover girl for Runner's World you know?
POSE #3. MY WHOLE LIFE.
I'm pretty much an open book with my life... hence the hysteria that is sometimes captured in these posts. There are days though that I feel like I am posing in my whole life. Secretly, (OK, not so secretly) I am a basket case of emotions and yet instead of that I pose as so many other things. Mostly as someone that is OK with seeing her flaws, that is unaffected by the comments of hoodlums, that has so much grace for the parts of herself that remain unraveled, that is not annoyed by the hair on her chin she forgot to pluck all week....
I guess that doesn't make me a poser, just human. I'm not pretending to be those things; I am learning to be those things...with the exception of my chin hair. That has got to go as soon as I get off work! So go ahead and let your body move to the music! It's fun... VOGUE!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Lil Help Please....
I have "Dance Extravaganza" on my outlook calender for next Thursday (October 5th).
Anyone know what this is or where??
I really wouldn't want to miss a dance extravaganza, but I literally have the memory of Dori the fish from Finding Nemo. :)
If anyone knows or would like to go with... let me know!
Anyone know what this is or where??
I really wouldn't want to miss a dance extravaganza, but I literally have the memory of Dori the fish from Finding Nemo. :)
If anyone knows or would like to go with... let me know!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Three steps forward, Two steps back
I wish that the title of this blog had something to do with me learning the cha-cha slide, but really it has to do with how victoriously broken I am. (Whatever that means!)
3 steps forward
Recently, in life I have been experiencing a kind of pleasure that took me awhile to figure out. A pleasure in doing things that matter, in saying no to sin, in running to the Lord with questions, finding my place in this world. Though still in progress, I am making significant headway in just "being."
Yesterday I ran 2 miles...18 times around the track...without stopping! It may have been very slow and at times not very graceful, but it got done! I don't think I have been able to say that since 2000 when Keith Keitz was breathing down my neck in soccer practice. Kaits and I signed up for a 5K that is in 2 weeks and I was nervous that I would have some kind of 4 hour time and the race staff come out looking for me and find me running along side the road in the dark talking crazy to myself and foaming at the mouth. (The foaming at the mouth makes it much more believable don't you think?) hahahaha. Anyway, the fact that I could run 2 miles did alot for my morale and I was feeling pumped about the accomplishment. I went to Weight Watchers and bought some healthy groceries and spent my night quietly reading Chaim Potok. I even lit candles!
2 steps back
Not exactly sure what happened to my mental balance except that it tilted....severely tilted right before bed. I got jealous over something insignificant and instead of sleeping sweetly.... my blood pressure got high enough I finally passed out in sleep. Today I spent most of my mental energy thinking about a boy I used to love, whose mass email list I somehow ended up on again. I then spent half of my lunch break forwarding it to friends and family until I came to.
LAME! PATHETIC! ANGRY! LONELY! ANNOYED! DISAPPOINTED! WEARY! These are the sum total of my current emotions. In the shadow of so many healthy choices, how can there possibly be such a wake of chaos and "confusion"?
These are the kind of moments and days that I nurse the beast that bays for my blood as Andrew Peterson sings. "If I was someone else, if I could run better, if I was more beautiful, if I was more positive, if ___fill in the blank with the most derogatory statement____, etc." the beast whispers to me, "then I could have the comfort and the affection that I crave. Then I would feel safe and secure and wouldn't need my jealousy to protect me. Wouldn't I like that?"
There's a part of me that can only manage to whimper yes.....
Even as I am typing though, I can feel a Joan of Ark-esque spirit rising up in another part of me. Rising up to remind me that the beast isn't telling me the whole story. There is no need to compare myself... no need at all when you can run 2 miles and make crowns like me! :)
3 steps forward
Recently, in life I have been experiencing a kind of pleasure that took me awhile to figure out. A pleasure in doing things that matter, in saying no to sin, in running to the Lord with questions, finding my place in this world. Though still in progress, I am making significant headway in just "being."
Yesterday I ran 2 miles...18 times around the track...without stopping! It may have been very slow and at times not very graceful, but it got done! I don't think I have been able to say that since 2000 when Keith Keitz was breathing down my neck in soccer practice. Kaits and I signed up for a 5K that is in 2 weeks and I was nervous that I would have some kind of 4 hour time and the race staff come out looking for me and find me running along side the road in the dark talking crazy to myself and foaming at the mouth. (The foaming at the mouth makes it much more believable don't you think?) hahahaha. Anyway, the fact that I could run 2 miles did alot for my morale and I was feeling pumped about the accomplishment. I went to Weight Watchers and bought some healthy groceries and spent my night quietly reading Chaim Potok. I even lit candles!
