Who Am I?

The title of this post reminds me of Zoolander and makes me laugh... I wish that this weekend's identity crisis was as funny as that... and that I was as "ridiculously good-looking." :)

Not sure what brought this on, but I have been struggling with who I am and where I fit. hahaha. Reading that statement back makes me laugh because it sounds like it is such a unique struggle. Anyway, I guess being human brought that on.

I'm not the kinda girl that tends to put much stock in style or fashion or cars or money or fame or any of that materialistic stuff. Which makes me sound like a super amazingly spiritual person.... BUT I am realizing that instead too much of my identity is wrapped up in relationships to people. Which honestly explains so much about why I cannot handle when people are upset with me or feel shaken when I haven't connected with a certain person in awhile and why I frequently ask people if they are mad at me even if I have no earthly reason as to why they would be. If you thought that your identity was in jeopardy, you would freak out too.

Today was a sad one for me. Yesterday was 9 months since my Grandpa passed away and I did everything I could to avoid thinking about it... even walked 11 miles. This morning I watched Evita (one of those movies I was never allowed to watch that I finally wanted to see; only to say I saw it like the rest of the world) and it was sad. As the credits rolled, tears started to fill my eyes.... it really captured how death steals those we love away from us before we want and that made me think of my Grandpa and before I knew it the Kleenex box beside me was empty. I called my Mom after I pulled myself together and instantly she said- "What's wrong? It sounds like you've been crying." And again I lost it- this time blowing through a roll of toilet paper. I was still sad but also, there was something so wonderful about being known like that...something I am so far away from...something that I long for intensely.

It's not that I expect anyone to love me like my Momma- I know she has a particularly sweet love for me since she spent 24 hours in labor with me. Thanks Mom! It's just that no matter how good of a friend I have here- at any moment they could move out of my life... They could decide it would be easier to hang out with someone else, or move away or be really busy or start a relationship/get married or any number of other things. And I get it- I am the same way in other people's lives. We have no commitment to eachother necessarily, there's no vow we've taken. That leaves me feeling very unstable and I hate it. It is my deepest fear to be left alone.... to not be picked.... to be unwanted and unloved and unneeded and this instability leaves me vulnerable to that. This sends me into a panic for a solution.

It seems that authority should bring the kind of stucture that I am missing in my life. It links you irreversibly to someone else. Who is my authority though.... My parents, myself, my church, Moody, my friends? It seems ideal that whoever my authority is, I could depend on for my identity. If my parents, then I can forever remain Marianne and Leo's daughter. If I were married to Denzel Wahington, I could forever be Denzel's wife. And while we could say that these things are true (hypothetically), it doesn't necessary define me. No one in Chicago knows my parents and can know me without even meeting them. Also, as much I love Denzel... I would hate to be his wife only. I am far too opinionated for that. And Denzel is getting old anyway...what if we never get the chance to meet and get married for real? :) So that is not a profitable way to determine my significance, however I would like to solve this authority delimma sometime. (Maybe I am the only one, but it is something that I think about alot.... Like maybe we Western people are freedom crazy and it would be better to have a clear, firm authority structure. Would boundaries really be so oppressive?)

Another way I measure my worth is the role that I play- I am used to being the fat one, the funny one, the mothering one, the know it all, etc. Honestly, those are not good measures... what happens when I am not feeling funny? When mother cannot find a solution? When I don't know it all? Pressure and stress and disappointment in myself. That's what happens. Losing weight in the past 7 months has made this struggle evident- I still am significantly overweight, but the higher the number of pounds lost goes the more it threatens "who I am." What if I no longer have that to hide behind and find that there's no other place for me to fit in? At least I know that I can be "the fat one." And wouldn't that be better than "the forgotten one" anyway?

Bottom line: Whether it is intentional, like choosing to spend time with someone else or unintentional, like dying; there are no guarentees that anyone will be with me beyond this moment.

Today I was listening to LeCrae's song "Identity" and was convicted that "identity is found in the God we trust, any other identity will self destruct."

That is a harsh reality check for me. Harsh for two reasons: 1. I know that I am not living that way fully right now and therefore require change. 2. It is not nearly as instantly gratifying to trust in the unseen.


2nd Bottom Line: This post solved nothing and that is annoying! However, I feel a little better that it's out of my head. However, I also feel insecure that you may be reading this thinking I am a lunatic. However, you don't define me anyway... so I don't care. :)

Per'don Senior!

It was 7AM and I should've been up but was instead reaching out to hit snooze once again. Somehow I realized that it wasn't my alarm- actually it was a phone call. Surely no one who knew me at any level would risk that. Carolina, PR flashed on my cell phone screen and I ignorantly assumed that meant it was a PR number since I didn't recognize that state. :) Later tonight I remembered and decided to call the number to see who it was. A confused man with a fake sounding Spanish accent answered. Who is this? I half demanded, half laughed. The moment I heard him speak I thought it was some friends of mine who had pranked me a few years ago. They left me a couple months worth of voicemails that would send me into a tizzy of delight everytime (as my poor roommate can attest). The man kept saying "I no tell" in response to my question. That kinda creeped me out- not gonna lie. "Good job guys" I thought, "but this time I'm too smart." I looked up the number on whitepages.com and found to my amazement that I had just called PUERTO RICO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, Basilio Vasallo Mejias...per'don senior!

