What a great Sunday, this Sunday is!
Hung out with the church fam for awhile.
(Getting excited for the upcoming architectural tour we are planning to take)
Shaved my legs
(Looking forward to our new bathroom/humongous shower in June!)
Watched a Gene Kelly documentary.
(I know I am nerdy, but that man is S'Wonderful!)
Enjoyed fireworks down at the beach.
(It ended with some real sparkly ones... I love sparkles!)
Saw a mannequin with a wedgy.
(Trying not to think too much about how that is possible)
Ate Pockets.
(Ordered 3 ranch dressings just so I could save some extra for later)
Talked to Jaimie for awhile.
(There is something very satisfying about being friends with someone long enough to see eachothers flaws and love them all the more!)
Remembered that my drivers license says "Sluperior St." instead of Superior.
(I think it is pretty accurate though- the street where I get "Slu"rpees--Huh???Huh??)
Laughed at some drunk white girls on a balcony.
(Serenading the passersby with a rap "sing-a'long")
Made plans to have brunch tomorrow with some of my fave boys ever!
(Joe and Justin)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Fish for Dinner
Yesterday was May 22, 2009.
I got up, showered and was off to work like normal. Boss was working out of the office- finishing up a big project. I was running around doing research for him and emailing the sources I found. It was good to be busy and for something that matters. After work I wanted to go home and sleep for days. (Apparently staying up until 1am the night before and not sleeping very restfully was now taking it's tole.) However, I had this mental image of Darlene's face flashing in my mind; so I went to the gym to swim instead. There is something satisfying about jumping into a cold pool. By the end of my workout, I felt refreshed, accomplished and glad I went. On the way home, I ran into a couple friends in town for an old roommate's wedding. It was so good to see them and hear about the twists their lives have taken since graduation last year. I left them smiling and strangely craving Fish and Chips for dinner! Bizarre right?
Well, I started walking around... tying to think of a place whose fish I would trust but wasn't "sit down" (dining alone is one of my biggest fears). And I could come up with nothing! I walked a few blocks then doubled back thinking how ridiculous I was for walking all around in search of a plate of Fish and Chips. "I have food at home" I reasoned... Darlene would certainly approve of me eating a salad at home... and the money... "I surely don't need to spend the money... not to dine out by myself!" Mysteriously compelled, 20 minutes later I found myself sitting down at Rock Bottom where Lauren was my server. Having to tell the host that it was "just me" was rough and somehow thought this was an exercise in singleness; some sort of test from the Lord to learn to depend on His presence. As Lauren put my order of Fish and Chips in though, my eyes welled up with tears remembering it was the 6 month anniversary of my grandpa's death.
A flood of memories came back of Grandpa and Grandma and me sitting down to dinner at restaurant in Saint Clair Shores. Once I ordered Fish and Chips and my Grandpa made fun of me- saying how much he hated the smell of fish, but he would let his "little girl" get it anyway. From that point forward I don't think I ordered anything but Fish and Chips. It became our little joke and I couldn't help but laugh as the fish oil sunk into my finger tips. How appropriate! And truly not how I ever would have thought to commemorate the day.
I sat there through several refills of water, writing furiously in my notepad about my thoughts and feelings. Poor Lauren probably thought I was doing some sort of restaurant review or something! I left him a note with the check explaining the significance of the night, thanking him for being so nice and that my grandpa would have really liked him. (Yes, I really did leave him a note. No, it did not include my phone number. ) Of course, Journey sang "Don't Stop Believin" as I paid. No worries, I left Lauren a big tip. :)
For awhile that night I wept from the deepest place in me. In those moments, I felt convinced that nothing could be right ever again... A chapter about the strength and power of the name of Jesus came to mind from the latest book I read. At first it felt kinda silly to say His name with no request attached, but there was comfort in knowing that He was with me. More comfort than my words alone can explain. I played a Cedarville College recording from about 8 years ago and this line seems to resonate my heart "Many things about tomorrow, I may not seem to understand, but I know Who holds tomorrow and I know Who holds my hand...His presence goes before me, and I'm covered by His blood..."
