Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

I am pissed. At myself. Kinda. I think. I should be. I want to be.

To deal with the complexity of my humanity- being sinful and yet somehow redeemed- I used to think of myself in 2 parts. Good Rachel and Bad Rachel (original names I know). It wasn't healthy, but at least it was a system. Each part knew the appropriate time to despise or resent the other. And we managed. Now however, I am usually in a healthy enough place emotionally not to let a wrong choice consume my identity. I still need to own the wrong though, be forgiven, and keep moving forward; but I am at a loss for how to do that in this new context. Sometimes I am afraid that "forgiving myself" looks a little more like sinning so that grace can abound. So to cope, I externalize these conflicting emotions of self acceptance and self loathing into "parents" of sorts. Right now, I am picturing them as the Fairly Odd Parents. 1 is angry and abusive and unforgiving. The other is gentle and warm and forgiving. I guess these emotions could also be characterized by the colloquial good cop/bad cop.

Either way, I could live in the disapproval of those that I don't know or more accurately, don't exist. I could keep doing whatever I want...Why not? It isn't costing me anything!

There's only one problem with my fancy free theory: It does cost, even if I am not the one paying. Right now I want to smash things against a brick wall because I know that it needs to cost someone/something- I deserve to pay and yet I am find that I am not strong enough, not brave enough, not good enough... not even willing enough. It is sobering to remember that Jesus has paid. He has taken all this and died for it. This event happened in the past and yet somehow I am a contributor... why do I have to be contributing so generously? I cannot even try at this moment to wrap my head around that theology and the time continuum that exists but the bottom line is this: It's awful to do something anyway- knowing what it is going to cost someone else. And anyway it's not just someone else... It's Jesus! The Savior! The LORD!

Is a cosmic whipping boy all I want? REALLY?

Even more than just not being right; it makes me sad that apparently I am missing so much. Missing out on the joy of having more than just a free pass- of having the Maker of the Universe, Bread of Life, Light of the World, Kinsman Redeemer, Hope of Nations, Wonderful, Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Lamb, Messiah. It makes me realize how I have gone from thinking about myself in plurality to thinking about God that way. He is not a set of conjoined twins; conflicted about whether to be angry or loving, abusive or gentle, unforgiving or forgiving. How I truly do not know Him....

All My Single Ladies

oh oh oh.... oh oh oh oh.... oh oh oh....oh oh oh oh.........

Seems like there is a theme from yesterday about love and stuff so I thought that would be an appropriate song to start with. I wouldn't recommend the music video but I think the song is hysterical.

Yesterday I talked to my friend Sarah who met the guy she is now dating through eHarmony. She was trying to convince me to join... she's a pretty good sales woman, but I am still unconvinced. It's not that I have anything against it. More and more people I know have met through it or another version of it. In the process of our talk about it though she was saying that this guy likes her without her even trying- he just does. (Insert a choir of girls saying "awwwwwwwwwwww..." here) That comment has been rolling around in my head all night- isn't that what every girl wants?

It started me thinking about all the times in the past that I have tried really hard to get a guy to like me. You think the stories about Dr. Hockey are funny... I have journals full of other impressively awkward stories from high school and college. (Confession: I have some pretty good stories from before high school too- perfect example: Kindergarten Rachel chasing my neighbor Steven Farver up and down the bus aisle trying to kiss him. O dear!) I could go on, but then I would have to change the title of this blog to "Humiliating: Recollection's of my recent past."

Anyway, I don't mean this to sound pathetic and desperate because I am not. Truly, I am not.In some small way her comment was so encouraging though. Not that I mind the effort, but to work so hard so fruitlessly seems a bit masochistic. That's not what I want.... I want someone to "like me for me" and think I am "phat like Cindy Crawford." (If you're drawing a blank on the classic 90's tune that should be playing in your head)

Though I have had more practice that I ever would have liked; I am still not very good at this waiting business. And not just waiting about boys, but totally beyond that. Recently I've been feeling conflicted about where I am at in life and what I am waiting for. Finding words to go along with this has been difficult for me; so this 'lighter' subject makes it a bit easier.

