Angry Eyebrows

I don't really know how to explain it but I feel like I have been in a terrible, horrible, very bad mood for the last week and a half. Grrr. Usually you have a bad day or even two bad days and then it passes and you wipe your forehead a say, "Whew! Thank God that's over!" This mood however has just moved in it seems. Seriously, you'd think I had just made friends with 'enry 'iggins because I have been "jealous, exacting, tyrannical and a damn nuisance."

It's frustrating to know one thing in your head and then feel totally helpless to convince your heart. I cannot put my finger on why I cannot shake all these emotions that only cause destruction in my dearest relationships. It's like watching a horror film with no sound on. Sure the fear is totally legit if you are entrenched in that situation and you cannot see what's around the corner and all those creepy chords are playing in the background. But if you re watching the movie with no sound you just look dumb like you are over reacting. The scary soundtrack is silent in my head but blasting out the eardrums in my heart. Those conflicting viewpoints make me tired and quick to anger (mostly at myself, but I have had a few moments at work as well) and altogether wishing we could tun off this awful movie anyway. Where's Jack Bauer when you really need him ladies? :) Actually my roommate has been so patient with me and I super appreciate her wisdom and words of truth spoken into my life. If there was a 'become the next Jack Bauer contest' - Kaits would totally win. :)

This past weekend, I stuffed these emotions down deep- healthy I know! I needed a break from all the DRAMA and all the noise. I went to Grand Rapids and got to see such a big group of dear friends from every cross section of my life. Friday night and Saturday during the day I got to see Liz. I met her camp friends and stayed up super late talking at the lakefront under a shimmering blanket of stars. I got my first mosquito bites of the summer and did laundry with her too. Classic moment in our relationship. Saturday afternoon I went back to visit CYIA (Christian Youth in Action). I felt like the Cheers theme song should have been playing in the background- "...where everybody knows your name...." I saw Rosy for awhile and we talked some. It was the first time I really saw her as more than a little girl- somehow she has become this really deep woman.... fashionable one mind you, but nonetheless, a woman. Crazy! I got to spend a couple (literally) hours with Sara. We sat on her screened in porch, we also ate ice cream- we are really cool people. I spent the night at Amanda Ruth's- we also stayed up too late talking, but it was sooooo good to catch up. I was her first official guest to stay on the pull out sofa bed. SCORE! I packed an incredible amount visits and talking into that 34 hours I was in GR. Plus a really good time at Adam and Amy's wedding on Sunday in CHESTERTON, IN. woot!woot!

Tomorrow at 6:30am there will be a car full of ladies I love picking me up. We will be driving to TN and cabin-ing for a few days. Hopefully we will not get lice or fleas, both my Dad says cabins are known for--- hmmm. awesome. We will be swimming and enjoying hiking in nature. What a good time! We'll be back on Sunday night and hopefully by then all of that "hot and bothered"-ness will have worked it's way out of my system. hopefully.

Whirlwind

This past weekend I read a book called Now, Discover Your Strengths. The theory of the book is that instead of dropping money, time and resources on trying to compensate for our weaknesses, we should develop the talents you are already naturally inclined to. There is a test for you to take online at the half way point of the book. Here are my results:

Empathy
You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Communication
You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your Communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them. You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have a very short attention span. They are bombarded by information, but very little of it survives. You want your information—whether an idea, an event, a product’s features and benefits, a discovery, or a lesson—to survive. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act.

Activator
“When can we start?” This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that “there are still some things we don’t know,” but this doesn’t seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can’t. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you.

Developer
You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth—a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of “flow” where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments—invisible to some—are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

Responsibility
Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help—and they soon will—you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.

If I may draw your attention to #3- Activator. Totally explains why I've been feeling the way I have lately. Since I started my new job, I feel like I live in a whirlwind.... there are a million pieces of paper swirling around my office, a million to-dos swirling around my head and a million people swirling around my window. I do love papers, to-dos and people but at some point I just really have this itch to "git-R-done." It was relieving to know that I am not insane and that it can even be a strength.

And while we are discussing whirlwinds... that is what the next week of travels is going to be like. Tomorrow I am going to Grand Rapids. I am SUPER excited to see Liz and Sara and hopefully Amanda. Also, I am going to stop by Michigan's CYIA training and see some of my buddies there and my sister Rosy. I'm sure it will be more nostalgia than I can even handle, but totally fun. I am working Monday and Tuesday next week and then headed out on a road trip to the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee. It will be such a great adventure with girls I truly love!