2 steps back
Not exactly sure what happened to my mental balance except that it tilted....severely tilted right before bed. I got jealous over something insignificant and instead of sleeping sweetly.... my blood pressure got high enough I finally passed out in sleep. Today I spent most of my mental energy thinking about a boy I used to love, whose mass email list I somehow ended up on again. I then spent half of my lunch break forwarding it to friends and family until I came to.
LAME! PATHETIC! ANGRY! LONELY! ANNOYED! DISAPPOINTED! WEARY! These are the sum total of my current emotions. In the shadow of so many healthy choices, how can there possibly be such a wake of chaos and "confusion"?
These are the kind of moments and days that I nurse the beast that bays for my blood as Andrew Peterson sings. "If I was someone else, if I could run better, if I was more beautiful, if I was more positive, if ___fill in the blank with the most derogatory statement____, etc." the beast whispers to me, "then I could have the comfort and the affection that I crave. Then I would feel safe and secure and wouldn't need my jealousy to protect me. Wouldn't I like that?"
There's a part of me that can only manage to whimper yes.....
Even as I am typing though, I can feel a Joan of Ark-esque spirit rising up in another part of me. Rising up to remind me that the beast isn't telling me the whole story. There is no need to compare myself... no need at all when you can run 2 miles and make crowns like me! :)
Monday, October 19, 2009
Here I am at Camp Granada....
Here's a list of places I would rather be right now:
(not in a snotty, "I hate my life" kinda way; just in an "I'm bored and these times and places are so great" kinda way)
1. NOVA SCOTIA. Specifically, here. It will be so great to someday experience the coast there and be awed by God's creation. There is so much "scope for the imagination" in that place. And YES! I am shameless quoting from Anne of Green Gables. Maybe I think if i go there, some of her spunk will rub off on me. haha. As if I need more spunk!
2. PARK BENCH. With a soft blanket and my latest Chaim Potok novel, The Promise. If you have never read anything by him, you need to. His characters are such a treat to struggle through things with. Tragically beautiful!
3. TASTEE FREEZE. No significant reason. I just love ice cream. Chocolate dipped in chocolate. mmmm!
4. 15 PASSENGER VAN. The Kimberley Family had this rocking 15 passenger van that we took on a road trip to DC one Summer. (Maybe it was for a HSLDA homeschool rally) It was maroon with a silver stripe down the middle, Ford of course. A rare beauty! In between hearing speeches and lobbying at the Capitol, we accidentally drove down one way streets and parked illegally. It was such a fun time driving back too- making up motions to country songs. "I had a BBQ stain on my white T-shirt... she was killing me in that mini-skirt.." good times.
5. SOCCER PRACTICE. When I was 11 or 12 our soccer coach couldn't make it to a practice and so we combined with an older team. I was super nervous and wanted to get out of there PRONTO. I was not the best runner, I was not the best keeper, I didn't even look all that great in our neon green uniforms; very few do. All this didn't usually matter except that now the older girls were gonna see that. No one was paying very much attention to the instruction about blocking that Mr. Soley was giving, except me. hahaha. It was my turn to try out this technique he had been going on about...try out by going up against the best girl on their team, Stacey Soley.("American Woman" should start playing as she stands in front of a paint splashed background in her spandex shorts crushing all the air out of a soccer ball with her bare hands, hair blowing in the wind while her lips creep upwards into a vicious smile revealing her bright yellow mouth guard.) Everyone before me had failed and I wasn't too hopeful about my chance. To my amazement though, I blocked the ball! Stacey was mad, and Mr. Soley could not have been prouder. :) That was a good time.
6. TN with Earl
(not in a snotty, "I hate my life" kinda way; just in an "I'm bored and these times and places are so great" kinda way)
1. NOVA SCOTIA. Specifically, here. It will be so great to someday experience the coast there and be awed by God's creation. There is so much "scope for the imagination" in that place. And YES! I am shameless quoting from Anne of Green Gables. Maybe I think if i go there, some of her spunk will rub off on me. haha. As if I need more spunk!
2. PARK BENCH. With a soft blanket and my latest Chaim Potok novel, The Promise. If you have never read anything by him, you need to. His characters are such a treat to struggle through things with. Tragically beautiful!
3. TASTEE FREEZE. No significant reason. I just love ice cream. Chocolate dipped in chocolate. mmmm!
4. 15 PASSENGER VAN. The Kimberley Family had this rocking 15 passenger van that we took on a road trip to DC one Summer. (Maybe it was for a HSLDA homeschool rally) It was maroon with a silver stripe down the middle, Ford of course. A rare beauty! In between hearing speeches and lobbying at the Capitol, we accidentally drove down one way streets and parked illegally. It was such a fun time driving back too- making up motions to country songs. "I had a BBQ stain on my white T-shirt... she was killing me in that mini-skirt.." good times.