Part 1

Need. Want. Hope. Desire. WANT!
Need. Want. Hope. Desire. WANT!
raging...
shaking...
craving...
salivating...
agitating...
frustrating...
stirring...
alluring...
burning...
blurring....
passion in me with a fury.

Now growling and howling for MORE
Why didn't I kill this BEFORE?
guess I never believed it was really POSSIBLE
assumed it was part of being us
that lust would pester us
and the enemy would lie to us
until it finally got the best of us

Tormented in my brokenness
Finally acknowledging the cost of this
one choice
Every time I make this
one choice

I want to hold fast
but my body has put me on blast
not content with the replacements
refusing to hear the reasons
The lies of the enemy
echo and bellow silently
how easy it would be for me
if I would just give in, I'd be free?

so patiently it waits for me
so patiently
STILL it waits for me

IF I GIVE IN
it brings the LORD shame
and profanes His name
when I was created to bring Him alone fame
How can I do this thing?
How can I not?
How can I do this thing?
How can I not?

LORD, Why won't You
take this?
stop this?
block this?

Recollections

"Recollections" is the ringtone that is currently set as the alarm on my new phone. This may make me a whole new level of geeky-- but I am really excited about it. Here's the new phone number: 312-882-1111. It's still Verizon and I do have some texting. Which is pretty great since my new phone has a flip open keyboard. New level mastered! :)

Here are some other recollections from recent days (that all involve my health strangely):
Mental Health: Tuesday after work I called and left myself voicemails of things I forgot to do. You did read that correctly- I left multiple messages. I even said hello to myself and "ok, bye" at the end of the message. WOW! Friendly reminder....

Physical Health: I lost 2 more pounds at the Weight Watchers.... grand total of 27. Only 3 more till I get my award! :) I am so motivated by prizes! I was borrowing Dave and Joscey's van the other night and so I ventured out to Stanley's. I was making good choices- looking for deals when I came across these deformed tomatoes. I made fun of them (in my head) calling them cone head tomatoes, etc. Then I looked up to the sign and it read "Michigan Tomatoes." I bought one of the little rejects... loyal to Michigan. even if they do make strange shaped tomatoes. Also, I ate tofu for the first time. It was not that bad... it was sour cream tofu or something like that.

Emotional Health: It has been a tightrope walk this week. I have times when I feel full and alive; that somehow give way to playing the role of a victim/martyr. To be honest, I think that it has to do with the war raging inside my heart and mind right now. The things I learned at Legacy are being put to the test now. It feels harder to remember the truths about Jesus when the lust of the flesh is pulling all the old familiar tricks. It feels harder to stand strong when the enemy's lies sound so sweet with self pity and promise so much instant satisfaction.

Hip Hop Happy

Before starting this, I would like to take a minute to clarify that this post is written because of my love for the church and the diversity of the body of Christ. It is written in celebration of truth being communicated in many different ways so that we can all get it, hear it, live it. I'm not black, I cannot dance and I don't know much about hip hop; so in some ways I feel unqualified to write this. If I say something in this post that sounds insensitive to those who are black or do know how to dance or do know alot about hip hop; I would like to apologize for my ignorance and ask that you help me. Your feedback is welcomed.

I own one LaCrae CD- the one he sold me when he rapped at our church a few years ago. I like it- know most all the words- get in the mood to listen to it sometimes. That's about where my knowledge of hip hop ends. Last night there was a concert with LaCrae and Flame and Trip Lee. Admittedly, I went because I think those guys are cool; not because I knew all their songs and wanted to throw them up to the Lord together, definitely not because I wanted to mosh in the crowd that gathered in the front of Torrey-Grey. As I stood in the back of the auditorium watching the concert I felt a rush of emotions that was more than the result of a good beat.

The content of their music is truly impressive. It is the Word of God and how it applies to every day. It doesn't dress up the Christian life into some kind of water park lazy river but instead affirms that the white water rapids category 3 trip is worth it because of Who Jesus is.

The music itself has such a consistent cadence about it. You hear these loaded verses and then a chorus that simply sums it all up. The choruses are usually what gets stuck in my head, playing on a loop. The repetition of it helps to cement the truth until it becomes a kind of mantra. I need that so much sometimes... a mantra of truth to replace old thinking patterns. The words in these songs (communicated in such an easy to pick up way) are such a powerful discipleship tool that comes alongside what the church is already telling so many of their young people. How great is it that we were all walking out singing about not wanting to "waste our life, life life"... that so many people were reaffirming their commitment to evangelism shouting "go hard"... that some were offering their lives to Christ's service proclaiming "send me, I'll go." I don't know about you, but those are the kind of phrases I need to get stuck in my head more often.