Update on the sunburned back: It no longer hurts so much and the peeling has started. I used to always think that part was so cool, but right now I am just feeling like it's super gross.

Anderson Cooper looks alot like Dr. Hockey

I have had a crush on Anderson Cooper since 2000 when he hosted "The Mole" on ABC. I had no idea that he was such a delightful storyteller or serious journalist at the time. Today I came across a youtube clip of him on someone's blog and next thing I know I was "googling" him. Besides the part where they speculate about his sexual orientation, I found this wikipedia entry particularly inspiring. Maybe it's his impressive travel history or his depth in dealing with topics that matter... perhaps it's something more shallow like his killer good looks, dignified chin and accent; but something about this guy makes me want to know more about the world. Pretty sure that at age 42 he is not gay, but rather (like Chris Rice) holding out for me. :) hahahhaa. Maybe not. And it may not surprise you to learn that Anderson Cooper and Dr. Hockey have similar features... I'm pretty consistent about what I like- chins, hair and accents.

My heart was also smitten this week by Joe and Lenny in the documentary "Young @ Heart." It is about a choir of senior citizens who sing rock songs- some of the parts are absolutely hysterical, other made me cry.... a really sweet movie over all. Undoubtedly a favorite part was when Lenny was driving!

My sunburn has rendered me pretty immobile. I have been surfing through tv channels at random today and caught some priceless gems. 1.) Bollywood Unlimited- a news magazine similar to Entertainment tonight or Extra here in the states. Basically the same dramatic garbage about who's wearing what and who's dating who, except they all have incredibly charming accents and can dance! 2.)Water Polo world final- Did you know they have to wear their caps at all times to prevent a broken eardrum from an accidental elbow to the ear? That's some serious business! 3.) A PBS documentary about birds- no lie I was just watching a Home Depot employee explain how the birds have figured out how to get in and out of the store through the motion activated doors of his store. Wow! "Hey Darla.... come in here Hunny- I'm on TV!"

Speaking of famous performers....This past Wednesday Alli and I went to see TOPOL in "Fiddler on the Roof." That man is a genius in his role as Teyve. Absolutely flawless... complete with all the mumbling and exclamations! The rest of the performers were not as strong, but it was worth it to say that I saw him at age 74 before he retired from the stage. :) The woman sitting next to me also made it worth it- as the music started for each song she would lean over to her husband and announce which song it was and how much she liked it. Apparently I missed the bouncing Mickey Mouse ears, because she was also singing along at parts! The show made me think of my Dad and Grandpa alot- all the rolling of eyes and sighing behind their wives back in (of course) the most comical and loving way. Fittingly, I had a couple of "dad" moments at the show.... "I wonder what this ceiling is made out of. hmmmm. looks like plaster with a foil on top- what do you think Alli?" "Wouldn't you love to be the guy who runs the lights for this show?"Well, wouldn't you? :)

Thank you Mom!

Confession: I love to play ROCKBAND. Not for the high-tech interactive guitar or drums.... oh no, I just love that microphone. I'm a singer- not a good singer, but a singer none the less. If you're ever played ROCKBAND yourself, you may remember the song "I think I'm paranoid" That is today's theme song!

Kaits and I spent the whole day together- rare that we are both in town at the apartment on the same weekend. It was super fun! We kicked the day off with a hearty breakfast from Yolk; a new place that opened not too far from us. I had a waffle with BACON in it. Why have I never thought of this before- BRILLIANT! After breakfast and alot of indecision about our wardrobe selections, we headed to Oak Street beach. Can I just tell you that this took alot of bravery for me? It did. As soon as we could see the beach I scanned the crowd-- It is exactly what I imagine purgatory would be like! Every girl in a bikini, every old man with a cooler, every young sporty man with no hair on his chest, everyone not wearing a skort over their swimsuit for modesty seemed to be screaming "You don't belong here!" Despite the less than warm welcome Kaits and I made ourselves comfortable in the sand between a fake palm tree and the garbage cans. mmmm. good times. :) It was super relaxing reading and hoping to kick the summer off well with a tan. Even though it was incredibly hot, we couldn't cool off in the water. Apparently the heavy rains caused some sort of E.coli in the lake- rendering it "unswimmable" for a few days. A few chapters and 2 hours later we packed up to go home.