This morning I talked with a girl who graduated from here about 3 years ago and has been working here since then. She was talking about the way the Lord has been teaching her to put all of her energies into where she has been placed right now- Moody Bible Institute. While I LOVE my job and my boss, I resonate with what she was saying. There is a concern always in the back of my mind about what I am doing here in Chicago. My major was international ministries-emphasis on the international. :) And here I am living in the cutest apartment I could imagine with my best guy friend just steps away, working at a familiar place with a kick butt boss, benefits and enough money to pay all my bills. SOOOOO not what I was thinking my life would look like 10 months after graduation. I had this plan to justify staying in the states awhile, that I would save up to go to nursing school and then I could use that on the mission field... possibly India. And then that plan got destroyed in one conversation with Dr. Lightbody. Professor of the year? C'mon! hahahaha. "Rachel, " she said "Don't think you have to add to your resume' for God to use you." I was convicted to my core- that's totally what I was doing... I don't really want to be a nurse and even moreso after researching it. (For all the time and effort and money you would have to invest, you would really need to love it. Otherwise it's not sustainable.) So but I don't like that smoke screen being lifted because now I have no plan and that is scary to me.
I would like to end this paragraph with some resolution: "a note fell from the sky and told me to ..." or "...and then I met this awesome man who wants be a pastor in India...." or "... and then I found $5.00" but none of those are true. I guess this one's gonna end like an Indie film.

So I gots no man and I gots no plan... but I am doing alright. While I'm waiting for Hey Leonardo to put me in their music video.... I have another entertaining chiro story.

Yesterday my fave moment possible of all time on the 3rd floor of State and Elm- 2nd possibly only to when I asked him if it was safe to get an x-ray with my underwire bra on. So I always have trouble deciding how to get down from the table since I am laying on my stomach. Sometimes I slide off the edge. Sometimes I roll over and sit up. Can I just say that none of these are great choices? There should be a better way and I am determined to find it. So......Yesterday I decide to push my body up- pull my knees in and the climb off...are you picturing this? Dr. Hockey is standing at the head of the table looking at my chart and just as he looks up - I am on all 4 on top of the table! I am instantly amused and start laughing and he is completely frozen- unsure of what to look at or say. I dismount and gather my things while he tells me that 2x's next week will be good. Way to stick the landing, Rach! All I can say is: "Step aside Nadia Comaneci."

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Helen Keller Just Wants to Have Fun

So, in the complete opposite spirit of my last blog post... Here are a bunch of stupid things seen or done by me in the past week. hahahahaha.

1.) There is a giant poodle in the front window of this art gallery near where I work. It is frightening. Even though it has been there for quite some time, it always gives me a fright when I see those blood red lips and pom pom tale. Maybe Clifford finds her beautiful and wants a statue of her in his house, but not me..... Although I wish he would quick buy her so she can stop scaring me.

2.) As I was walking down the sidewalk this man passed and smiled at me... Just then he tripped on a piece of uneven sidewalk and almost ate it. I couldn't help but laugh because I have tripped on that very same sidewalk!

3.) I made cookies for my chiropractor... need I say more? Who does that?

4.) Crash!I looked over and saw a woman trying to back up her car, but ended up hitting a concrete post instead. She was so flustered that she had the parking attendant turn her car around for her. It makes me nervous that a woman who can turn her car around is driving around Chicago.

5.) I passed a man on the street today who looked like Gaston from "Beauty and the Beast." I started singing his song triumphantly in my head and just as he got close enough to make eye contact, smile, and nod politely I got to the part in the song where Gaston rips open his shirt proudly revealing that "every last inch of me's covered with hair............." I started laughing- giggling actually. I'm sure he thought that I thought that he was too good looking, but really I just thought he looked like a guy that sings songs about himself while eating raw eggs.

6.) Alli and I had a fabulously relaxing weekend. (Except for the part when we were working on my taxes. that stressed me out!) On Saturday night we watched "Girls just want to have fun"
Josh gave me a ride home and asked who was in this "fun" movie, I told him Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Keller! I was thinking Helen Hunt, but somehow Helen Keller came out. What a freak! Josh started signing- must have been before she was blind and deaf.