Again I found that I had no options about who to run to or not.... all my friends were gone. :) So I ran into the everlasting arms of my Big Papa God. And found him there- big enough to hear me, to comfort me, to be my stability. I spent the end of my night out at the beach watching the waves crash onto the beach. I love the sound and sense of smallness I feel at the lake. (Though we should probably not mention it to my parents that I was there alone in the dark!)
I got up, showered and was off to work like normal. Boss was working out of the office- finishing up a big project. I was running around doing research for him and emailing the sources I found. It was good to be busy and for something that matters. After work I wanted to go home and sleep for days. (Apparently staying up until 1am the night before and not sleeping very restfully was now taking it's tole.) However, I had this mental image of Darlene's face flashing in my mind; so I went to the gym to swim instead. There is something satisfying about jumping into a cold pool. By the end of my workout, I felt refreshed, accomplished and glad I went. On the way home, I ran into a couple friends in town for an old roommate's wedding. It was so good to see them and hear about the twists their lives have taken since graduation last year. I left them smiling and strangely craving Fish and Chips for dinner! Bizarre right?
Well, I started walking around... tying to think of a place whose fish I would trust but wasn't "sit down" (dining alone is one of my biggest fears). And I could come up with nothing! I walked a few blocks then doubled back thinking how ridiculous I was for walking all around in search of a plate of Fish and Chips. "I have food at home" I reasoned... Darlene would certainly approve of me eating a salad at home... and the money... "I surely don't need to spend the money... not to dine out by myself!" Mysteriously compelled, 20 minutes later I found myself sitting down at Rock Bottom where Lauren was my server. Having to tell the host that it was "just me" was rough and somehow thought this was an exercise in singleness; some sort of test from the Lord to learn to depend on His presence. As Lauren put my order of Fish and Chips in though, my eyes welled up with tears remembering it was the 6 month anniversary of my grandpa's death.
A flood of memories came back of Grandpa and Grandma and me sitting down to dinner at restaurant in Saint Clair Shores. Once I ordered Fish and Chips and my Grandpa made fun of me- saying how much he hated the smell of fish, but he would let his "little girl" get it anyway. From that point forward I don't think I ordered anything but Fish and Chips. It became our little joke and I couldn't help but laugh as the fish oil sunk into my finger tips. How appropriate! And truly not how I ever would have thought to commemorate the day.
I sat there through several refills of water, writing furiously in my notepad about my thoughts and feelings. Poor Lauren probably thought I was doing some sort of restaurant review or something! I left him a note with the check explaining the significance of the night, thanking him for being so nice and that my grandpa would have really liked him. (Yes, I really did leave him a note. No, it did not include my phone number. ) Of course, Journey sang "Don't Stop Believin" as I paid. No worries, I left Lauren a big tip. :)
For awhile that night I wept from the deepest place in me. In those moments, I felt convinced that nothing could be right ever again... A chapter about the strength and power of the name of Jesus came to mind from the latest book I read. At first it felt kinda silly to say His name with no request attached, but there was comfort in knowing that He was with me. More comfort than my words alone can explain. I played a Cedarville College recording from about 8 years ago and this line seems to resonate my heart "Many things about tomorrow, I may not seem to understand, but I know Who holds tomorrow and I know Who holds my hand...His presence goes before me, and I'm covered by His blood..."
Again I found that I had no options about who to run to or not.... all my friends were gone. :) So I ran into the everlasting arms of my Big Papa God. And found him there- big enough to hear me, to comfort me, to be my stability. I spent the end of my night out at the beach watching the waves crash onto the beach. I love the sound and sense of smallness I feel at the lake. (Though we should probably not mention it to my parents that I was there alone in the dark!)
LORD,
Thank You for giving me so many years with Grandpa! Thank you for his stories. Thank you for saving him and changing him. Thank you for the assurance that he is with You right now. I'm so grateful for all the jokes and time spent together; for all the life lessons and projects we worked on in the garage together; and for all the times I ate fish and chips with him too!