I was so cocky- getting excited about the sunburn I must have gotten that would fade to a real nice tan. I had rejected Kaitlyn's offers (yes, multiple offers) of sunscreen and now the damage was being revealed. A picture is really the only thing that could do this sunburn justice, but it's hard to really capture the brevity of the situation discreetly so here's PLAN B:
Yes, my back shares an uncanny resemblance to this flag...


I bought some aloe' vera knowing I would be in pain and have been applying it liberally ever since. I called my Mom to ask her if there was anything else I should do. She was concerned that I had sun poisoning and asked me a battery of questions to adequately diagnose me. She wanted to check that I was able to sweat- that I wasn't dehydrated.... "Are you drinking alot of water? Are you sweating?" When I told her I wasn't because I was in my house that is cool, she was stumped. I downed a glass of cold water as she gave me her alternate plan: "Put your finger up your nose and see if it's moist. " Like a panicked but obedient dog I obeyed! With my finger up my nose I realized that my Mom was mocking the concern she herself had stirred in me. She could barely squeak out the words "I just made that up" because she was laughing so hard knowing I had actually followed her bogus instructions. She also wanted to check if I had a fever...so I got out our thermometer and checked 96.5. This number concerned my Mom even more than my lack of sweating. I informed her I just had cold water, making my mouth chilled and got in trouble for the hydrating she had just warned me to do. She cautioned however not to drink too much water- we wouldn't want to over hydrate and my system not have enough salt. Ahhhhhh. So to everyone who has seen me go into a panic over being unsure if a pill I swallowed made it out of my throat and into my body, to everyone who has ever watched my check the gas stove dials like it was my job, to everyone who has endured me resetting the carbon monoxide detector (TWICE! just in case)---- I offer this as evidence that it is all because of my mother. Any complaints can be submitted to her. :) Thank you Mother!

Thinking Outside the Bun

Well, after such a chill morning I decided I should venture out past the 7-11. :)

The Art Show- http://www.chicagoevents.com/event.cfm?eid=141
There was an art festival that admittedly I think I snuck into- it was one where they ask for a "donation." It started at Division and went to North (about 1/2 mile for those of you who are not from round there parts). I love art and saw a few really great booths to be sure, but I went there in hopes that Smadar Livine would be there. She is my fave of all faves in the art world. She uses mixed media and acrylics to created some the the most colorful, vibrant, lively, detailed, unique work I have ever seen. Check out her website: www.smadarlivne.com As incredible as it may look online, I can attest that it is nothing like seeing it in person. There is a life and a joy that seems to overtake you the more you look at them. I've never quite felt this way about any art before. I stood in that booth for over an hour. A woman asked me if I worked there because I hung around so long. I just couldn't leave!!! About a year ago I wrote Ms. Livine asking about prices- little did I know how expensive good art is. Now I do. :) My hope was to just buy a print someday, but after standing there with a print in hand and an original hanging on the booth wall... I know that I can never settle for a print. A glicee I could do- I learned that this a print on canvas with some hand details. So, I will save and save until I get a Smadar Livine and maybe I will take it on a trip with me to Nova Scotia. :) It's that level of love... serious, I know!

The Walk
Wanting some exercise but not having anywhere necessarily to go... I started walking to Taco Bell. hahahaha. You know... the one that is 3.4 miles away. Oh my word! I did it though-there and back. It was actually really fun to see so many interesting shops along the way that I never have paid attention to before on the bus or in a car. Good exercise and a great dinner. Chili Cheese Burrito! Ole'!

Just Sayin'
(1.) Earlier on my fave TV channel- NBC Universal Sports I caught a few minutes of biking. Did you realize that people buy advertising on the cyclists butts.....? That contract must be ridiculous!

(2.) In the midst of the art festival there were a bunch of beer booths. At one point I was completely gridlocked with a bunch of art loving young professionals in "going out tops" beer in hand. Probably one of the worst experiences of my life. The guy to my left going the opposite direction announced that it would be kinda nice to be bumping into so many people if they weren't all "fat women." I looked around at women bumping into him- they were all fabulous. Summer dresses, tanned skin, perfume and painted fingernails. Another time in my life and I would have had an emotional melt down thinking "If those are fat women... what must he think of me?" Not today though. Today I suddenly had high blood pressure thinking "Wow! Excuse me-man in the 'Kiss Me I'm Irish' t-shirt with pits as stained as your teeth- you're a fake. I promise you that none of these women would be bumping up against you.... unless they were trying to get to the man in the cargo shorts with a kind smile behind you."