Rear in Gear

Recently, I read a really good blogger's blog...and it made me aspire to be more like him. All the output of random stories is amusing, but I want more-want to think deeply and critically and invite others to join me. So while you will still find the random updates on the hot chiropractor I can never be with because I don't know enough about hockey and/or basketball; I would like to have more input in my life- maybe I should rephrase... more meaningful input in my life.
Reading for instance is something I would like to take more seriously- I like to read, but when faced with the choice to read or talk- let's face it..... talking always wins. At work yesterday I started compiling a list of books I want to read- it's growing pretty stealthily! (Which reminds me... I need to renew my library card! eeks!) Topping the list is the sequel to My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok. If you have not read it, please borrow it from me! It is incredible.
Also, I would love to spend more time with the women from my church. You know- Bible Study, Cooking, Crafting, Whatever...
Maybe a class of some kind would be good too- maybe an art class since my dancing career has been shoved to the back burner following a devastating hip injury. hahahahaha.

Any other ideas for meaningful input in my life???

Miscellaneous Nothings
* Confession: Today I passed a man walking his dog today. The dog had just stopped to "use it" and for some reason I could not pull my eyes away. It was so gross and yet I was totally fascinated all the sudden by this pooping dog. end of sick story I have no idea why I chose to share in my blog.
* It bothers me that there is bold and italics, but no underline option here!
* Alli and I were discussing sewn crafts tonight (knitting, cross stitch, etc.) It reminded me how good I used to be at making latch hook rugs. At one time in my life I had an addiction to those things. My crowning glory was the daffy duck one I made... I wonder where that is now. hm.
* Saw Sunshine Cleaning tonight. It was good-ish. Not as much as I was expecting to after the 5 months of waiting for it to open in the US. The emotion it touched was so authentic though and that really makes this movie. It brought up alot of my own feelings about loss- Probably I'll blog about sometime in the future.
* Sadly, this blog entry will knock the picture of Grimace off the first page of my blog! :)

Dedicated to Scarlett in Hungary

Today I am overwhelmed with the smallness of my life....
There is really no reason that anyone should care about all these insignificant things I post, but I know that a couple of people read them for the laughs so here I go again posting them anyway. hahhahaha.

1.) My sister was in town this weekend. We visited the John Hancock observatory where we saw the sun almost set and ate beignets at the Grand Luxe which I renamed "clouds of deliciousness". We talked alot too- it was good to catch up. Genna corrected all my stories this weekend though-- making my life far less exciting than normal. ;)

2.) The cab driver that took us to Union station yesterday was quite possibly the creepiest old man I have ever met. I was not a fan, but he did tell us all about Niles, MI and the infamous Ring Lardner that came from there. I think he was still spelling his name as we got out of the cab..... Thanks! Got it!

3.)I went to work with long nails... but came home with short ones. I bit them off- they were uneven... I couldn't handle it. This was sad after the accomplishment of growing them out for a month. Guess I get to start again. :)

4.) While all others my age were out getting drunk yesterday and collecting Mardi Graw beads, I was proudly buying toilet paper- Walgreens brand.

5.) I am wearing a bright magenta pink blouse today and feel really color coordinated with the gray charcoal sky.

6.) I saw a large stuffed dog as tall as me today in someone's trash. It was pink and white; and had Valentine Day romance gone sour written all over it!

7.) In addition to being a hockey fan, my chiropractor also loves basketball. He went to see a Bulls game and they won. "Exciting!" I say- how could that possibly be the wrong answer?.... it was! He likes the Celts and wanted them to win. Possibly I have never felt more like a dumb hair tossing girl in my life. Also, per our conversation I started researching Irish punk bands. It is the most fascinating world of music. I would LOVE to know how some get their names... He mentioned a particular band I remembered as "The Benders" which I thought would make a really funny chiropractic joke (too much time hanging out with my 9 Dads at work I guess), but so glad I decided against it because that is not even their name.... "The Tossers" is their correct name.

8.) All day I have been freaking out about my taxes. My Dad has done them every year previous and I have blissfully paid the government every year previous. It not my Dad's fault. The government is just bogus. So I try not to think about it and write the check. :) I have gotten used to this, but then I heard some friends talking about last years stimulus and getting money they should've claimed last year and I got all excited that this year might be different. Consequently, I was trying to figure out how to get that money from Washington DC to the Chase Bank at the corner of Clark and Chicago, but alas! I was not getting far. Anyway, my brilliant friend Alli who works in finances has agreed to help me this weekend. Hallelujah!