Thank You for giving me so many years with Grandpa! Thank you for his stories. Thank you for saving him and changing him. Thank you for the assurance that he is with You right now. I'm so grateful for all the jokes and time spent together; for all the life lessons and projects we worked on in the garage together; and for all the times I ate fish and chips with him too!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Let His Heart Guide Yours!
Thanks to Alli for this master stroke!
Here's a few faves from "my" profile. :) HAHA!
Body art:
I have other hidden piercings;
I have hidden tattoos.
Which of the following descriptions most closely expresses your religious views/preferences:
Seventh-day Adventists
I speak these languages:
African languages;
American Sign Language;
Polish.
My current situation regarding pets:
I have reptile(s);
I have a fish aquarium;
I am allergic to animal dander.
Sports I enjoy watching (in person or on TV):
Billiards, pool;
Bowling;
Hockey;
Martial Arts.
Sports I enjoy participating in:
Dancing;
Racquet sports;
Swimming.
I am in a:
Band
Some of my interests / activities that I enjoy are:
Opera;
Church activities;
Hobbies, crafts, collections;
Antiques;
Business networking/MLM;
Scrapbooking;
Versify. (I don't even know what this is!!!!)
Regarding water activities, I like:
Fishing;
Scuba diving.
What I watch most often on TV:
Soaps
My favorite styles of music are:
Contemporary Christian;
Heavy metal;
Cajun / Zydeco;
Native American;
Show tunes.
My favorite local hot spot is:
Toes
My three favorite songs are:
1.Do You Believe in Love After Love (Cher);
2.I Love Technology (Napoleon Dynamite);
3.Just Around the Riverbend (Pocahontas).
Other than music, a sound I like is:
Pollution
A sound I dislike is:
Children's Laughter
I have a strong allegiance to:
Obama and the GOP
Type of movie I do NOT enjoy:
Ones that come out of the mire of Hollywood
I prefer the beauty of:
Rainbows
Some people might think there are too many _______(s) in my home, but I like having them:
Gnomes
My favorite holiday is:
Christopher Columbus Day
because:
in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue
Something I tend to procrastinate doing because I don't like doing it is:
Bathing
My favorite comedy movie is:
Veggie Tales
The movie that I think best displays how I want love / romance to be in my own life is:
The Godfather
Something I like and wish I were better at doing is:
Clogging
Something I really dislike doing is:
The sun stare
I feel:
Safer because of rules
My favorite flower is:
Cactus flower
Someone I admire who has been a world leader during the last 50 years is:
George W Bush
because:
he wasn't Bill Clinton
The country I would most like to visit is:
Nova Scotia
because:
to meet Gilbert Blythe
My favorite male singer is:
Clay Aiken
My favorite female singer is:
Shakira
The trait I most value in men is:
Ability to sprout hair
The trait I most value in women is:
Our discernment
The kind of people I dislike are people who:
Litter bugs
The kind of books I most enjoy reading are:
Career-related information;
Sci Fi;
Romance.
I read my Bible:
Usually just at Christmas or Easter
My favorite old hymn is:
This Little Light of Mine
The Bible character I am most like is:
Jepthah
because:
don't ask
I get inspired, when I see:
Men!
When it comes to decision-making for a couple:
I consider both people's opinions/desires but ultimately believe the decision should be decided by the man as head of the family
The Christian Web sites I visit at least once a month are:
helpmeiamsingle.com
A description of my idea of a Christian husband is (answer, regardless of whether you are male or a female):
Hairy!!
A description of my idea of a Christian wife is (answer, regardless of whether you are male or a female):
Submissive
My first response to trouble is usually:
how did i get into this mess?
My second response to trouble is usually:
who can i blame it on? (Alli)
I believe a couple talking together about relationship problems:
Can create new problems
The top three influences I pay attention to when I form an opinion on an important issue:
1.People Magazine;
2.Sexy Wechsey;
3.Papa Shaw.
I have been a Christian:
For more than 20 years
The percentage of my social activities and friends revolve around church approximately is:
93%
The most recent Christian book I read (or am currently reading), other than the Bible is:
The KJV, only
The Christian magazines (either print or online) I read on a regular basis are:
Clubhouse Jr.