5. SOCCER PRACTICE. When I was 11 or 12 our soccer coach couldn't make it to a practice and so we combined with an older team. I was super nervous and wanted to get out of there PRONTO. I was not the best runner, I was not the best keeper, I didn't even look all that great in our neon green uniforms; very few do. All this didn't usually matter except that now the older girls were gonna see that. No one was paying very much attention to the instruction about blocking that Mr. Soley was giving, except me. hahaha. It was my turn to try out this technique he had been going on about...try out by going up against the best girl on their team, Stacey Soley.("American Woman" should start playing as she stands in front of a paint splashed background in her spandex shorts crushing all the air out of a soccer ball with her bare hands, hair blowing in the wind while her lips creep upwards into a vicious smile revealing her bright yellow mouth guard.) Everyone before me had failed and I wasn't too hopeful about my chance. To my amazement though, I blocked the ball! Stacey was mad, and Mr. Soley could not have been prouder. :) That was a good time.
6. TN with Earl
Friday, October 16, 2009
Raindrops on Roses...
Things that make me squirm:
1. A new porn rack in my local 7-11 and a bunch of guys standing around googling at them together. ick!
2. Wet feet.
3. Sharing a pool lane with a male co-worker.
4. My fave team on the Amazing Race got out after they came in first because they lost their passport! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Things that make me laugh:
1. Steve Green.
2. A new breed of missionary representatives that bring up the "right to bear arms" in their sales pitch.
Things that make me smile:
1. My office being pretty close to settled... just waiting for one wall to be painted.
2. the weekend is 6 minutes away!
3. Going to see WHIP IT with Alli-Cat tonight.
4. Brownies with frosting on them.
Things I cannot think of a good category for:
1. My hair looks awesome today!
2. I bought some art for our bathroom yesterday.
3. The candle scent "Dune Grass" is actually quite pleasant.
4. Bought my old boss a singing Happy Bosses Day card.... I think I forgot to even acknowledge the day last year.
5. Someone told me that I looked radiant today and asked if I got married. hahahahaha! Sure wish I knew what I was doing... I would market it for sure. (Guaranteed to make you glow like you just got married!)
6. Drawing a water fountain is HARD! If you come up with any good techniques... let me know!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
WARNING! Blasting Zone Ahead
Someone once told me that I had a "rich inner world." Which is a blessing, but also a curse. I feel as though I am living in the midst of a blasting zone right now and trusting one day at a time that the Lord is expertly removing all the ugliness from my life, one blast at a time.
A couple weeks ago, I experienced a “H-e-double hockey sticks” of a night. It was the closest to a panic attack I had come in 6-7 years. I was weeping uncontrollably and couldn't catch my breath and kept having flashes of something gruesome and awful and was thrashing around in anger or fear or confusion or all of the above. It was intense. Kaits prayed over me like it was her job and finally I calmed down enough to sleep.
I was feeling like it was a sign of failure and weakness and disappointment. And really wanting to quit- quit trying to be holy, quit valuing myself enough to make healthy choices, quit work and just live in a hole and eat worms and cry.Kinda dramatic but it was such a dark night. I really felt like there was not much hope. I felt pathetic, worthless and shamed.
By the end of that week the Lord had opened up 2 specific opportunities that I could not have imagined being a part of before. It was like the Lord was proving to me that this fight is worth it. 1. My neighbor ("The beautiful one" as the boys downstairs refer to her) saw me in the hall the next day and invited me to an Indian dance show at the Old Town School of Folk Music. We have been talking about doing something together for months, but it never seems to work out. I had the night free but was feeling understandably exhausted. My spirit felt compelled to go and even seemed a step of obedience. It was kind of intimidating since "the beautiful one" is just that and classy too; a wine and cheese and pearls kinda woman. It was an amazing show and I enjoyed getting to know her a little and a couple of her friends. She is an avid traveler and a snappy dresser. Hopefully there will be more such times... 2. The GRIP retreat was such an encouraging experience (minus all the akward attempts to talk to people - haha). There were sessions that broke my heart, that educated me about realities of city living and convicted me to my core. One evening devotional was by a great man of prayer. He talked about the importance and power of prayer in our life and ministry. He talked about claiming territory (literal, physical land) in the name of Jesus. I've always thought of (and been taught that) the earth as Satan's turf that will be destroyed and remade at Christ's return. He described the scenario somewhat differently though and it rocked my world. I don't know if I "agree" or not- still chewing it over. It's a much more covenant theology, Hasidic Judaism kind of thinking about ushering in the kingdom it seems. I absolutely do believe in the Spirit though and His work to change a life and even a place. 2 days after that rough night one of the staff memebers from GRIP asked me to take a more involved role in intersessory prayer part of the program. Especially for someone who is an Activator (Now, Discover Your Strengths), it might be easy to do alot of busy work and forget that without the Spirit of the Living God.... nothing is accomplished!