9.) Suddenly, there is a choir outside my widow singing their hearts out in the Arch... They're good and all wearing Visitor ID badges. :)

I am so glad that Scar and the rest of your who read this don't mind my smallness... Thanks for being my friend!

My Body is a Cage

Friday I was a grumpy mess. At work I was pleasant and kind and everything that a good assistant ought to be, but inside I was off- majorly. Seriously, my name should have been Frazzled Franny. I could exactly put my finger on it, but as it turns out I desperately needed some alone time. I am a very social person so sometimes I forget, but that is what happens to me when I go more than a week without having a couple of hours by myself. I am irritable and quickly annoyed and generally unpleasant.

After spending a couple hours cooking and cleaning and being alone I felt more in the mood to go out to a movie with Alli and Sarah. Honestly I didn't even watch a preview for the movie, but the draw of friends and popcorn was enough. Thankfully this time we got to the theatre in time to get a seat.......hahaha. (Actually there were only a handful of us in the theatre at all). I was just so grateful that neither me or the popcorn was on the floor! :) Before the movie started all this classical, new age kind of music was playing -- including Sarah Love's "My body is a cage." As I was using the washroom before the movie started an older woman who looked like she was probably homeless and seemed to have some mental handicaps peeked in at me through the crack in the stall. She just waved. I wasn't sure whether that was the most awkward experience I have ever had or the most endearing.

The movie was called Everlasting Moments. It is a Swedish film with subtitles.


The movie was good- well made, true to life, interesting-- but it was also beyond sad!I am undecided though whether it was completely hopeless. It gave a sobering picture of a marriage gone sour. Jesus was not in it, so ultimately that eternal hope was a missing element. It was sad that something intended to bring such delight and to paint a picture of Christ to His Church was the source of such pain and brokenness and sorrow in this movie. Her husband was an unfaithful, violent alcoholic that (for whatever reason) she patiently and sometimes desperately endured along with their children. I ached for what their relationship could have been- you saw glimpses of it surface when they would dance together and yet they never could seem to stay there. The song would end and then they would return to the tragic roles they had both being playing. It made my heart hurt to watch it play out on the big screen in front of me...Incapable of stopping the maddness of their life and love.
That wasn't the way either of them wanted it to be. It wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Yet nevertheless, it was... day after day. I kept waiting for something, for someone to change but it/they never did. Their love went on like the last ember of a fire ready to go out- just barely surviving. The cosmic "WHY??" inside my head is still not settled- maybe it is my youth and idealism but I felt like something should have/could have been done to make things right, but it seemed that this couple was resigned to living that way...no hope of the other changing... too in love to leave and too miserable to stay.
So this woman copes in a beautiful and courageous way by taking pictures of the precious details around her. She was preserving those good moments, those small joys-she had to- to keep all that hardship from spoiling her. She chose to live in those moments instead of the harsh reality. Even though those moments occured in the past the pictures allowed them to remain in her memory... everlasting. That is hopeful, well almost hopeful I suppose.

Today's mood in songs:

BKSHUT

I thought that was so funny -BKSHUT was my reservation code for the flight from Chicago to Des Moines and back. It reminded me of every Hebrew class with Dr. Sigler- remembering the words that sounded like other (questionable) ones best.

Flying is so fun! I forgot how much I loved it. My favorite moment is the one just as the wheels leave the ground or right before they set down...... the plane is just hovering there and everyone is (some anxiously) waiting for the wheels to make contact with the strip. It's such a moment of celebration--- WE'RE HERE! On the way to Des Moines it was clear and I had a window seat. I noticed that Iowa has alot of rivers and that too many people like to drink tomato juice at 30,000 feet. Seriously, what a bizarre drink of choice on an hour flight.