I am involved in the following leadership positions in my church:
Potluck Planner
Here is a description of how I met my best friend:
we met our first day of undergrad
What I like most of all about my best friend is:
She is ssssssssssssso ssssssssso funny! (She definitely got this one right!)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I love men!
Probably you're thinking that this post is going to contain my latest singles ad or something. (SWF seeking SHM...think about it!) HOWEVER, that is not the intent of this post.
I love my Dad
For some reason my sister's relationship/engagement has also really shaken how I feel about my relationship with my Dad. I am a bizarre tangle of emotions sometimes. The only thing I can really figure is that much of my connection with my Dad I find in fact that I am the oldest and we have spent a fair bit of time figuring stuff out together. I tried once or twice on Saturday but I wasn't really feeling too brave. Finally on phone call #3 I was ready; weeping with battery of questions like: "Are you proud of me?" Do you think I'm a failure?" Questions like these that are totally absurd- especially if you know my Dad! He loves each of his girls like crazy! I really needed to hear his reassurance though.
It was such a good conversation because my Dad made me feel so safe. That I could be as needy as I wanted and he would just take care of me. I feel that is an inadequate description, but needless to say it is much different than the kind of "taking care" your Mom does when you're sick. That's one reason I really love my Dad. I love his strength and bravery and "linebacker-ness" (I quite possible just made up that word!)
I love Pastors
Also, here at MBI there are rather ALOT of men this week for Pastor's Conference. Basically there has not been a place with this much plaid, khakis, belts and loafers since I don't know when! I passed by the auditorium when they were singing praise songs yesterday. There was something about it that gave me goosebumps....a bunch of Pastors who are no doubt exhausted finding refuge in their God together. Also, it's a bonus that the whole campus smells like cologne and aftershave. :) I think it would be super great to work in a place that took care of tired Pastors.... maybe like a bed and breakfast retreat, maybe like planning conferences to refresh them, maybe like making fresh new resources more available especially to pastors of churches overseas, the possibilities are ENDLESS.....
I love all men
Also I like the jokes men tell. Most of which are CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESEY! I love that they throw it out there and are delighted when/if you laugh.
Also, I like that men understand and appreciate the Godfather. Kaits and I started watching it last night. We had it at our house for 3 weeks! It was time to watch it and send it back to Netflix. We started it real excited, but the beginning is slow.... no offense Brando, but you're (ehhhhh.. scratch, scratch my chin) killing me! Violence is addictive and I was getting into it- even found a couple quotable lines. Kaits was real tired and fell asleep so I ended up turning it off. I feel like it is the kind of movie meant to be experienced with someone else you know? I do want to finish it sometime; with a man though I think. The "You've Got Mail" version of the Godfather is probably good enough for me, but I love to watch when men really get into something and am always surprised by the significance or humor they see in things. Confession: Despite not being quite so Italian as the Corleone's, I felt proud to be Italian and even have some Sicilian blood in me. Glad that I come from a place that appreciates a good cannoli and that I knew what an insult it is to call someone a "dego." (Thanks Grandpa!)
Random News From Me Since My Last Post:
I got a twitter (I don't know why- probably because Joe told me to)!
I say things backwards (ie-13 x 9 pan)!
I have a hair on my chin that is driving me crazy right now because it needs to be plucked!
I don't know why everything is so exciting (ie- all the exclamation points)!
I love my Dad
For some reason my sister's relationship/engagement has also really shaken how I feel about my relationship with my Dad. I am a bizarre tangle of emotions sometimes. The only thing I can really figure is that much of my connection with my Dad I find in fact that I am the oldest and we have spent a fair bit of time figuring stuff out together. I tried once or twice on Saturday but I wasn't really feeling too brave. Finally on phone call #3 I was ready; weeping with battery of questions like: "Are you proud of me?" Do you think I'm a failure?" Questions like these that are totally absurd- especially if you know my Dad! He loves each of his girls like crazy! I really needed to hear his reassurance though.