Another thing that I love about hip hop music is how it moves you. It does motivate to action, but it's also real hard to not bob your head or bounce your shoulders when listening to it. Flashbacks from Bhangra class remind me that even though you are feeling the beat, it DOES NOT mean that your body is cooperating. I felt a little jealous last night that me trying to "get loose" would only look like the funniest youtube video today. Maybe I'm just not brave enough, but when I got home I let it go. :) I loved watching the crowd and even the guys on stage move as one- shoulders back, hands in the air. It seemed that somehow in their bodies moving together an important redefining work was happening. The "norm" that may usually be stuff that not so great was being transformed into something really good. Sending a message that following Jesus may mean that you are alienated from some, but you are not left without a group. To see these believers come together made me want to cheer.

It made me think about the kids who have been coming over here. They run together like a family and if one of them got serious about the Lord, who would be there for them? Who would be their family? Would the church step up? I think that's what made me so emotional yesterday when I saw the boys hanging out with the older guys. It wasn't that they saw a man that loved the Lord only, but that they saw a group of guys who are cool, getting each others back and loving Jesus together. That is a powerful message! Yeah for the church!

Sometimes I have no idea what words mean in hip hop music though. For example, could someone tell me what it means to "get krunk!"? Or how about "thizzard", "on chrome"? I do know what "hit a lick" means now thanks to the kids, but that was the other strong emotion last night provoked. I don't necessarily need to know what those words mean, since I don't talk like that. Unlike dancing, I never have a desire to use the vocab in the rap songs. However, I was really excited last night that people who did know what that meant were hearing truth in their "own language" so to speak. Maybe it's my interest in missions and contextualization of the Gospel, but from the style to the wording- the songs LaCrae and others are putting out communicate the truth to their audience without them needing to translate it. I think that's so incredibly beautiful and I long to see that happen in other people groups around the world and styles around the country and specific neighborhood cultures around this city! LaCrae, the 116 Clique, etc do this so well and I was praising God for giving us each a different story, vocabulary, race, culture and still be able to come together IN HIS NAME, FOR HIS GLORY. Amen!

A Roaster Pan Legacy

Last night at 9:30pm I had this sudden recollection that a whole bunch of people were coming to my house to eat dinner before the Legacy Conference evening session the next day. It's not that I had forgot they were coming- I just overlooked the fact that in order for them to eat something at my house I needed to go shopping and probably it would be a good idea to clean the apt. also. After buying every heavy item the grocery store could sell me- for serious I do not know how I always buy the heaviest items- I waited for the bus. A few minutes later I was flailing my arm in the air, aluminum roaster pan in hand. When I got in the taxi the man said- I have never been hailed by a roaster pan before. :) So glad I could be the first! I got back from Jewel around 10:15 and launched into a frenzy or chopping veggies, melting chocolate for puppy chow, cleaning my bathroom, etc. The puppy chow was a fiasco of epic proportions. I know I abused that word in the last post so you probably don't believe me, but if you never believe another word I say- believe this... fiasco! I had bought the aluminum roaster since I left my puppy chow making bowl with Alli. Surley I thought that would do the trick- it even came with a lid. Having a trial in the pan with a small amount of puppy chow would be far too sensible so I dumped in whole box of cereal- following by the chocolate mixture and then dumped a whole lotta powdered sugar on top. The nano-second I shook that pan, the sides buckled and powdered sugar went EVERYWHERE!hahhahaha. "And the princess learned to laugh at herself.." The largest container I had with a decent lid was a 2 qt. one, which took about 3 loads of the mixture to finish shaking it. Resourceful is my motto. I finished somewhere around 2am. At the risk of sounding so old... It was terrible. I am so tired tonight and thankful that tomorrow I can sleep in until 3pm if I want to. :) mmmmmmmm. so thankful.

A couple of the boys came over tonight right before my church was getting here for dinner so I invited them to stay. It was cool to see them interacting with the teenage boys. The boys thought that the teen guys were so cool and instantly wanted to be a part of what they were doing- playing spades and listening to music. I'll admit I was teary- It is so cool to see these guys from church being men and looking out for this little kids they don't even know. It was a touching moment and I pray that the Lord would raise up men in the lives of these boys. They so desperately need and want the attention and affirmation from a man.

We headed over to the Legacy conference after dinner and it was phenom. A girl did spoken word at the beginning and the questions penetrated to my core- "What more do I need to do to prove my love for you?" And then the beautiful repetition of "I have a word for you.... the Word for you... the LIVING Word for you." Thank You Jesus for being the Living Word! The speaker was good. I was convicted about the way I view Jesus. As Andrew Peterson puts it: with the "fear that His love is no better than mine." How truly sad to see revealed in my mind that I am even suspicious of Jesus. Wow! The lies that I believe truly go deep and I need the Lord to help me un-root this with His truth, His Living Word.