I loved being at the O'Hare airport for a couple of hours- the people watching opportunities are ENDLESS! It was a warm day so all the old-ish men pulled out their kahki shorts and hawaiian button up's and the loafers....... never forget the loafers! It was priceless. I also bought a compilation of Nathaniel Hawthorne's short stories. He is such a complex writer- even at the end of the story, you sometimes don't know whether the character is for real or dreaming. As black and white as I am; I do like being teased with the meaning of it all- and trying to come to the "right" conclusion even if I am not sure. It's fun mental exercise. It was a little strange to be in the airport though- the last time I was there I was returning from India. (And saw Mike Ditka... hm. I forgot about that) I ate at the same restaurant as then because... let's face it- I am hopelessly flawed in my love of memories. Eating alone on Friday made me think of Jonathan and our time in India. It was such a hard time for me, but beautiful none the less.

Abbey and I spent alot of time in our PJ's talking and eating guacamole. Abbey is the best guacamole maker ever... I had missed her guac! Saturday morning we slept in and then sat on the couch drinking tea/coffee while catching up. After awhile Abbey asked what time I thought it was- 11:30am I guessed. It was definitely 1PM! :) I have very rarely lost track of time like that- what a gift though to enjoy time together and get eachother in conversation! It was also great to see Luci too (Brandon and Abbey's dog) - we're buddies. Saturday night Brandon had to preach at church. He found out about it last minute and spent alot of the weekend preparing for it. The church is Lutheran and one of the things I LOVED was the time of corporate confession. Even if you don't mean all the words when you say it- to have your brain trained that as a body we are responsible as well as individuals is GREAT! Brandon writes the confessions each week and this one was so focused on LIFE. Really convicted me on the things I choose to sustain me- are they truly LIFE giving? We have total access to life in Christ- and yet we too often choose other things instead. That deserves to be confessed. I was a Lutheran sacraments FAIL! I was in the front row and supposed to be leading the line- Abbey explained it to me beforehand, but I got a little turned around. Abbey had to whisper "Rach!" to get me back on course. I don't think anyone really noticed but it was hysterically predictable on my part.

Abbey and I watched Run Fatboy Run. I had been wanting to see it for a long time, but the mixed reviews I got from friends kinda prolonged the actual renting of it. Simon Pegg is incredible (if you have not seen HOT FUZZ you cannot be my friend! hahahaha)- and while this one was funny- it was also heartwarming so that was a bonus. Abbey and I also watched the Christian classic "Saving Sara Cain." It really has everything you could be looking for: a strong female lead who has lost her way, a relentlessly loving boyfriend and a few Amish kids!

Daylight Savings Time was this weekend. That was difficult for us.... we bought movie tickets at 2:30pm for the 1:55pm show. To this moment we are unsure why the girl behind the counter sold us those tickets........ Maybe she knows alot of people who only like to watch the second 1/2 of movies! We got the time right by Sunday night because the Amazing Race was on. It was like old times watching it with Ab. My team had a rough week to say the least... maybe daylight savings time messed with them too! :)

Confession: Dr. Hockey gave me stretches I was supposed to be doing all weekend, but I didn't do them. (Brian Regan Flashback: "Had 9 months to work on it... Did nothing!") Maybe I could bribe him with a hockey card???

The flight back took off about 7:30am and it was overcast. As we climbed through the blanket of clouds, the sunrise suddenly BURST through! It was glorious...Seemed like a sermon illustration to me about how the weather looks cloudy to us, but we cannot see it all... cannot see higher to behold the true gloriousness. I don't know if that makes you roll your eyes or not, but it was encouraging to see that sun and behold the splendor of it unexpectedly. And to think that the sunrise is only a work of God's hand.... to behold Him....... must be truly incredible!

The only tragedy about this weekend is that I forgot to take any pictures..... :)

The Heart of Iowa

This afternoon I am flying to Des Moines, Iowa to visit my old pal Abbey! Let me tell you about this woman... she is amazing. Abbey was my RS at Moody (Basically when I was an RA she was my supervisor). We met together every other week to check in about stuff on 7N, but during those times Abbey really discipled me too. One phrase I can remember her often saying was: "Rachel you can visit here, but don't move in." Maybe it sounds cheesy when you first hear it, but it really sums up the way Abbey lives. She has had her peaks and valleys like anyone, but she is always moving forward, closer to the heart of God. As I was reflecting on "hard things" yesterday I realized how much she taught me on that. I respect the way she tackles hard things with honesty and kindness and patience.