It was such a good conversation because my Dad made me feel so safe. That I could be as needy as I wanted and he would just take care of me. I feel that is an inadequate description, but needless to say it is much different than the kind of "taking care" your Mom does when you're sick. That's one reason I really love my Dad. I love his strength and bravery and "linebacker-ness" (I quite possible just made up that word!)
I love Pastors
Also, here at MBI there are rather ALOT of men this week for Pastor's Conference. Basically there has not been a place with this much plaid, khakis, belts and loafers since I don't know when! I passed by the auditorium when they were singing praise songs yesterday. There was something about it that gave me goosebumps....a bunch of Pastors who are no doubt exhausted finding refuge in their God together. Also, it's a bonus that the whole campus smells like cologne and aftershave. :) I think it would be super great to work in a place that took care of tired Pastors.... maybe like a bed and breakfast retreat, maybe like planning conferences to refresh them, maybe like making fresh new resources more available especially to pastors of churches overseas, the possibilities are ENDLESS.....
I love all men
Also I like the jokes men tell. Most of which are CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESEY! I love that they throw it out there and are delighted when/if you laugh.
Also, I like that men understand and appreciate the Godfather. Kaits and I started watching it last night. We had it at our house for 3 weeks! It was time to watch it and send it back to Netflix. We started it real excited, but the beginning is slow.... no offense Brando, but you're (ehhhhh.. scratch, scratch my chin) killing me! Violence is addictive and I was getting into it- even found a couple quotable lines. Kaits was real tired and fell asleep so I ended up turning it off. I feel like it is the kind of movie meant to be experienced with someone else you know? I do want to finish it sometime; with a man though I think. The "You've Got Mail" version of the Godfather is probably good enough for me, but I love to watch when men really get into something and am always surprised by the significance or humor they see in things. Confession: Despite not being quite so Italian as the Corleone's, I felt proud to be Italian and even have some Sicilian blood in me. Glad that I come from a place that appreciates a good cannoli and that I knew what an insult it is to call someone a "dego." (Thanks Grandpa!)
Random News From Me Since My Last Post:
I got a twitter (I don't know why- probably because Joe told me to)!
I say things backwards (ie-13 x 9 pan)!
I have a hair on my chin that is driving me crazy right now because it needs to be plucked!
I don't know why everything is so exciting (ie- all the exclamation points)!
Monday, May 18, 2009
DESK DRAWERS
I cleaned out my desk in preparation for the move across the plaza to my new job, boss and office and here's what I found:
A rubber band ball
Pretty normal office item, but so fun!
My spare Moody ID
Would never want to be caught without wearing one of these babies "in the zone!"
Variety of hand lotions
To help the office aroma after I have downed an everything bagel.
Here's where it starts to get bizarre!
A purple purse
I used to store important papers in this while I was living as a nomad!
Important Papers
Such as my rental agreement with Public Storage!
And a Mailer from Dwight Edwards himself-the man, the legend!
A Dirty Plate
A rubber band ball
Pretty normal office item, but so fun!
My spare Moody ID
Would never want to be caught without wearing one of these babies "in the zone!"
Variety of hand lotions
To help the office aroma after I have downed an everything bagel.
Here's where it starts to get bizarre!
A purple purse
I used to store important papers in this while I was living as a nomad!
Important Papers
Such as my rental agreement with Public Storage!
And a Mailer from Dwight Edwards himself-the man, the legend!
And the scrap of paper I was "taking a message" on when he called me that one time!
Travel Guides for Nova Scotia
Let's just say I was ready to leave at a moments notice- with or without Dr. Hockey!
A Dirty Plate
Look familar Abbey??? This is from last summer when I was eating Italian sausage for evey meal.... It really seemed like such a good idea at the time!
Charles in Charge, Scott Baio and Bob Loblaw
We had alot of workout videos in my house growing up. Sweatin' to the Oldies, Tony Little, God's Kids, and some other doosies. The most motivational one featured Scott Baio as the host. I don't remember the name of it, but you had to move like spaghetti and balance a bean bag and other fun things.
