The One Where My Sister Gets Engaged

There once was a time when I was SUPER emotional all the time. (Maybe it seems that this is that one time, but believe me.... it was way worse! :) hahahaa.) Thankfully, that has balanced out a bit. I still have pretty deep emotional reactions to things, but I have learned to manage them for the most part. My timing about these emotional things could not be worse though; always when all my friends are gone! Somehow I am convinced that this is divine. Part of the Almighty's plan to keep me running to Him I think. Tricky.... but incredibly gracious on His part. :)

Today was the graduation at Moody Bible Institute. Liz, Weston, Sarah, Thom and some others I know and love graduated today. It was fun watching them walk across the stage. At one point, they asked for any alums of the Institute to stand.... and so I stood. WEIRD! One year since I graduated...How did that even happen??!! I was caught up in the emotion of standing among others who had graduated before me and whole legacy of SO many men and women over the decades serving the Lord faithfully. It really is SUCH an honor to be a grad of MBI. The speaker was Janet Parshall. She was good... a little politically intense for me, but that's her job I guess. It was ironic that I was so much more attentive this year to the speaker. Last year, I am embarrassed to say, that I fell asleep during my own graduation! As I sat there this year I was in crisis mode... "I am still in the same place it seems.... Mother Moody.... what am I doing with my life?" At least last year when I didn't know what I was doing, there was some comfort in the fact that I was just graduating and it would take time to settle-nobody expected me to have it all figured out yet. There is not as much grace for the alumni who doesn't have a vision and goals for the future. Oh man! Also there were a couple of references that Janet made to God changing the path her life was going to take- from international missions to advocacy in Washington D.C. I had a moment when she was talking about God's plan being better than the one you have set up that I thought, "Please no Lord.... are you seriously asking me to be single forever???" It was a comedic moment I sometimes have when I want to have at least some kind of calling-even if it's not my preference. I know that is not the real issue or question that needs to be answered. Right now God is asking me to be single for today, not for a lifetime. I cannot handle it when I think about it that way.

After graduation, I saw everyone long enough to give them hugs and then I left. It felt strange not to have a job or any responsibilities---last year was such a blur of packing and cleaning. It was sad though that so many of my friends were moving out and on with their lives. Liz moved to Grand Rapids today in fact. It is not so dramatic- like I will never see her again, but so sad-that I won't see her so much anymore.

Last night my sister got engaged. I almost cannot believe this even though it's been coming for a bit now.... My sister has a ring on her finger and is planning a wedding! I am so happy and excited for her, but it still seems surreal. When did we grow up? "Sunrise! Sunset!" haha. Lest I be dishonest, it has been rough for me the past few months to reckon that my sister is moving into a new phase of life before me. I never realized how important and precious it is to me that I am the oldest. In so many ways it is a sense of identity- I am the leader, the doer, the decision maker, etc. and here I am getting passed up by little sis. I guess I took for granted that accomplishing these rites of passage first would be my "birthright." Really though, I am not entitled to that timeline or even the events themselves. It is a loss though of sorts... yet one more example of how my life has not turned out the way I thought it would.

More than anything I am sure the Lord is holding out bread for me to eat tonight... He wants to provide for me; satisfy this very real hunger I have. And even though I love the sound of that, I am such a snob at heart. It seems that I would rather pig out on delights like chocolate and ice cream and cake- sugar that will make me sick right after it gives me a buzz.

It's a confusing thing for me because part of me wants to respond that it is an issue of value. That I don't value Jesus enough to not want anything else...sex, children, stability, etc. But the other part of me knows that there are plenty of people who love Jesus getting all those things. I'm just asking to be one of them! I want to wrap this up with some glorious revelation that will help millions of singles out there come to terms... but alas, I am stumped.

What would be wrong with the Lord providing a husband rather than shelter under His wings? What would be wrong with the Lord giving me a clear vision for the future rather than giving grace to wait patiently and walk one step at a time? What would be wrong with all my dear friends being called to the same city to do ministry and life together? I guess nothing... except that is obviously not God's plan for my life at the present. I can't help but be a little hurt about this... like a pouty child who wants dessert, but no dinner.