Abbey let me live with her for a month when I came back to Chicago this summer. (If you don't know this already, I was a nomad around Chicago this summer to the great chagrin of my mother.) How thankful I was for a place to live and a friend to share it with... even though I made it smell like Italian sausage! :) Sorry Abs! This is a poor analogy because all my worldly possessions were there, but just go with me out on this limb........It was great to visit (an extended one to be sure), but when I moved in to my apartment- that was such a sense of relief!

I was thinking about "moving in" and what a secure feeling that gives you- Moving in to a house or a job or a relationship or a role, etc. Maybe it's overwhelming and scary at times, but it's the best of those emotions. I have a hard time moving anywhere but in though. My best attempts to permanently reside anywhere seem to be constantly being undone. This morning I was reminded of that because I was frustrated about a lack of that secure feeling and LONGING for it.

I think the Lord has a hand in that- for our good. This world has some great stuff- don't get me wrong- it is totally worth enjoying, but at some point it always comes to an end. Massages, Money, Sex, Sleep, Power, Food...... Even the seasons change reminding us (no matter which we like the best) that it does not last forever.Think how glorious it will be to move in to Heaven- permanently! To be at complete rest and never have to leave.......... Wow! I can't wait for that moving day....... To see Jesus face to face; to be surrounded by His glory; to experience pleasures at His right hand FOREVERMORE.

Come Lord Jesus.... Come!

Hard Things

I hate doing hard things. I put them off until the very last. Like when I have a To-Do list, I will start with the easy projects I can quickly cross off and then there is that surge of excitement.... "LOOK! More than 1/2 my list is done. This is a jiffy of a list!" And then you are left with those 2 things... those 2 huge things that require patience and dedication and making a lot more mess before everything can be looking cleaned up again. I hate those 2 things!

When I was in high school one of them was Math. My strategy was to do double the pages in every other subject that way I could justify not doing any Algebraic expressions. That was great at the time, but by the end of the year…. No bueno. All the other subjects would be complete and I would have to labor over that algebra all day. I can remember so many tears being shed on our kitchen table over that Saxon Math book. (I have a few algebraic expressions of my own for it now- let me tell you!) Anyway- Saxon was hard but my strategy was flawed nonetheless and made it even more difficult. Knowing this you think I would pick a new strategy- like do the hard stuff first and then breeze to the finish. OH NO- I never even tried that!

Well, it seems that I have adopted this same flawed strategy for my whole life- AWESOME! This week I have had to reckon with the “final 2” on my list. I started to do the 2 things that are not quickly crossed off the list- that are going to require a lot of re-learning, probably some pain and a whole lot of patience. I joined Weight Watchers and I send a crazy honest email to a friend.
The email isn’t the sort of thing to write about in a blog- if I did you would all fall asleep I’m sure. But it has changed our relationship and that took a lot of bravery and honesty. The learning curve will be steep as I learn to play a different role and my endurance will be tested as I let go of some hopes. Yeah… that’s probably gonna be on the list for awhile.
The Weight Watchers was per the instruction of my doctor (Dr. Evil as I like to call her). I have insulin resistance which can easily turn into diabetes if not monitored. I’m sure this is a shock to none of you- I have always been the fat kid. In college, the Lord healed parts of me that were so broken from this stigma. I feel like this time in my life is such a gift to be able to learn how to live healthier. Last night was my first meeting: It’s in a hotel and as I approached the front desk the man behind it started pointing. Apparently, he has seen a lot of confused fatties. :) There was another man looking for the meeting also, so the man behind the desk told us to “go together.” This man was much older than me and looked more scared than I did. Hahahahahha. I felt like we were three years old and going to play group without our mommies for the first time. Well, we made it and while most of the people in the meeting looked like they were only 5 lbs. away from their goal, I think it will be good. There’s an online food journal where I can be a neurotic as I want about keeping track of my food intake. I am skilled at being neurotic! And I made a friend, so I feel pretty pleased about that. Here’s a little inspiration for the week from last night’s meeting: The elevator to success is broken, so you’ll have to take the stairs- one step at a time!