A couple weeks ago I discovered that http://www.nbc.com/ has old episodes of "Charles in Charge" available to watch. I loved that show when I was little! What could be better than Scott Baio every afternoon? Here's a little known trivia fact about Charles in Charge that I know thanks to my mother: The guy who played Charles' best friend "Buddy" got saved and now plays the part of 'Bibleman.'
Well, last night, as Adam and I were watching Arrested Development... Bob Loblaw came on.... who is none other than Scott Baio! It was such a hysterical surprise! 
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The One Where My Sister Gets Engaged
There once was a time when I was SUPER emotional all the time. (Maybe it seems that this is that one time, but believe me.... it was way worse! :) hahahaa.) Thankfully, that has balanced out a bit. I still have pretty deep emotional reactions to things, but I have learned to manage them for the most part. My timing about these emotional things could not be worse though; always when all my friends are gone! Somehow I am convinced that this is divine. Part of the Almighty's plan to keep me running to Him I think. Tricky.... but incredibly gracious on His part. :)
Today was the graduation at Moody Bible Institute. Liz, Weston, Sarah, Thom and some others I know and love graduated today. It was fun watching them walk across the stage. At one point, they asked for any alums of the Institute to stand.... and so I stood. WEIRD! One year since I graduated...How did that even happen??!! I was caught up in the emotion of standing among others who had graduated before me and whole legacy of SO many men and women over the decades serving the Lord faithfully. It really is SUCH an honor to be a grad of MBI. The speaker was Janet Parshall. She was good... a little politically intense for me, but that's her job I guess. It was ironic that I was so much more attentive this year to the speaker. Last year, I am embarrassed to say, that I fell asleep during my own graduation! As I sat there this year I was in crisis mode... "I am still in the same place it seems.... Mother Moody.... what am I doing with my life?" At least last year when I didn't know what I was doing, there was some comfort in the fact that I was just graduating and it would take time to settle-nobody expected me to have it all figured out yet. There is not as much grace for the alumni who doesn't have a vision and goals for the future. Oh man! Also there were a couple of references that Janet made to God changing the path her life was going to take- from international missions to advocacy in Washington D.C. I had a moment when she was talking about God's plan being better than the one you have set up that I thought, "Please no Lord.... are you seriously asking me to be single forever???" It was a comedic moment I sometimes have when I want to have at least some kind of calling-even if it's not my preference. I know that is not the real issue or question that needs to be answered. Right now God is asking me to be single for today, not for a lifetime. I cannot handle it when I think about it that way.
After graduation, I saw everyone long enough to give them hugs and then I left. It felt strange not to have a job or any responsibilities---last year was such a blur of packing and cleaning. It was sad though that so many of my friends were moving out and on with their lives. Liz moved to Grand Rapids today in fact. It is not so dramatic- like I will never see her again, but so sad-that I won't see her so much anymore.
Last night my sister got engaged. I almost cannot believe this even though it's been coming for a bit now.... My sister has a ring on her finger and is planning a wedding! I am so happy and excited for her, but it still seems surreal. When did we grow up? "Sunrise! Sunset!" haha. Lest I be dishonest, it has been rough for me the past few months to reckon that my sister is moving into a new phase of life before me. I never realized how important and precious it is to me that I am the oldest. In so many ways it is a sense of identity- I am the leader, the doer, the decision maker, etc. and here I am getting passed up by little sis. I guess I took for granted that accomplishing these rites of passage first would be my "birthright." Really though, I am not entitled to that timeline or even the events themselves. It is a loss though of sorts... yet one more example of how my life has not turned out the way I thought it would.
More than anything I am sure the Lord is holding out bread for me to eat tonight... He wants to provide for me; satisfy this very real hunger I have. And even though I love the sound of that, I am such a snob at heart. It seems that I would rather pig out on delights like chocolate and ice cream and cake- sugar that will make me sick right after it gives me a buzz.
It's a confusing thing for me because part of me wants to respond that it is an issue of value. That I don't value Jesus enough to not want anything else...sex, children, stability, etc. But the other part of me knows that there are plenty of people who love Jesus getting all those things. I'm just asking to be one of them! I want to wrap this up with some glorious revelation that will help millions of singles out there come to terms... but alas, I am stumped.
