Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

I am pissed. At myself. Kinda. I think. I should be. I want to be.

To deal with the complexity of my humanity- being sinful and yet somehow redeemed- I used to think of myself in 2 parts. Good Rachel and Bad Rachel (original names I know). It wasn't healthy, but at least it was a system. Each part knew the appropriate time to despise or resent the other. And we managed. Now however, I am usually in a healthy enough place emotionally not to let a wrong choice consume my identity. I still need to own the wrong though, be forgiven, and keep moving forward; but I am at a loss for how to do that in this new context. Sometimes I am afraid that "forgiving myself" looks a little more like sinning so that grace can abound. So to cope, I externalize these conflicting emotions of self acceptance and self loathing into "parents" of sorts. Right now, I am picturing them as the Fairly Odd Parents. 1 is angry and abusive and unforgiving. The other is gentle and warm and forgiving. I guess these emotions could also be characterized by the colloquial good cop/bad cop.

Either way, I could live in the disapproval of those that I don't know or more accurately, don't exist. I could keep doing whatever I want...Why not? It isn't costing me anything!

There's only one problem with my fancy free theory: It does cost, even if I am not the one paying. Right now I want to smash things against a brick wall because I know that it needs to cost someone/something- I deserve to pay and yet I am find that I am not strong enough, not brave enough, not good enough... not even willing enough. It is sobering to remember that Jesus has paid. He has taken all this and died for it. This event happened in the past and yet somehow I am a contributor... why do I have to be contributing so generously? I cannot even try at this moment to wrap my head around that theology and the time continuum that exists but the bottom line is this: It's awful to do something anyway- knowing what it is going to cost someone else. And anyway it's not just someone else... It's Jesus! The Savior! The LORD!

Is a cosmic whipping boy all I want? REALLY?

Even more than just not being right; it makes me sad that apparently I am missing so much. Missing out on the joy of having more than just a free pass- of having the Maker of the Universe, Bread of Life, Light of the World, Kinsman Redeemer, Hope of Nations, Wonderful, Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Lamb, Messiah. It makes me realize how I have gone from thinking about myself in plurality to thinking about God that way. He is not a set of conjoined twins; conflicted about whether to be angry or loving, abusive or gentle, unforgiving or forgiving. How I truly do not know Him....