What Could Be Better?

Saturday mornings are always a delight to me. That first moment when you open your eyes and remember that you don't have to go to work....you can do whatever you want is the best! After sleeping soundly for 12 hours, I had this moment. The rain was drizzling down outside the window making the best waking up noise. I visited my friendly neighborhood 7-11 store and now am blogging with the best meal I can imagine; leftover pizza, Cheez-It's and soda. mmmmm. I am also simultaneously watching Olympic athletes on my new favorite TV station (NBC Universal Sports) and wearing PJ's, wrapped up in a blanket because of the chill coming in the windows. Maybe it sounds lazy, but this is where I feel the most at rest/at home here in the city - this side of eternity.

This week has been a challenge. I am laughing out loud at what an understatement that is! Words fall short to describe the see saw of emotions and behavior going on right now. Wisdom requires not sharing any specifics, but ultimately I cannot change the situation no matter the details. The frustration that comes with the inability to change things usually comes with the most shallow things in my life. You know- inability to change my foot size or age or mathematical ability. This time it is a much deeper pain that only those you love have the permission to inflict. I guess I have felt this painful paralysis before- like when Grandpa died. I don't remember ever being so aware of my smallness though. There is a sense of finality that comes with death that forces you to accept it as reality. In a situation where things can change but do not; the reality is far more difficult to accept. My sense of justice wants to stand up and say "NO!" Like driving down a road someone has built a brick wall across. I would be out there screaming, "Who put this here? Who is the genius that thought it would be a good idea to build this here? Who's gonna help me dismantle it so we can all get to where we want to be?" Imagine though that no one will help you dismantle it. Some sit at the wall and cry in disappointment, others turn around frustrated and never to be seen again, some throw a party thinking trying to make the best of the situation. Why? I have to know, Why wouldn't you just go buy a sledge hammer and break it down? No one seems to have the answer or at least no one wants to answer this question for me though. So, at least today, all I can do is pray for the sky to rain down sledge hammers on that wall.

A comfort and conviction has been the words of Psalm 84. Better is one day... than a thousand elsewhere... Alot of good things could be stored in over 2 years worth of days. Just being in the presence of God is better than all those. I say that and I sing it sometimes, but I don't even know that I truly comprehend what truth those words contain. Everywhere it seems that God is reminding me that He is great.... not only in His ability, but in His very essence. I am thankful for simple things like Cheez-It's and synchronized diving on TV, but even more than that.... I am learning that one thousand days of getting everything I want and everything going smoothly for me pales in comparison to going through this one day knowing that He is with me and for me in the shadow of this brick wall.

NEW

The new job and the new office and the new boss is great!

Pretty sure the new job was made for me- the perfect blend of spreadsheets, details, etc. and people, schmoozing, etc. I LOVE it!

The new office is AMAZING... view of the plaza, white board with multi-color markers, India designed file folders from Paper Source and my name on the door. Also, I am borrowing a borrowed couch until August. It is mustard yellow and brown plaid. If you're in the area, you should come visit it and me.

The new boss is so so so nice. I am excited about the things I will learn from him about leadership in ResLife. Although I did have a little slip up... called him "Tom." oops! :)

Overall, this week has brought a resurgence of purpose. The experience I am gaining from each of these jobs is good stuff for the future. Let me clarify, I am not even attempting to guess what the Lord is preparing for me in the future. However, for some reason this "right fit" at this job reassures me that He is divinely moving me into just the place He wants me. O Praise Him!

End of the Hiatus

Can you tell I started my new job and it's alot busier?? :) Well, that combined with being so over the computer these last two weeks that I have never been in the blogging mood.

Currently(at this moment), I am watching "The Rocker." So far it is absurdly funny... and it's totally helping that my old pal Jobe Bluth is in it. :)

Currently (this weekend), I have been painting a ton. 3 new pictures in 3 days. Here's a picture of the one I am most proud of:


Currently (this week), I am reading Sex and the City Uncovered by Marian Jordan. It is a book I wish I would have written. Truth is dripping from this book... If you get a chance, read it!