What would be wrong with the Lord providing a husband rather than shelter under His wings? What would be wrong with the Lord giving me a clear vision for the future rather than giving grace to wait patiently and walk one step at a time? What would be wrong with all my dear friends being called to the same city to do ministry and life together? I guess nothing... except that is obviously not God's plan for my life at the present. I can't help but be a little hurt about this... like a pouty child who wants dessert, but no dinner.
Today was the graduation at Moody Bible Institute. Liz, Weston, Sarah, Thom and some others I know and love graduated today. It was fun watching them walk across the stage. At one point, they asked for any alums of the Institute to stand.... and so I stood. WEIRD! One year since I graduated...How did that even happen??!! I was caught up in the emotion of standing among others who had graduated before me and whole legacy of SO many men and women over the decades serving the Lord faithfully. It really is SUCH an honor to be a grad of MBI. The speaker was Janet Parshall. She was good... a little politically intense for me, but that's her job I guess. It was ironic that I was so much more attentive this year to the speaker. Last year, I am embarrassed to say, that I fell asleep during my own graduation! As I sat there this year I was in crisis mode... "I am still in the same place it seems.... Mother Moody.... what am I doing with my life?" At least last year when I didn't know what I was doing, there was some comfort in the fact that I was just graduating and it would take time to settle-nobody expected me to have it all figured out yet. There is not as much grace for the alumni who doesn't have a vision and goals for the future. Oh man! Also there were a couple of references that Janet made to God changing the path her life was going to take- from international missions to advocacy in Washington D.C. I had a moment when she was talking about God's plan being better than the one you have set up that I thought, "Please no Lord.... are you seriously asking me to be single forever???" It was a comedic moment I sometimes have when I want to have at least some kind of calling-even if it's not my preference. I know that is not the real issue or question that needs to be answered. Right now God is asking me to be single for today, not for a lifetime. I cannot handle it when I think about it that way.
After graduation, I saw everyone long enough to give them hugs and then I left. It felt strange not to have a job or any responsibilities---last year was such a blur of packing and cleaning. It was sad though that so many of my friends were moving out and on with their lives. Liz moved to Grand Rapids today in fact. It is not so dramatic- like I will never see her again, but so sad-that I won't see her so much anymore.
Last night my sister got engaged. I almost cannot believe this even though it's been coming for a bit now.... My sister has a ring on her finger and is planning a wedding! I am so happy and excited for her, but it still seems surreal. When did we grow up? "Sunrise! Sunset!" haha. Lest I be dishonest, it has been rough for me the past few months to reckon that my sister is moving into a new phase of life before me. I never realized how important and precious it is to me that I am the oldest. In so many ways it is a sense of identity- I am the leader, the doer, the decision maker, etc. and here I am getting passed up by little sis. I guess I took for granted that accomplishing these rites of passage first would be my "birthright." Really though, I am not entitled to that timeline or even the events themselves. It is a loss though of sorts... yet one more example of how my life has not turned out the way I thought it would.
More than anything I am sure the Lord is holding out bread for me to eat tonight... He wants to provide for me; satisfy this very real hunger I have. And even though I love the sound of that, I am such a snob at heart. It seems that I would rather pig out on delights like chocolate and ice cream and cake- sugar that will make me sick right after it gives me a buzz.
It's a confusing thing for me because part of me wants to respond that it is an issue of value. That I don't value Jesus enough to not want anything else...sex, children, stability, etc. But the other part of me knows that there are plenty of people who love Jesus getting all those things. I'm just asking to be one of them! I want to wrap this up with some glorious revelation that will help millions of singles out there come to terms... but alas, I am stumped.
What would be wrong with the Lord providing a husband rather than shelter under His wings? What would be wrong with the Lord giving me a clear vision for the future rather than giving grace to wait patiently and walk one step at a time? What would be wrong with all my dear friends being called to the same city to do ministry and life together? I guess nothing... except that is obviously not God's plan for my life at the present. I can't help but be a little hurt about this... like a pouty child who wants dessert, but no dinner.
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