That terrible night was a definite turning point for me… To still say “no” to the flesh, to draw the line and say that I do not answer to it even though it screams my name. That awful, battle-exhausted feeling has given way to a feeling of victory I have not known so fully in awhile. And I am so thankful for this moment to reflect on where He has brought me to…. And that I can trust He will be faithful to complete the work He has started in my life. Though I hate that place of need being exposed and don’t like the inconvenience or embarrassment of it all; I am confident that this pain and struggle are the instruments that God is using to form me more into His image. There is power in the blood!!! O Praise the One, Who took my debt and raised this life up from the grave!
A couple weeks ago, I experienced a “H-e-double hockey sticks” of a night. It was the closest to a panic attack I had come in 6-7 years. I was weeping uncontrollably and couldn't catch my breath and kept having flashes of something gruesome and awful and was thrashing around in anger or fear or confusion or all of the above. It was intense. Kaits prayed over me like it was her job and finally I calmed down enough to sleep.
I was feeling like it was a sign of failure and weakness and disappointment. And really wanting to quit- quit trying to be holy, quit valuing myself enough to make healthy choices, quit work and just live in a hole and eat worms and cry.Kinda dramatic but it was such a dark night. I really felt like there was not much hope. I felt pathetic, worthless and shamed.
By the end of that week the Lord had opened up 2 specific opportunities that I could not have imagined being a part of before. It was like the Lord was proving to me that this fight is worth it. 1. My neighbor ("The beautiful one" as the boys downstairs refer to her) saw me in the hall the next day and invited me to an Indian dance show at the Old Town School of Folk Music. We have been talking about doing something together for months, but it never seems to work out. I had the night free but was feeling understandably exhausted. My spirit felt compelled to go and even seemed a step of obedience. It was kind of intimidating since "the beautiful one" is just that and classy too; a wine and cheese and pearls kinda woman. It was an amazing show and I enjoyed getting to know her a little and a couple of her friends. She is an avid traveler and a snappy dresser. Hopefully there will be more such times... 2. The GRIP retreat was such an encouraging experience (minus all the akward attempts to talk to people - haha). There were sessions that broke my heart, that educated me about realities of city living and convicted me to my core. One evening devotional was by a great man of prayer. He talked about the importance and power of prayer in our life and ministry. He talked about claiming territory (literal, physical land) in the name of Jesus. I've always thought of (and been taught that) the earth as Satan's turf that will be destroyed and remade at Christ's return. He described the scenario somewhat differently though and it rocked my world. I don't know if I "agree" or not- still chewing it over. It's a much more covenant theology, Hasidic Judaism kind of thinking about ushering in the kingdom it seems. I absolutely do believe in the Spirit though and His work to change a life and even a place. 2 days after that rough night one of the staff memebers from GRIP asked me to take a more involved role in intersessory prayer part of the program. Especially for someone who is an Activator (Now, Discover Your Strengths), it might be easy to do alot of busy work and forget that without the Spirit of the Living God.... nothing is accomplished!
That terrible night was a definite turning point for me… To still say “no” to the flesh, to draw the line and say that I do not answer to it even though it screams my name. That awful, battle-exhausted feeling has given way to a feeling of victory I have not known so fully in awhile. And I am so thankful for this moment to reflect on where He has brought me to…. And that I can trust He will be faithful to complete the work He has started in my life. Though I hate that place of need being exposed and don’t like the inconvenience or embarrassment of it all; I am confident that this pain and struggle are the instruments that God is using to form me more into His image. There is power in the blood!!! O Praise the One, Who took my debt and raised this life up from the grave!
That feeling of invincibility and victory ebbs and flows. Currently, I feel that my mind (like love) is a battlefield. So many fears surrounding my identity cause me to mistrust those who love me most. Lame and destructive, I know! I'm thankful for a wise and godly woman who was able to speak some very potent truth to me this week over coffee and kleenex. It is a good thing to be called out when you are bogus, even if it is painful to hear. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend..." I'm also thankful for super patient friends and roommate. God is doing such a purifying work in me right now. I'd much rather put on a bunch of theatrics and go through a flurry of activities, slapping band-aids on all the wounds; than to just be before the LORD and allow His truth to saturate and transform my mind. In my weariness of doing battle with my own flesh the Lord is teaching me that it is not a microwave kind of spirituality that He is accomplishing in my life, but a slow roasting one...not a 99 cent burrito kind of meal, but instead a sunday dinner.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)