What Could Be Better?

Saturday mornings are always a delight to me. That first moment when you open your eyes and remember that you don't have to go to work....you can do whatever you want is the best! After sleeping soundly for 12 hours, I had this moment. The rain was drizzling down outside the window making the best waking up noise. I visited my friendly neighborhood 7-11 store and now am blogging with the best meal I can imagine; leftover pizza, Cheez-It's and soda. mmmmm. I am also simultaneously watching Olympic athletes on my new favorite TV station (NBC Universal Sports) and wearing PJ's, wrapped up in a blanket because of the chill coming in the windows. Maybe it sounds lazy, but this is where I feel the most at rest/at home here in the city - this side of eternity.

This week has been a challenge. I am laughing out loud at what an understatement that is! Words fall short to describe the see saw of emotions and behavior going on right now. Wisdom requires not sharing any specifics, but ultimately I cannot change the situation no matter the details. The frustration that comes with the inability to change things usually comes with the most shallow things in my life. You know- inability to change my foot size or age or mathematical ability. This time it is a much deeper pain that only those you love have the permission to inflict. I guess I have felt this painful paralysis before- like when Grandpa died. I don't remember ever being so aware of my smallness though. There is a sense of finality that comes with death that forces you to accept it as reality. In a situation where things can change but do not; the reality is far more difficult to accept. My sense of justice wants to stand up and say "NO!" Like driving down a road someone has built a brick wall across. I would be out there screaming, "Who put this here? Who is the genius that thought it would be a good idea to build this here? Who's gonna help me dismantle it so we can all get to where we want to be?" Imagine though that no one will help you dismantle it. Some sit at the wall and cry in disappointment, others turn around frustrated and never to be seen again, some throw a party thinking trying to make the best of the situation. Why? I have to know, Why wouldn't you just go buy a sledge hammer and break it down? No one seems to have the answer or at least no one wants to answer this question for me though. So, at least today, all I can do is pray for the sky to rain down sledge hammers on that wall.

A comfort and conviction has been the words of Psalm 84. Better is one day... than a thousand elsewhere... Alot of good things could be stored in over 2 years worth of days. Just being in the presence of God is better than all those. I say that and I sing it sometimes, but I don't even know that I truly comprehend what truth those words contain. Everywhere it seems that God is reminding me that He is great.... not only in His ability, but in His very essence. I am thankful for simple things like Cheez-It's and synchronized diving on TV, but even more than that.... I am learning that one thousand days of getting everything I want and everything going smoothly for me pales in comparison to going through this one day knowing that He is with me and for me in the shadow of this brick wall.